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Ideas & Opinions Life is incredibly daunting and killing me inside.

#1
Hello, everyone. This is the first post I have made here. As a general backstory, I have been involved with NHS mental health services for almost 5 years, and I have been on different medications for around 4 years. I am diagnosed with ASD and OCD, but, after doing research in the past year, I strongly believe I have borderline-type EUPD. Anyway, there has been so much on my mind.

I am among the students who were not able to sit their A-Level exams this year, so I will get my results on August 13th. I know I will get the grades for at-least some of the top universities. I am looking to study Mechanical Engineering. Unlike many students who applied through UCAS at the start of Year 13, I am preparing for 2021 entry. I plan to submit an application for Cambridge in October 2020. However, I know that normal people, such as those interviewing me for university or a job, can never understand what my life is like. Regardless of how I feel, I will never give up on my work, but they want consistent enthusiasm. This is out of my control, and I have been rejected numerous times for not being the ideal candidate. I can go from 'Maths work is manageable, but not really fun' to 'I never want to see this again in my life, and I hate my life.' All of this is in pursuit of making a difference to the world, and to believe that I am somewhat intelligent.

One of the most terrifying things to me is dying unfulfilled. I am filled with so much emptiness and loneliness every day, and my mood can change so quickly and severely. I feel very trapped into living. Everything I am surrounded by, whether it be online news, shows, games, etc., increases the weight upon my shoulders. The more talent I see expressed around me, the stronger the desire to match or top their ability becomes. So much so that life is no longer for enjoyment or fun, but rather a journey to obtain skill and worth.

For example, for over a decade, I have been following the Smash Bros. series. The creator and his team have been working solidly for over 9 years, across two games, including their respective base and DLC developments. How in the world can I possibly top that? If I fail to do so, I will feel so very worthless all my life, just as I do now. This is far from the only example. This same line of thinking applies to all the classic games I played growing up (on SNES, Dreamcast, PS2), the incredible music, cherished TV shows/movies, and more. In comparison to people who worked on those, I am a nothing.

I have come to realise in the past 1-2 years that I am both gay and a furry. My sexuality ties into my body image. I fall into a 'healthy weight' range, but that doesn't stop the constant feelings of being fat, weak, short, and never in the top league. By this, I mean there are so many people I will never be able date, let alone get a response from, because I cannot be as attractive as them. I wonder, how many years must I suffer and work to get an ounce of reward, to be seen as important, a beautiful model, an incredible person who has left their mark on the world?

In my parents' house, I live in fear of binge-eating. The lockdown has prevented me from going to the gym in well over 100 days. Now, all I can do is walk 5 miles every other day.

I have been obsessed with a franchise I have never played, called StarFox. Reading the official lore, stories and looking at fanart to fill the emptiness inside me. You see, I spend most of my days doing Maths work and battling myself, so I only occasionally play games. I have been enthralled by a fan-animated series, called A Fox In Space (developed by Matthew Gafford):

He has been drawing/animating for many years and has become so talented. It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but, from the lore I have read up on, there is something about this series that I think about every day of my life. It's actually two characters: Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnell. Despite being rivals/enemies in the games, I have grown really attached to the idea of them being in a romantic relationship. I wish that they were real, and it makes me sad that they are fictional. I think about them every day, as if they were real people I could meet one day. It makes me sad that I will never have the relationship they have in the stories I've read and art I've seen. Please see this fanfiction written by Gibrish: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11274848/1/The-Storm-Within

Since I was a child, I have been fixated on animation. Some of my favourite series growing up were classic Fairly Odd Parents (Seasons 1-5), The PowerPuff Girls (Seasons 1-4) and Teen Titans. I have since watched all of their episodes as an adult. I am 20 now. I have recently tried to start drawing, as I never did art outside of mandatory schoolwork. I have lost so much hope in my life, to the point that everything is a constant anxiety and out of my reach. I have no hope that, if I invest time into something, I will improve, because progress is never guaranteed. When everything in life feels like such a chore and puts you down, like a grind in a boring JRPG, you are desperate to find anything that can lead to being special, regardless of how it feels. I need a reason to believe that I have any purpose in the world at all.

