Life is crazy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MarineBiologyStudent, May 18, 2014.

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  1. Even though i'm mid my early 20's, I have never used one of these online forums before.

    My story battling suicide and depression began when I was 11. Growing up I was physically and emotionally abused by my father, which created many issues, and left me fearing for my life. Luckily enough, God blessed me with an incredible mother who im incredibly thankful for.

    Around the age of 11 I began to notice this emotional patterns I was forming. I would be absolutely fine, and then every couple months I would enter into a 1 or 2 week stretch of incredible depression. I couldn't even get out of bed on days. Even at that young age of 11 I couldn't see the reason to live anymore. I was so frustrated because around the age of 11 my dad stopped beating me because I got too big for him, and I could defend myself. Even though the abuse was over for the most part, and things in life were improving, I still found myself entering into these horrible times of depression.

    I was so frustrated because my emotions weren't based on what was happening in my life, it was completely random. I wanted so desperately to just be happy and to be able to have a longer time of recovery from those depression times. This continued on until I was 16 or 17, and then it became too much for me to handle. In high school I was not the outcast or the weirdo, I had a large popular group of friends. While I was never at the center of the group, I was still in it. Even though it seemed on the outside that I was doing OK, inside was turmoil.

    I just couldn't take the constant ups-and-downs, and I decided I was done. I tried overdosing on pills in my bathroom but was discovered by my mom and rushed to the hospital. I left the hospital physically fine but emotionally dead. I entered counseling and put on a large amount of medicine. I also was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 2.

    The next few years, basiclly summarized is this: I joined a Christian Missionary organization and working around the world for 2 years. It was incredible. But even during that time I was still plagued by the bipolar disorder.

    And now I have returned back from my travels. I have been home for about 1 year and it has been the toughest year of my life. Currently, I am working 2 jobs (6 days of work a week) and going to school full time. I am barely scraping by right now. This past week has been an extreme low point. I have sabotaged almost every friendship I have ever had. My grades are slipping because I don't have enough time to study because I need to work to pay rent. And then there is the unrelenting bipolar disorder which always affects me, no matter what I do.

    I almost never tell people about the bipolar disorder because I have seen it change the way people look at me when I tell them. I can see them pass doubt over what I say, because in the backs of their minds they are wondering if i'm dealing with the pits of the bipolar stuff. What i'm scared most about is that I will lose credibility, which is very important to me.

    Nights like tonight it just feels like i'm so alone and nothing will ever change. I know people say that the things we struggle with are what shape us and make us who we are, but this just feels like too much to handle. I don't know what to do. I haven't gone to church in 6 months and I feel like i've lost my relationship with God which was so vital to my life.

    Writing this is a huge step for me. I'm not sure if this is too long or too short for a posting. I don't really care if people read this, it just breaks the darkness a little bit knowing that I've taken a step in the right direction, in terms of sharing with other people.

    Something that helps me is to remember that I am so incredibly blessed. If it weren't for this bipolar disorder, life would be so incredible, I just feel like it weighs everything down. But it's so important to remember that I have a huge number of things to be thankful for.

    Thanks

    Thank you.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi to you you have not said if you got therapy to help you deal with your past abuse by your father I think if you could get some therapy that too may help decrease sadness inside
    I do hope that you do talk to a councelor at the school ok someone you can trust to keep your records confidential so you can get the extra support you need to do well at school
    You can get the extra time needed to get assignments done or to get extra tutoring for test etc ok. Do not try to fight this alone let the doctor know at the school what is happening your meds may need to have something added on or upped a bit while you are under more stress.
    Writing here does help it does because now you know you are not alone ok You keep posting keep reaching out talk to someone in chat room hugs
     
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