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Life is a prison and love the punishment

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Xaelem, Aug 15, 2006.

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  1. Xaelem

    Xaelem Member

    Don't anybody else ever feel that we're trapped in this world and all we're just being punished all the bloody time.
    Can't kill myself cause I've had one shocker of a NDE so no going there and it's against my religion as well.
    So just keep on existing, I don't have a life so I only exist.
    So I find love and guess what the only thing I get from it is endless suffering.
    Love is just a creatve way to hurt people.
    Why does it even exist?
    Hell, if I could just switch it on and off or at least control for whom I have the feeling I would have been happy.
    But no: I fall in love with someone that feels absolutely nothing for me, or at least not the same way.
    I'm bloody trapped in this world I cannot escape!!!!!
    Why the hell do I have to go through this?
    I can't bloody switch it off and I can't do anything about it!!!!!!

    "Love is the best thing that can happen to you. If it's between the right two people it's the most wonderful thing there is....blah blah blah" is something someone told me!
    BS I say.
    There is no such person as the right one!!!
    You have to make it work!
    I'm willing why ain't she?
    Why is God punishing me like this?
  2. One who listens..

    One who listens.. Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel that way about love....

    I've been told this many times, but I AM one of those people that found the right person, or at least I think so, and so does she.

    This person is the only reason I'm still alive, saving me from a suicidal depression without even knowing she did it. She gave me a reason to live, and we have been happily dating for nearly 2 years. Were engaged to be married outside of school, and I tell you, I am happy.

    But, to your point. I don't think god is punishing you. Maybe god isn't having her reflect her feelings back at you because shes not right for you. You cannot tell what god is thinking, or his motives.
    I do hope you end up finding your love, because it IS a wonderful thing.
  3. Snugglepuss

    Snugglepuss Member

    Sigh, I dont want to say this but love can feel like it is fucking you up in your mind... To be honest, I am like that still a bit, I wont bore you with the details but all Im saying is when I think about it it upsets me loads... I have found love before, and it was great while it lasted, just as "One who listens" said.. Never give up hope! I really dont think god is punishing you, I just think it isn't your time to find someone at the moment, but there is a good chance you will find someone! After all, what would a sweet life be if the sweetness didnt come with sour? Think about it, I have for quite a long time and I hope it is right
  4. Xaelem

    Xaelem Member

    I've waited for way too bloody long.
    I know she is the right one.
    We are like two sides of the same coin.
    We fit in every conceivable way and we think alike.
    But she's trapped in a relationship she doesn't want to be in but because she's afraid of change and taking a risk, just like I am, she's trying to pull through.
    Actually saw and spoke to her this morning.
    I fled because I'm trying to give her space and she actually came after me.
    I know she feels something, but she don't know what to do.
  5. have you ever heard the song 88 by Sum41?

    that's the first thing i thought of when i read this
  6. tre_tas

    tre_tas Member

    Hi One_who_listens.
    I used to feel exactly like that! In the clouds! I found my true love! I thought so and she thought so too! We both said a thousand times how we would be together forever!
    And we spent all our days in college together. We went to college together, we ate together, we talked all the time, couldn't get our hands off each other.
    And we dated, and we got married and had a child.
    And now after 10 years she just comes to me and says: "I don't love you anymore, and I can't live with you anymore".
    I don't want to agree with Xaelem, but my thoughts on love have taken a 180ยบ turn and now I feel exactly like Xaelem!
    Looking back, I wish I never had fallen completely in love with my wife. That I hadn't given her all my love and soul, for now this wouldn't hurt so much, and I wouldn't want to kill myself.
    A friend of mine once told me: "You give too much of yourself. Never give 100% to anyone: not your wife, not your friends, not your family. Always keep something for yourself. Never trust 100% and then you'll always have a safety net".
    At the time this advice seemed stupid and selfish, but now I'm starting to see the wisdom of his words.
    Love can make you hurt really bad, and the more you love, the more the pain you risk feeling later.
    On the other hand, can a person really love without giving 100%? Can you really call it true love if you hold something back (even if it's just 1%)?