On top of this, my sister committed suicide last year. Earlier this year, I tried to <mod edit - method> but my father destroyed it before I could hide it away. I have ordered many Amazon items for my work since, so I have developed a false sense of trust with my parents that I will not harm myself. There will come I day where I do get my hands on it, so I can save it for the perfect opportunity. Connections with others are extremely difficult to make meaningful. I do not feel this towards my father at all. I highly doubt that I will ever get the relationship and friendships I want in the future.

My friend (I met them less than 2 years ago, and we have been friends for over 1 year) has been in physical pain for so much of their life. They are on so much medication for their various conditions, and they are waiting to get a blood test this month. They have had so many complications in life. I have said to them: take my organs, my parents and family, all of the benefits I don't deserve, everything. You clearly want to live life much more than I. You deserve parents that care more about you and aren't negligent. The fact that I made this friend gives me significant mental stress.

Months ago, I got my mother to sign a form to have my body donated to the nearest medical school. I just hope that, if I kill myself, some of my body will be usable for science. My future is full of work, and I wonder if I'd be better without. I want to be: an engineer/scientist, artist/animator, singer, well-versed in music theory, writer, physically-strong, attractive, and more. Maybe I could learn to make fursuits? Still, the more I think about all of this, the more boring it gets.

Wishes I think will never come true: to feel loved and needed, to enjoy life and be happy, make a big contribution to science, to make my own show, publish a book about everything I've experienced, maybe make a game or my own music?

I really need help.
 
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#2
Hello, everyone. This is the first post I have made here. As a general backstory, I have been involved with NHS mental health services for almost 5 years, and I have been on different medications for around 4 years. I am diagnosed with ASD and OCD, but, after doing research in the past year, I strongly believe I have borderline-type EUPD. Anyway, there has been so much on my mind.

I am among the students who were not able to sit their A-Level exams this year, so I will get my results on August 13th. I know I will get the grades for at-least some of the top universities. I am looking to study Mechanical Engineering. Unlike many students who applied through UCAS at the start of Year 13, I am preparing for 2021 entry. I plan to submit an application for Cambridge in October 2020. However, I know that normal people, such as those interviewing me for university or a job, can never understand what my life is like. Regardless of how I feel, I will never give up on my work, but they want consistent enthusiasm. This is out of my control, and I have been rejected numerous times for not being the ideal candidate. I can go from 'Maths work is manageable, but not really fun' to 'I never want to see this again in my life, and I hate my life.' All of this is in pursuit of making a difference to the world, and to believe that I am somewhat intelligent.

One of the most terrifying things to me is dying unfulfilled. I am filled with so much emptiness and loneliness every day, and my mood can change so quickly and severely. I feel very trapped into living. Everything I am surrounded by, whether it be online news, shows, games, etc., increases the weight upon my shoulders. The more talent I see expressed around me, the stronger the desire to match or top their ability becomes. So much so that life is no longer for enjoyment or fun, but rather a journey to obtain skill and worth.

For example, for over a decade, I have been following the Smash Bros. series. The creator and his team have been working solidly for over 9 years, across two games, including their respective base and DLC developments. How in the world can I possibly top that? If I fail to do so, I will feel so very worthless all my life, just as I do now. This is far from the only example. This same line of thinking applies to all the classic games I played growing up (on SNES, Dreamcast, PS2), the incredible music, cherished TV shows/movies, and more. In comparison to people who worked on those, I am a nothing.

I have come to realise in the past 1-2 years that I am both gay and a furry. My sexuality ties into my body image. I fall into a 'healthy weight' range, but that doesn't stop the constant feelings of being fat, weak, short, and never in the top league. By this, I mean there are so many people I will never be able date, let alone get a response from, because I cannot be as attractive as them. I wonder, how many years must I suffer and work to get an ounce of reward, to be seen as important, a beautiful model, an incredible person who has left their mark on the world?

In my parents' house, I live in fear of binge-eating. The lockdown has prevented me from going to the gym in well over 100 days. Now, all I can do is walk 5 miles every other day.

