life is impossible and too big

I can't do this I can't do this, I tried to talk to someone this morning and words failed me again. I don't know what to do. 28 yrs to many spent on this earth I want to die.

 

talk to someone else?

 

No, don't do it. Why is life too big for you.

 

I've been trying to talk, to say how I feel but words fail me. I can't deal with flashbacks, memories, how I react to situations, how I trust no1, how I feel unloved, uncared for, how invisable I feel in this world. I've tried to get out their make something of my life and I fail and everything. The only thing keeping me going was a small chance that their would be an end to depression, to feeling and living in the past, the feelings of self loath, hating myself. I'm a waste of space, I burden people and I'm just a pain in the butt. none of my family whom I love have been in contact, I've tried to contact them but their don't want to know. I can't take anymore, the love for my family has killed me.

 

Am I a child?
Am I a teenager?
Am I an adult?

Am I child, locked inside an adult?
Am I teenager, looking for an escape?
Am I an adult who just doesn't understand?

Am I child, who saw things she wishes she hadn't?
Am I teenager, who done things she wishes she hadn't?
Am I an adult, who now does those things to herself?

Am I a child, still wild and angry?
Am I a teenager, still violent, agreesive and a loner?
Am I an adult, who can't tame herself?

Am I a child, still waiting to be heard?
Am I a teenager, wanting to be heard?
Am I an adult who can't find the words?

Am I a child, who felt pain, anger, and hurt?
Am I a teenager who was ignored and left on the side?
Am I an adult, who blocked all the feelings?

Am I a child who had to many feelings?
Am I a teenager who gave up on feelings?
Am I an adult now scared of feelings?

Am I a child, who was scared of what was happening?
Am I a teenager, who felt it was loved?
Am I a adult who knows it was wrong, but can't move on?

Am I a child who wants to be hugged?
Am I a teenager who wants to belong?
Am I a adult who now doesn't want either?

Am I a child that doesn't understand?
Am I a teenager, who doesn't want to understand?
Am I a adult that needs to understand?

Am I a child that used to cry?
Am I a teenager who says crying is weak?
Am I a adult who is unable to cry?

Am I a child lost somewhere in the world?
Am I a teenager still fighting to be free?
Am I a adult who doesn't know who she is?

I am all the above but with so much confusion, anger, conflict, switching moods, switching thoughts, switching me, I don't know where to begin to find out just who I am, because the person that is me is lost somewhere and nowhere I look can I find me ~ this is why I have to die because I don't know me and I don't like who sits here now.

 

You say words fail you and yet you just expressed how most people here feel in ways no one else could have.