I'm almost eighteen now, and I have been mildly depressed since I was about twelve or thirteen. I don't like using that word because I don't want to be classified as someone who is different. I just want to be happy and normal and content with life (doesn't everyone?)...but I'm not. I never seriously considered ending my life until this year, this past month really. I can't pick out one specific thing that triggered it, but I know that my negative feelings have been so much more intense lately than I could have ever imagined. When I was younger it was worse because I was growing and changing, typical teenage angst. Then for the past year or two things evened out a bit. I was blue sometimes but stable for the most part. Then this year, my senior year in high school, my year of glory, things changed dramatically. I guess it started with the end of my very first relationship and then a very painful separation from my best friend, a soulmate of sorts. Then there was another boy and another, both who broke my heart. I don't fall for guys that often, but when I do I fall very, very hard. It is the age old dilemma of loving someone who just doesn't love you back. Everyone deals with it, and I hate that I am not strong enough to just move past it. I want to end my life, and that is wrong. I started smoking weed, drinking irresponsibly, smoking cigarettes, and hoping for an accidental end. I feel absolutely repulsive with a joint in my hand. I disgust myself. I drive around recklessly, praying that something luckily goes wrong. I just feel so inadequate, so weak. I feel like everyone around my is dealing with similar situations, but I am just not good enough to move past them, to succeed. I have to be missing something, some secret to why everyone around me can be so happy when I feel like this. I'm not always suicidal. I move through bouts of intense happiness followed by mild stability, but I always sink back down again. Whenever I think my emotions have leveled out, I get proven wrong and start planning my demise again. Its like I spend my days waiting to feel badly enough to finally end everything, to finally have enough drive. I hate waiting, not having control. My twisted emotions have taken over, and I can't do anything. I know my life isn't bad, I know it, but that doesn't stop me from hoping my car smashes into a tree. Every time I sink down I think, "I cannot do this again. One more time and I'm done." I don't know what anyone can do. "There is so much to live for" means nothing, because I know that. It's not life I can't stand, it's me. I am not strong enough to handle everything here, I can't feel this way. I feel like all my friends are sick of me being this way and that people are always laughing at me. I am constantly embarassed, ashamed of myself and I just can't deal with that for much longer.