I have been obsessed with a franchise I have never played, called StarFox. Reading the official lore, stories and looking at fanart to fill the emptiness inside me. You see, I spend most of my days doing Maths work and battling myself, so I only occasionally play games. I have been enthralled by a fan-animated series, called A Fox In Space (developed by Matthew Gafford):

He has been drawing/animating for many years and has become so talented. It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but, from the lore I have read up on, there is something about this series that I think about every day of my life. It's actually two characters: Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnell. Despite being rivals/enemies in the games, I have grown really attached to the idea of them being in a romantic relationship. I wish that they were real, and it makes me sad that they are fictional. I think about them every day, as if they were real people I could meet one day. It makes me sad that I will never have the relationship they have in the stories I've read and art I've seen. Please see this fanfiction written by Gibrish: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11274848/1/The-Storm-Within

Since I was a child, I have been fixated on animation. Some of my favourite series growing up were classic Fairly Odd Parents (Seasons 1-5), The PowerPuff Girls (Seasons 1-4) and Teen Titans. I have since watched all of their episodes as an adult. I am 20 now. I have recently tried to start drawing, as I never did art outside of mandatory schoolwork. I have lost so much hope in my life, to the point that everything is a constant anxiety and out of my reach. I have no hope that, if I invest time into something, I will improve, because progress is never guaranteed. When everything in life feels like such a chore and puts you down, like a grind in a boring JRPG, you are desperate to find anything that can lead to being special, regardless of how it feels. I need a reason to believe that I have any purpose in the world at all.

On top of this, my sister committed suicide last year. Earlier this year, I tried to <mod edit - method> but my father destroyed it before I could hide it away. I have ordered many Amazon items for my work since, so I have developed a false sense of trust with my parents that I will not harm myself. There will come I day where I do get my hands on it, so I can save it for the perfect opportunity. Connections with others are extremely difficult to make meaningful. I do not feel this towards my father at all. I highly doubt that I will ever get the relationship and friendships I want in the future.

My friend (I met them less than 2 years ago, and we have been friends for over 1 year) has been in physical pain for so much of their life. They are on so much medication for their various conditions, and they are waiting to get a blood test this month. They have had so many complications in life. I have said to them: take my organs, my parents and family, all of the benefits I don't deserve, everything. You clearly want to live life much more than I. You deserve parents that care more about you and aren't negligent. The fact that I made this friend gives me significant mental stress.

Months ago, I got my mother to sign a form to have my body donated to the nearest medical school. I just hope that, if I kill myself, some of my body will be usable for science. My future is full of work, and I wonder if I'd be better without. I want to be: an engineer/scientist, artist/animator, singer, well-versed in music theory, writer, physically-strong, attractive, and more. Maybe I could learn to make fursuits? Still, the more I think about all of this, the more boring it gets.

Wishes I think will never come true: to feel loved and needed, to enjoy life and be happy, make a big contribution to science, to make my own show, publish a book about everything I've experienced, maybe make a game or my own music?

I really need help.
Hello sweetness I am going to give you a news YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING neither a machine nor a statistic neither a mannequin nor a computer program nor a calculator andeante .. you are a human being and as a human we have abilities we have defects and also limits.
YOU ARE BRIGHT and your fantasy is to reach such a high level that no one can beat you.
and when we suppose that you succeed then what will be your despair? your disagreement ?.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#3
Hey there!

I felt the need to reach out - there aren't so many people at our age so I always like to say hi.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister and friend, firstly - that must cause you a ton of stress, especially whilst your friend is still suffering.

You have a lot of ambition (definitely use this in your interviews for Cambridge, they'll love that), which can be great, but so much of it is wearing you down. You seem to have such high expectations of yourself that you'll never be happy with yourself... is that right? Even if you accomplished something incredible, you wouldn't feel like it was enough? That's a huge burden to bear. Do you feel this way because you want to be different, you want to have made a difference? Or is it purely what you expect from yourself?

From the sounds of it, you already have a lot of stuff that makes you different - in a good way. From experience, this means it's harder to find people who understand you - but when you do find people who understand you, it's worth the wait.

