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Life is alright, but it doesn't feel that way.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by seventyxseven, Feb 10, 2008.

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  1. seventyxseven

    seventyxseven Member

    I'm almost eighteen now, and I have been mildly depressed since I was about twelve or thirteen. I don't like using that word because I don't want to be classified as someone who is different. I just want to be happy and normal and content with life (doesn't everyone?)...but I'm not. I never seriously considered ending my life until this year, this past month really. I can't pick out one specific thing that triggered it, but I know that my negative feelings have been so much more intense lately than I could have ever imagined.

    When I was younger it was worse because I was growing and changing, typical teenage angst. Then for the past year or two things evened out a bit. I was blue sometimes but stable for the most part. Then this year, my senior year in high school, my year of glory, things changed dramatically. I guess it started with the end of my very first relationship and then a very painful separation from my best friend, a soulmate of sorts. Then there was another boy and another, both who broke my heart. I don't fall for guys that often, but when I do I fall very, very hard. It is the age old dilemma of loving someone who just doesn't love you back. Everyone deals with it, and I hate that I am not strong enough to just move past it. I want to end my life, and that is wrong.

    I started smoking weed, drinking irresponsibly, smoking cigarettes, and hoping for an accidental end. I feel absolutely repulsive with a joint in my hand. I disgust myself. I drive around recklessly, praying that something luckily goes wrong. I just feel so inadequate, so weak. I feel like everyone around my is dealing with similar situations, but I am just not good enough to move past them, to succeed. I have to be missing something, some secret to why everyone around me can be so happy when I feel like this.

    I'm not always suicidal. I move through bouts of intense happiness followed by mild stability, but I always sink back down again. Whenever I think my emotions have leveled out, I get proven wrong and start planning my demise again. Its like I spend my days waiting to feel badly enough to finally end everything, to finally have enough drive. I hate waiting, not having control. My twisted emotions have taken over, and I can't do anything. I know my life isn't bad, I know it, but that doesn't stop me from hoping my car smashes into a tree. Every time I sink down I think, "I cannot do this again. One more time and I'm done." I don't know what anyone can do. "There is so much to live for" means nothing, because I know that. It's not life I can't stand, it's me. I am not strong enough to handle everything here, I can't feel this way. I feel like all my friends are sick of me being this way and that people are always laughing at me. I am constantly embarassed, ashamed of myself and I just can't deal with that for much longer.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad yu were able to post and share your pain here. I know all too well how you are feeling right now. And thankfully your thoughts are still about questioning and not about ending your life. Have you been to a doctor or professional at all about your moods and thoughts? Or are you on any meds? Sounds like depression and possibly bipolar with the mood swings. Please see someone about this. There is nothing to be ashamed of or scared of. Depression is an illness just like any other. And you can still benefit from some form of treatment. And please keep posting here. There are so many that can help you from their own experiences. Keep strong and safe.
  3. seventyxseven

    seventyxseven Member

    Its funny how kindness from strangers can be even more beneficial than from friends :). Thank you very very much for replying, but no, I haven't seen anyone. I haven't talked to my parents or anything but I have been considering it. Bipolar disorder is very possible, I've seen it in my mom and sister and feeling these titanic mood swings confirms in a way. There is something definately wrong in my head because I can't pick out why I feel so terrible, I just do and that's all I know. Like one second I'll come up with countless creative ideas and want to hug and be friends with everybody, go out and have fun, and the next I'm thinking of ways to do away with myself. Ugh. Terribly confusing. I know I have to take action soon, because this won't just go away. Either it ends, or I do.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So make it end not you. You sound like a very mature young perosn and I'm glad that you understand that it is a mental health issue and not you. And you have the strength to deal with this demon. I'm here to help you through it any way I can. I suffer from depression, bipolar disorder anxiety attacks and panic attacks. So may have some insight that can help you along. Please feel free to pm me anytime. I just so want to see you beat this!
  5. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    My feelings are similar in that I seemed to have the desire to stay in school and be an overall successful person with a house and a nice car in a nice neighborhood with kids and a loving family. Times got hard because my parents were just too poor to send me to school or support me while I was going. So I just worked instead. My girlfriend of 4 years then left me. Two years since and my life has constantly went on in this circle. I mean, a great deal of the time I just don't give a crap what happens. I feel like I'm somewhat content with myself in that I work a good job and I could easily live on my own for the most part. I just want a simple life, but at the same time I want something more. It's hard feeling like no one loves you I guess is what I'm getting at.

    It's funny how much having a relationship fail dramatically changes your outlook in a negative way. I can't believe you've been through this TWICE. I could never imagine what that must be like. I want to encourage you though not to lose hope, as I see it as an opportunity to stay available for that one person that I dream of dating instead of just settling for second best and constantly being hurt later for not keeping stupid trifling people at bay.

    As long as you're alive and you train your mind to take care of your body to the very best of your ability, those opportunities will come. Even if they never do, at least it won't be because you quit early and that single chance meeting never occured because of it. You risk losing if you play the game, but by not playing at all or ending your life before it begins you doom yourself to never win at all.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2008
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