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Life is ending

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pioneer, Jun 3, 2012.

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  1. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    Well it seems that I have come back here. I may be spending alot more time on here as the days grow long. I have fallen back into this depression and this time I don't want to leave. I figured that if I cannot just BE happy and satisfied then I'm not supposed to have it. But I have accepted that because I've almost done what I was supposed to do. To give you some background I am a college graduate and am in the processes of finishing my master's degree. I just recently got hired as an engineer at an international aerospace company and plan to work for them for at least 2yrs. I have never been in any thing close to a romantic relationship and never will, won't try anymore. So why have I become depressed again? Seems like things are going good but the grass is always greener. I've always done good as school, work, and with friends. My employers usually love my work and the effort that I put in because I always pride myself in my work. But I've never been proud of myself or been confident in myself. I've been defeated all my life and have made the first mistake of being born in the first place. Even at 25 I still have no place in this world and I don't want to continue to try and make one.

    I have a sea of regret that eats away at me everyday. The strongest being me wishing that I had joined the army when I was 18, 3 years after 9/11. Now I'll have to settle for the reserves. I don't care how difficult it would have been or anyone's opinion of the war. I just wanted the pride of dying for the people of my country. I've regret not making as many relationships when I had the chance because now I cannot even get a glance in my direction. I regret racking up college debt. And I regret waking up everyday that I have.

    I have stopped taking anti-depressants, stopped going to counselling, and I refuse to go back on suicide watch. The medicine isn't desired because i don't want to rely on pills to live. If so then I should just die. Counselling has failed because I don't want to be "saved" anymore. The only thing I want to do now is express my desire to die, in writing and art. I won't look for companionship anymore, I don't care to make more friends since I have plenty, and I won't pursue my dreams anymore. I'm just going to pay off the loans I cosigned with my mom and the car I cosigned with my grandmother. After that I am free.

    Thanks for listening
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun so many people suffer from depression just like you are suffering now i do hope you continue to talk to us reach out Hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry to hear how you are doing, but glad you remembered us...I have written the rest in a PM I have sent you...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Rare to find someone who feels the same I way I feel when it comes to happiness. All I can say is that I believe exactly what you believe about happiness. So you are not alone. That is all I can really say.
  5. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I'm beginning to make the time to express how I feel. I want to express my life through words and poetry, drawings and paintings, and creation from my hands. Once I gave up on my life I decided to express it which seems unusual to me. Maybe if I explore my own mind I can find something good but at the same time I want to stay in this state of apathy.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Maybe... I do not know for sure to be honest.
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