I hope you find a bit of an escape here. Life can be awful, but it's less awful with people who know how it feels, and want to support you.

Sending hugs

Em
 
#4
It sounds ridiculous, but I feel pressed for time. There are many goals and dreams that I don't want to let go of, but I can't believe I can make it all happen in a lifetime. I feel like making progress requires you to put forward a good amount of faith that it will happen, even if you don't believe it's likely. This disagreement in myself, as well as the jealousy of others, is causing problems.

I think a lot of my ambition stems from existentialism, rather than passion/interest. I am always fighting with myself about if I genuinely like something, or if I'm here to reach an arbitrary amount of greatness. Before I was even suicidal (at a point over 5 years ago), it sunk in that death cannot be prevented, even a century from now. It lead to obsessive searching and research to try and prove myself wrong, but I couldn't find anything convincing.

After that, I decided the next best thing was to be loved by the world and never be forgotten. This is almost as hard as preventing death itself. Thanks to the Internet, a lot of things can exist, regardless of how many people remember it. Now, I'm thinking about things out of my control. For anyone to be remembered, humans will either have to live outside Earth, or die-out and be succeeded by a species of similar (or greater) intelligence. Even if that happened, I'm finding it so hard to accept that the Universe could just 'reset'. Either it's going to expand forever, or it will go back on itself for another Big Bang to happen. It's like reading a book only for the character to wake up from a dream. I find it hard to get meaning out of something that will be undone in the future. It's like I need something to 'be forever' to have meaning.

It also feels like good and evil actions don't matter at all. I admit, it would be terrifying to be judged against the arbitrary rules of a divine being and have no say in the matter, but at-least I would have a purpose in my life. Still, I am an atheist.
 

Winslow

Siamese Twin
SF Supporter
#5
@TomK
In your initial post You said that part of your resentment stems from the fact that your physical-appearance is ugly. But have you heard of the ancient proverb "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? In other words,what you consider ugly about yourself may be actually beauty in the viewpoint of another. Have you considered that?
 
#6
I think by 'ugly' I am comparing myself to the very conventionally attractive. I think, out of everyone, I am average in-terms of appearance, but I've got a long way to go to date people I find attractive. In terms of what I find negative about myself, I think a lot of it lies in the past which I have discussed with professionals and some friends. I have changed significantly as a person in the past few years, but my aspirations and fears are giving me grief.
 
#7
I am feeling really scared about the future. About how much my mood can change (for hours or days at a time), what is actually feasible for me to do in a given time, feeling worthless and unneeded, etc. I have been talking to people online, and I feel intimidated by how much they have done, yet they can't be that much older than me. Despite everything they've done so far, there's still such a long path to travel to reach the 'known' people. I don't find it motivating, but discouraging. They are at such an advantage and enjoy what they do. Everyone says to not compare yourself to others and focus on yourself, but how can you when it's everywhere, in everything you enjoy? Also, if I don't compare myself, how can I believe that I'm good at anything? It seems people have this built-in confidence, to push forward and not stress about how the outcome, which I lack.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#8
Welcome and hello TomK. I get a little bit wondering about the future not necessarily scared so much. I too have found life in all forms have passed me by with those few I have kept in touch with one way or another, my age frame as well as so many who may be much younger. I have also done the compare myself to those other and find myself falling short, fall short.
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#9
Hi @TomK It sounds like you are attached to this idea of greatness. I don't think the people who made your favorite video games worried about being the greatest. I believe they found something they loved and stuck to it. They became great at what they do by dedicating their time to that one thing. They didn't try to become great at everything. Instead of becoming the best, I think you would be happier if you found something you loved and dedicated yourself to it.
 

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#10
One of the most terrifying things to me is dying unfulfilled
That is, indeed, scary. To me, being emotionally unfulfilled, as well as intellectually, would be a freaking nightmare. That's why I make it a point to try to learn and study how the universe works, and try to keep up with new scientific discoveries. That's one thing that I find fulfilling, finding the answers to the universe's greatest mysteries. As far as being alone, that, too, scares the crap out of me. But I try to take small steps to reach both goals.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#11
You admire some people. You do not see the problems those people have with their own lives. You wish to be great, and already you are great. You are an amazing person. You have yet to see the accomplishments you will have in life. I can tell by your writing that you are a lot more intelligent than a normal person; you worry about things that a normal person would never worry about. Why not live it out and see where you go? Find small pleasures in life, like time with your friend, and see where it goes? I care about you and many other people do to.
 
