Life is great when your insecure

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ckeaweahe, Oct 11, 2010.

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  1. ckeaweahe

    ckeaweahe Active Member

    Im new to these forums. Don't know why it matters, but I just thought id express my thoughts since I can't tell anyone I know.

    In the past 12 months, being depressed has escalated to a point I never believed would happen. In the mornings I wake up to nothing, and I can't help but feel angry. (I always feel mad at myself). At night, I have no one to go home to. I live w family members and see friends on a regular basis, but I like to isolate myself, cause I always feel alone anyway. I have no motivation to find a better quality job, and go back to college. I feel like its pointless cause I wont find the right girl for me anyway (or at least someone who excepts me and can stand me). Women can't stand me cause im obsessive. I can't even stand myself but its my fault, so I don't care.

    Im kinda insecure but I hide it well. I can't talk to any of my friends or family, im embarrassed to be depressed. Whenever someone picks up on my feelings, I start acting like an asshole. I think maybe I feel better when people think im mad, instead of sad.
    Two most comforting thoughts that I think of everyday, involve death, and boxing. I feel comfortable when I think of dying. I would be happy, satisfied, and blessed to catch a quick. Life is great when your insecure, its great when you have no one and nothing to wake or up to. Its great when you have nobody to go home to.

    I look on the bright side though. I don't have worries. Im emotionally detached from my friends and family. People wont even know I left hahah
     
  2. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    Hi love,

    I relate to this shockingly well..
    I know how easy it is to become acclimated to isolation, to feel like you could live your whole (hopefully short) life in solitude. I know how pointless and numb it all feels. But I also know, ...I'm going to act like a huge hypocrite now...-I also know how beautiful and amazing relationships can be, and how enriching education or even work can be. And I think those are worht pursuing.
    We suffer from depression. This means we need a bit of extra help so we don't suffocate in our own hollows (that sounds oxymoronic, but it happens).

    You need to seek help..get a therapist (or go to group therapy..if you don't already)...It's good you're thinking about boxing as well..that means you have a passion hang on to those. Exercise, write, do things you love to do...Get yourself out of the house. Talk to people: anyone, just practice, you don't have to make friends, just talk.

    It's strange, we both seem to think positively about depression..or our lives with depression...but we don't think positively about relationships, or changing our minds..or one day being happy.

    Just keep living and pursueing self-love (corny I know, but neccessary)...and someday you will find a girl who loves you and accepts you for who you are...but the odds of that diminish severely when you alienate yourself from the world. You are worthy of connection, you are worthy of happiness. Find it.
     
  3. ckeaweahe

    ckeaweahe Active Member

    I understand your point of view. However, I will not seek counseling. I don't know if its just cause im stubborn, but I cannot get help if I can't help myself.

    I don't know if ill find the right one. I thought the last one was perfect for me. She left awhile ago. Ive thought bout it everyday since. Im so obsessive, it makes me sick to my stomache. I can't even describe my last relationship, it really fucks w my head just thinking bout it. She was so perfect for me, and at the time she made me feel perfect for her. Once I fell for her I became so obsessed,she left. Its my fault she left and im so fucking mad at myself. There are many more reasons she left. But its too late. She blocked me from the internet, moved and changed her number. I used another profile to message her on FB over the months to see if she was doing well, and if we could be friends. Hahahaha she fuckin hates me. I can't forget bout her, I can't be friends w her, I can't find anyone half as interesting as her. I don't even care though. Nobody does either.

    Death is such a beautiful thought to me. I just think it would be cool to meet or be around other people who feel like dying too.
     
  4. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    I feel like dying every moment of every hour.

    The way I see it is...you're going to die sometime...so why not live while you have the chance? And why not live happily?

    Maybe you need help in order to help yourself, if that makes sense...that doesn't have to be therapy, truthfully, therapy never really worked for me. But it could mean taking small steps towards other people, and other activities.

    I was like you for six years, and I finally attempted to commit suicide...and...I would do anything to reverse some of my actions...I wish I would have taken care of myself...so I'm starting now.

    Just care for yourself, that's all I'm asking. Once you begin doing that, you can stop obsessing over and living in the past. You need to move on. <3
     
  5. ckeaweahe

    ckeaweahe Active Member

    Im considering your advice, but I can't stop being obsessive. I have to be realistic. There really is no hope for me, I don't care... but maybe you can share your thoughts or problems. Death is a cool thing to read about. Makes me fit in, on these forums at least.
     
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