Life is a horrible place. (Isn't non-existence better than existence?)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alliance, Dec 9, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    Why do people say to "hold on" and also say "don't do it", when non-existence would be very less painful than this brutal and cold harsh world that will eat you alive from the inside out?

    What if I am not very depressed but instead very curious (like a scientist) about what happens after death and I want to find out now?

    All I need is a love in my life. However, I lost the one true love and still dream about her after 7 years. I would much rather die than be alone. So answer me, why I would want to hold on rather than die and end my suffering?

    Isn't non-existence (Nirvana) better than life (Suffering)?

    This is a letter I wrote that I was going to give to my friends on MySpace, but decided against it, that it would be a bad idea. This describes somewhat how I feel:

    "To my friends and family:

    Over the past few years I have hidden myself away from the world, and regretfully from you. I thought that I was safe inside my own world, my own cave. I was trying to protect myself from the cruel, harsh and unjust world. Trying to shelter myself I thought I could shield myself from the pain.

    It is just now that I fully realize how foolishly wrong I have been. I know that I hurt myself much more than this world ever has to me. I am my worst enemy, and now I see more fully than before. Too arrogant to think I could make it on my own and that I believed I did not need anyone, it is now more than ever before that I need my friends and family.

    I am so sorry to hide from you. Friends should never hide from one another. Too much has happened that has been very painful and that is the reason I have been alone in my own world for quite some time. I have been so distraught and tired of hanging on day by day.

    I have fell to my lowest points over the last few years and I need your help to pick me up. I don't want to ignore the world and wish it would go away anymore. I would like to embrace it, but I lost my way and cannot find the path again on my own."
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2009
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    People say those things likely to relieve their own conscience.

    I don't think I'd like knowing that someone may have offed themselves because I said "do it".

    As for why you'd want to hold on, I don't know, as I don't know you. Usually there is a reason to live if you look for it.
  3. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I agree with so much in this post. It's spooky how much of myself I see in your words. Death is nothing but a long, dreamless sleep- nothing to be scared of at all. It's a comforting thought, that this absolute serenity awaits each of us at the end of a long, difficult, and painful life. I wonder why we expend so much effort trying to avoid it at all costs.
  4. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    Nirvana isn't "non-existence" It means freedom from suffering. From Wikipedia-"The Buddha described Nirvana as the perfect peace of the state of mind that is free from craving, anger and other afflictive states (kilesas). The subject is at peace with the world, has compassion for all and gives up obsessions and fixations."

    And you say you want to find out what happens after death? If it's non-existence well then you'll never know now will you?(think about it)
  5. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    "Usually there is a reason to live if you look for it."

    My reason would be love if I could find it. However, I have a really difficult time finding a woman in my life, and an even more difficult time hanging onto one for more than a week or a month. I think my depressed, bitter, jaded, hateful of everything in this world attitude has much to do with it. I am scarred and cannot make my hate towards this world and people go away.

    Thanks for your post and it means a lot to me.

    I am truly scared of death, but I am more scared of living.

    I am also scared that I might find what I am looking for (true love), if I don't kill myself. However, if I never find love, what is the age or the point that I should kill myself?

    - Because if I don't find love I would rather be dead. I have nothing to live for without someone and a family in my life.
  6. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    it's kinda bad scientific form to conduct experiments whose results are not demonstrable to others. plus if the afterlife turns out to be worse than life was, you don't get to change your mind. if changing something about your life makes it worse, there are always possibilities for either undoing the change or trying new changes or both.. depending on the situation.

    people say hold on, don't do it, because if you do it you take away those possibilities.. possibilities for finding love, for reconnecting with your friends and family, for being happy. there are no guarantees except one: if you kill yourself you DEFINITELY don't get those things. you might get nirvana, or you might burn in hell for all eternity, or you might come back in the next life as a tree or a tapeworm, or you might haunt the earth as a restless spirit forever, or you might get nothing and then not be around to witness the end of your suffering and the beginning of the suffering of the people who care about you. but you have to keep living this life if you want any chance of it getting better, and as long as you are alive there is always a chance of that, even if it doesn't look like it from where you're at right now.

    your letter is BEAUTIFUL and wonderfully written and sending it is an absolutely FANTASTIC IDEA.
  7. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    Are you sure that nirvana isn't non-existence, because that's always what I thought it was. Anyhow, even if it isn't, to not exist is my ultimate fantasy and I really hope that is what happens after death since I don't believe in a man made God.

    I'll never know now, but if I do ever commit suicide then perhaps I would know. The question is how badly I am dying to know the answer. I don't want to grow old, alone, bitter and in despair, and am currently on that path.
  8. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    Thank you!

    And seriously, send it? I think there might be quite a bit of backlash, since suicide and stuff of the nature in my letter can alienate people and people may also probably be quite a bit uncomfortable with it.

    Maybe post it as a blog and only select people can see it?

    Maybe post a bulletin to people that care about me that haven't heard from me in quite a while, if they want to know why I am such a hermit, ask them if they want to read my blog or something?

    Just to let you guys know, a big reason why I'm such a hermit is that I scarred my face pretty badly a few years ago, and if that didn't happen I would be a pretty good looking guy. It isn't fixable with surgery or anything. Still though, I've had a few girlfriends, and I'm not sure how it looks to other people, but I can't help but feel very insecure about it and it bothers me.
  9. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    In simplest terms Nirvana means peace of mind. But however you describe it, you have to be alive to feel it.