#12
I guess I'll continue my studies and what I do on the side. I feel a need to stay strong, even though I can't control the changes in emotion that will always exist. For over 100 days, I've been learning some Japanese. I still have my electric keyboard from a decade ago, and I have my sister's acoustic guitar (with books to learn the basics). In the last week, I started the art lessons on DrawABox, though I want to draw outside of it too. This week, I'll be going on a short expedition which is, thankfully, still happening, despite COVID-19. I'll come back here if I need to vent or talk about how I feel.
 
#13
I've been back for almost 2 weeks now. The trip was okay, I guess, but the final, longer part is later this month. I had a suicidal episode on the trip, and the people there could recognise my change in mood. They asked if they could do anything help, and I said there wasn't.

Later on, we passed this man. All of us could see he was attractive and muscular. I felt my self-worth plummet. Thoughts were rushing through my mind: "I'll never look like that. I'll never get a partner like that. I wish I was attractive. To get like him, I'll have to put myself through more suffering, and I've failed to do so before. Those types of men wouldn't be interested in me, and they never message me back. The person I'm looking for can't make up for how meaningless my life is." It's a shame that I'll never see him again. Whenever I pass a stranger, I feel like I've wasted an opportunity by not interacting. If I do interact, they promise to send their number but never do.

I've had a lot on my mind. University, art, music, relationships, friendships, past trauma, and more. I feel like there is so much for me to do. I made my first personal statement draft, but all the school staff have been radio-silent for a while and haven't replied. I've barely done any work towards art practice. All I've been doing is writing a neat version of my notes and listening to music that I'm getting sick of. My productivity has been pathetic.

I also feel like I need to write this autobiography (like, within the next year), but I can't see myself having the willpower to finish it. I'm really behind on my reading and revision for university interviews. It makes me sick just thinking about them. I haven't been interacting with my parents, and, whenever they annoy me, I start shouting at them.

I can't deal with this anymore. I don't know how I can ever accept a life where, every other day, I become suicidal, lose all productivity, feel disgusted in myself, and am overcome by all the bad there is in the world. I can't do a thing to help the thousands of people online right now that are going to die, all because this world couldn't be good-enough.
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#14
Sounds like you're dealing with a lot over there...

The trouble with life today is we feel such a pressure to succeed, we almost forget about looking at the things that matter like just being. Yet the pressure is all from within us when you look closely at it.

Your postings prove you can write, start a diary and make notes through the day, This will help you achieve your autobiography later on. Stick with your original plan for mechanical engineering, get a head start perhaps by joining a mechanical engineering forum https://www.eng-tips.com/threadminder.cfm?pid=404

Most things come into our lives when we least expect them, once we start searching for them and trying to make it happen then it all goes t*ts up.

When you take that 5 mile walk again look around you, appreciate the fact you are getting exercise for free, with all the added bonuses of nature around you. Walk the woods, parks, mountains, seas, take a camera, keep a diary, things will appear like from nowhere, as well as inspiration...

Take care
 
#16
This is the third day in a row I've been in the same mood, with greater intensity during early-evening, yesterday. It's starting to lighten-up right now (late evening), but it will be back. The mood involves a lot of anxiety, defeatism, dwelling on past trauma, loneliness, and strong suicidal thoughts (ideation and intent). I had to sit in bed for three hours and stare at the ceiling when I was overwhelmed yesterday. I wanted to die, but my time isn't up until I have something to show for my life's work. Running out of time is a worry.

I have an inability to feel proud of myself. The fear of never improving in a given activity that is important to future me (e.g. drawing, studying, writing, etc.) is enough to stop me from starting. If I do start, what if I never move forward. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I am intimidated by all the others that currently excel in what they do. These people aren't necessarily older than me, but they have experience or talent. I greatly fear university and not being to function in the workplace, due to my erratic productivity.

