Life is crap.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by pacamac, Dec 11, 2014.

  1. pacamac

    pacamac New Member

    I just thought I'd write out the stuff that goes through my head, but typing is easier, and why not let people read my crap? I know no one cares, but it might be entertaining at least.

    I wish I knew as a kid. I wish I was conscious of what was happening. How could I have not realised how damn wrong it was? It was just the norm, I thought that was just how it was. I didnt know any different. But how could I have not said anything, not done anything, how could I have not been conscious of how much of a problem it was.
    I'm sick of this depression, this self loathing, this boredom and monotony that is life. Someone bought me an xbox game, and I'm so ungrateful and selfish as I'm too depressed to even play it, I can hardly concentrate. I shouldn't be letting people spend money on me and accepting things if I am too lazy to even use them.
    Everything is just so bleak and boring. I think that's the worst bit, the boredom. There is no distraction from it. The only way I can pass the time is to do two things at once half heartedly, as I can't focus and concentrate on one thing at a time, its too boring.

    I wish there was a way to erase any trace of my existence. I wish I wasn't so different to all the other kids when I was younger, I thought they all faked the happiness like me. Turns out it was real for them. I wish I could kill myself without the body ever being found. The best I can think of is too keep walking in dark creepy alleyways until I get murdered. Then the murderer would have the incentive to hide/destroy the body. I suppose I'd be dead so it wouldn't matter to me, as I'd have no conciousness.

    I wish I knew what happiness even felt like, I don't think I've ever even had it. Life was crap and miserable as a kid, I couldn't even get enjoyment out of the things kids get enjoyment out of. My brain just didn't work right. I was always so cynical of others, so nasty to them, its no wonder I never had any proper friends. All the other kids probably hated me haha, fair enough I suppose.

    I wish I had a happy family, that had fun together and enjoyed each others company. I wish I could have a childhood where I did all the normal kid things, had great parents who I could do fun stuff with like go play in the park, or whatever. I just wish I had fond memories to look back on, instead of all the bloody misery.

    Now I'm 16, and I've realised how messed up my childhood was, I feel even more depressed. Now I see how wrong it all was, how could this have been fricking done to me, why was all this crap fricking done to me? What did I do? What the hell did I do, that made me deserve any of this?

    Now is the time I should just move on and get on with my life, its pretty much all over now. I just can't do it. I'm this weird social pariah that will never fit in, I will never know how to properly act in normal situations. I mumble, flinch whenever anyone comes near me, I can barely look people on the eye and hold a damn conversation. I wish I could stop being so damn awkward, but it's all I've ever been. I don't know any different. I can fake confidence, but I'm getting worse at it, and I haven't spoken to anyone, other than on the internet, in ages so I've probably forgotten how to do it.

    I left school because I was too depressed to do the work, I couldn't concentrate and I didn't really want to do any work anyway. I just don't care. I have no future goals, no jobs I'd like to do, I have no interests. I just dismyself from the boredom myself with video games I can hardly concentrate and play.

    I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. It just comes to the point where dieing is just a bit less crappy than living. Its like "To be or not to be", the only thing keeping the miserable folk from offing themselves is the fear of the unknown, or rather, the dread of an eternal unconsciousness. I hate the idea of a forever unconsciousness, but its inevitable, and the only thing stopping me is the biological urge to survive. But humans now have the self awareness to overcome their biological urges, and do as they like, to an extent at least.

    I can't be arsed to write anymore, I can barely think properly. If anyone cares to read this, hope it gave you a laugh. But nobody cares. Heck, I don't even really care about anything anymore, so why should anybody else.

    I talk to myself when I'm alone, but I'm not alone so I thought I'd type it all out instead. Its usually just a rehash of the same stuff everyday, accompanied by a bit of crying. I'm nearly a grown man, and I still cry everyday. Pathetic I know, I get hurt by things was too easily. Anything anyone says to me makes me realise I am a despicable terrible human being, and I won't amount to a shitstain. And I hate that I'm so horrible, but I don't know what I can do. I am just so jealous and bitter.

    I get so angry and pissed off at the slightest thing. For example if there's nothing nice to eat in the house, I feel a rage build up inside of me. If I do anything wrong in a video game, someone says something that I don't agree with, even slightly, on the internet I get into such a rage. I've even done some stuff when I get into these strange moods, like I'm full of nervous energy, and punched walls and my own face to release energy, constantly pacing, but it doesn't go away, it just builds up until I sleep it off.

    Damn, I'm such an attention seeker for writing all this. Look at me, trying to make random people on the internet give me attention. I don't even want attention, but it feels like anything I ever do is me just trying to get attention. I need to remind myself, nobody cares. No one cares about the crap going on in the middle east and Africa, so why would I do deserve and care or attention? Just me being selfish again I suppose.

    I feel like I'm going insane, but

    "I don't mind it anymore"
    "But you should, you should mind it"
    "Oh I do, but I say I don't"

    You should only live for others as much as you'd expect them to live for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2014
  2. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    First of all, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for all of the crap in your life, I'm sorry for you not having anyone to confide in, I'm sorry that I can't give you a hug. You as a human being should never have to deal with this. It is your right as a human to have your emotional needs met and to be loved by everyone around you, and I wish that I could express to you how much I can understand what it feels like to not get this.

    I wish I could give you the wise words of wisdom that will help you get better, but I can't. My ability to help people is limited by what I myself have gone through, and unfortunately, I have never been through quite what you are describing. I can speculate, but you cannot take that as gospel truth, tough it may help you in researching possible solutions to your problems.

    I would suggest looking up traits for sociopathic people. To me, it sounds like you may have some sociopathic tendencies, but again, I can't really be sure. The important thing is to not let that word scare you, a sociopath is not a murderer or a bad person, they're just someone who feels less than the normal Joe.

    I will continue to research for you, and if I come up with anything that may help, I'll let you know. I love you and am praying for your mental health. Godspeed my good friend.