    If "non-existence" is all there is after death then you won't know. That's what I meant by "think about it". There won't be any "Oh, so this is what happens after death." See what I mean? If there's nothing after death you'll never know because there will be no thought process at that moment. No realization, no learning, no relief, nothing, period.
  10. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    But maybe you do. Suppose that if you don't care for the afterlife, you can choose to be reincarnated. Hey, as long as we're wildly speculating ;)

    The only true hell is not being able to escape from consciousness. Suicide, if it does turn out to offer this escape, is a blessing.
  11. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah, not sure how I missed that. I'm just in a very tremendous super terrible mood, tired and drunk so my mind isn't completely here right now.

    Anyone else think I should or should not send that message, or maybe change a few things, or only select people?

    Also, for the record, I don't believe in God or any man made religions. I think there might be a creator, but don't believe any religion has it right if so. However, I believe more strongly that there is nothing afterward, and no God.

    If I'm wrong, and I'm going to hell anyway, what's another 20 years spent in hell when it's eternity? Also, the Bible is all metaphors anyway, meaning that hell is nothing like in the Bible, and hell is probably like a resort or something. : ) jk

    I hate God with all my heart and blame everything on Him if he does truly exist for creating me, and believe that he should go to Hell for everything he's done. I would rather go to Hell than go to Heaven since I hate God (if he exists). Living is Hell as it is.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2009
  12. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hm, up to you, kinda depends on you and yours use myspace... the letter doesn't really explicitly say anything about suicide, just about feeling isolated and wanting very much to reconnect with your friends and family.. to me it's a question of

    1) how much of the public you want to share it with (is your profile public? are most of your myspace friends good friends, or are they mostly random people? do you care if people you don't know well read and comment on the letter?) and

    2) whether the people that you really want to send this message to will receive it (are the important people in your life all on myspace? do they read blogs? do they take them seriously?)

    the selective-blog-and-bulletin thing could be a good route, or a mass myspace message.. i dunno? what do you think? i just think the letter is really great, i didn't get much farther than that in my analysis, heh
  13. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    It's hard to tell if it would be bad to let people know that. Mostly random people on my list.

    I write poems and how I feel sometimes when I'm super depressed.

    Started painting again as a hobby to keep me busy and keep my mind off things, but it hasn't helped. Video games and movies don't help much either. Think they just lead me further into isolation. My goal is to have enough art to display by summer, maybe impress a few people and stuff.

    The last few days I tried calling people and reconnecting. Hopefully hanging out with a few people later this week.
  14. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    yyyyyeah.. okay, fair, but my point still stands. suicide could just as well turn out NOT to offer this escape, maybe if you kill yourself you're doomed to float around the earth rattling your ghostly chains, or your spirit gets trapped in the body of a baby like in being john malkovich or some shit like that, i dunno. or maybe the mormons are right! D: point is, none of us have any idea about "there", but "here" can always theoretically get better than it is, so might as well put the energy into figuring out how..

    i should never try and form logical thoughts before i've had coffee. goddamn last-minute cancelling students, what the hell am i doing awake right now? ugh
  15. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    the art display and the phone calls and the hanging out all sound very good.. i dunno, maybe you could send the letter as an email? or, hell, a real letter? this is important stuff you have to say, it needs to be heard!
  16. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    I'm scared. Also, not sure who. Or maybe edit the letter a bit. I don't know. I do have one or two people I can openly talk to about this stuff via MSN like I have for years.

    Also, I have given up on life and being happy a long time ago. This has also made life much more difficult when I thought it would make it easier, that I wouldn't give myself false hope that it is possible for me to be happy. Nothing makes me happy or gives me much pleasure anymore.
    Forgotten how to interact with people, and approach women and stuff.

    I feel so awkward and think I get social anxiety or super insecurity around people. Maybe it's because I drink way too much damn coffee!
  17. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    "Here" can always theoretically get better or worse. The afterlife could always theoretically be better or worse than life, could be escapable or inescapable, could have an infinite number of probabilities. Who knows? Who cares?

    The available evidence points to death being the end of consciousness. I work from that assumption, however shaky it may or may not be. I hope it's true. I hope that existence is not so nightmarishly cruel that I am unable even to escape it.
  18. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    erm, okay, well, so giving up on being happy made life harder instead of easier.. you could always try the other direction, and work really really hard on trying to be happy? that sounds inane but it leads to things like talking this shit out, and to mental health care, better living through chemicals or just therapy, and to you working as hard as you can to get yourself out the door and into the world, wherever that leads you.

    it all sounds very chicken soup for the soul when it's in print but basically i can totally relate and i am really good at isolating myself and ignoring my problems and not talking to anyone, and it makes it worse, it is making it worse right now, it is a shitty spiral and being alone with your thoughts can make things so much worse because it makes your isolation and despair normal, you lose the other frames of reference. and the only way i know how to get out of it, when i get out of it, is to just make myself do stuff, try to get out there, try to get help or be social or reconnect, whatever, fake it til i make it. etc. that's why i like your letter, is because just the fact that you've written it shows that you want to change things, and ultimately it doesn't matter that much how you send it, just the act of sending it is equally important, it is breaking that shell. so. cool!

    and coffee? is never the problem! it's the solution, heheh! excuse me while i go make some...
  19. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    beer AND coffee for me right now!

    If I had a love in my life, that would pretty much instantly cure it.

    Maybe I just need to get laid, since it's been 2 years now, and last time I didn't enjoy it because I wasn't attracted to her, but I'm sorry that that is probably too much information.

    Tried therapy, but it seemed to make it worse since I focused more on my problems. The meds (Welbutrin XL) seemed to make it worse. Always suffered from depression and from age 14? I always threatened my dad that I would commit suicide, and I really meant it. So, it's been like 15 years now that I have had serious suicidal thoughts and have always thought it was gonna be the way that it ends.

    All I want is love. Without someone I am nothing. Females always break my heart and never stay with me for some reason that I don't know why. I have been told that I am still hella attractive (although I think I'm unattractive), it's more to do with my personality, something about it that just drives people away.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2009
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.