    One_who_listens, I truly hope that you will never feel the heartache I feel right now (and that you also never case such a heartache to your partner)! But please be prepared! Make sure you're prepared to face all possibilities, even loosing your true love (I wasn't ready), because it can happen to anyone!
    Start knitting your net today!
  7. Xaelem

    Xaelem Member

    You right.
    How can you love without giving it 100%?
    A friend said you should never give your heart to a woman till you've got a ring on her finger.
    You had the ring on her finger and you had her for many years and you gave it all.
    How did that end up?
    There is no insurances in this life it seems.
    Why stay on the road?
    Why not just get it over with.

    I realise marriage or any other rlationship isn't going to be moonshine and roses all the time cause it won't.
    I'm willing to try and work things out, talk about problems.
    But how the hell can you sort anything out if your partner won't talk about anything that's troubling you?
    Women are all the same: they always say it's over and they've forgiven you and they don't want to talk about it. a year down the line another fight starts and guess what? History is discussed.
    And now it's too late to sort it out cause it happened long ago. Even you can't remember wat it was all about, but SHE can't forget any little detail.
    How can anyone expect to live this way and be happy?
    Some say happiness is a choice...........
    Okay I choose to be happy even though my life is falling apart and the woman I love don't love me and won't even have a talk with me.
    I'm happy even though I've got so much financial problems that I can't even be sure of having something on my table to eat tonight.
    I'm happy even though every bloody thing in life is seemingly turned against me....
    Just don't cut it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How the hell can anyone be happy if nothing is going for them?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2006
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmmm yes interesting.. I like the way that flows together.. yes yes.... that is a good thing....

    Love is the thing that causes suffering... I hope you don't mind me using that justification when the time comes for me...
  9. Xaelem

    Xaelem Member

    You know what's so bloody nice about anti-depressants?
    It's the fact that when you use then you don't care.
    I used them for too bloody long.
    I never cared.
    Why care I always said.
    Things will be okay.
    My friends got pissed-off because I didn't bother too much with anything including their friendship.
    It's all okay I always said.
    No need to worry.
    Everything will be okay in the end.
    I slept good.
    I didn't worry all day long.
    But I didn't live either.
    That crap shut me down like the depression only does now ant then.
    I'm a human being with feelings and I want to have feelings just not bad ones all the time.
    But those ADs they take even the happiness away.
    You exist, you don't live.
  10. Tarthenol

    Tarthenol Active Member

    I know how you feel brother, I chucked mine last week and even though i hurt, at least i feel now, even if it is only pain I feel....

    I'm with you bro, I am....
  11. sadsong

    sadsong Staff Alumni

    i don't really appreciate that comment. Women are not all the same. Just as all men aren't bastards as women often comment.

    Love can be a bitch, it is an ever evolving thing, but it can also be the most amazing thing.

    There's the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"
  12. Xaelem

    Xaelem Member

    I disagree with that saying....
    "It's better not to have loved than to have loved and your heart ripped from your chest by a sorrowless unfeeling bitch that you once loved till you got to know her and discoverd she is the devil in disguise......."
    That's more like it.
    Okay so maybe she's not the devil but neither am I so why treat me like shit?
  13. alwaysalone

    alwaysalone Active Member

    ::sigh:: I'm so torn between the two arguments. My parents are divorced, so marriage scares the crap out of me...But someday, I hope that I'm married. I want to trust others, but I'm not sure I believe that you can trust anyone EVER. The only person you can control is yourself. Everyone else is a wild card.

    I loved this boy so much...With my heart and soul. I would have gone through the gates of hell for him. People told me, "you deserve someone who feels the same." Now, after two years of him being nonchalant about our relationship, I'm finally starting to realize, yeah...I do deserve someone who wants to give me the world. But do they exist?

    I've cried about love until I felt like I was going to throw up my insides. But then there will be that gentle moment that brings all the "good" things back, no matter how few. I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish there was a method to the madness. I guess, like everything else, it is just a risk...one that you can decide to take or not to take. You have to weigh the pain you might feel to the happiness that could happen. It's all guesswork. I suppose the one sure thing I can tell you is to try not to let heartache be a trigger for depression. I know it happens to me--just one big spiral that takes quite some time to recover from.

    Good luck and I hope that someday, you find the love and happiness you are looking for, without any of the pain.
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