Results day is scaring me, due to grade standardisation. I can't imagine sitting exams in October (just two months from now) if it doesn't turn out how I want. It's not like I haven't been working, but Chemistry has been ignored since the lockdown. Not that it matters for entry to Mechanical Engineering, but I cannot stop my perfectionism and self-doubt. Regardless of the results, I feel undeserving of these qualifications. I couldn't find any students online who feel like this due to the exam cancellations.

I know how to structure the book I want to write. If it ever gets finished, it will be under a pen name. Finding a literary agent is a whole other story, since I'd prefer a traditionally published book. I don't know why someone would want to read about the bad things in my life, especially if I don't have the answer to my life or to help theirs.
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#17
This is the third day in a row I've been in the same mood, with greater intensity during early-evening, yesterday. It's starting to lighten-up right now (late evening), but it will be back. The mood involves a lot of anxiety, defeatism, dwelling on past trauma, loneliness, and strong suicidal thoughts (ideation and intent). I had to sit in bed for three hours and stare at the ceiling when I was overwhelmed yesterday. I wanted to die, but my time isn't up until I have something to show for my life's work. Running out of time is a worry.

I have an inability to feel proud of myself. The fear of never improving in a given activity that is important to future me (e.g. drawing, studying, writing, etc.) is enough to stop me from starting. If I do start, what if I never move forward. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I am intimidated by all the others that currently excel in what they do. These people aren't necessarily older than me, but they have experience or talent. I greatly fear university and not being to function in the workplace, due to my erratic productivity.

Results day is scaring me, due to grade standardisation. I can't imagine sitting exams in October (just two months from now) if it doesn't turn out how I want. It's not like I haven't been working, but Chemistry has been ignored since the lockdown. Not that it matters for entry to Mechanical Engineering, but I cannot stop my perfectionism and self-doubt. Regardless of the results, I feel undeserving of these qualifications. I couldn't find any students online who feel like this due to the exam cancellations.

I know how to structure the book I want to write. If it ever gets finished, it will be under a pen name. Finding a literary agent is a whole other story, since I'd prefer a traditionally published book. I don't know why someone would want to read about the bad things in my life, especially if I don't have the answer to my life or to help theirs.
You understand the obstacles highlighted above are the obstacles you are setting in place. You can read just the highlighted parts and they all make sense. Anxiety is based on worrying about the future. A part of time which does not exist yet, but still here you are filling in all the gaps now. So if you could just grasp that you are setting yourself up to fail before you even begin then you can start challenging it.
To me you come over as extremely intelligent, and I'm sure one day you'll be a big name out there in the world and I'll probably read all about you.

Now try and use that extremely high intelligence you have to STOP beating yourself up for no reason whatsoever. You know you've got it, you don't need a muppet like me to point it out!
 
#18
You're right. I have to believe and trust in myself. Today has been an improvement on the past three days. Sometimes, it can be so difficult to retain the hope that what I want can happen. My mood affects my interests and how I perceive what I'm doing.

How about you? Do you know where you are headed or where you want to go?
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#19
You're right. I have to believe and trust in myself. Today has been an improvement on the past three days. Sometimes, it can be so difficult to retain the hope that what I want can happen. My mood affects my interests and how I perceive what I'm doing.

How about you? Do you know where you are headed or where you want to go?
I'm as good as going with the wind. And I'm doing ok thanks :)

All you can do is recognize your mood, listen to that voice which I highlighted in your above post, and understand you're letting it keep you in the ground you've become familiar with...

It's a challenge I know, but then life is a challenge. Even those born with a silver spoon in their mouths don't get away Scott free.

In your opening post you wrote, 'regardless of how I feel, I will never give up on my work' and that's all you need to keep doing every time, cuz it's self talk like that, which got all the greatest people in the world where they are today!
 

Quietus

Well-Known Member
#20
Regardless of how I feel, I will never give up on my work, but they want consistent enthusiasm. This is out of my control, and I have been rejected numerous times for not being the ideal candidate. I can go from 'Maths work is manageable, but not really fun' to 'I never want to see this again in my life, and I hate my life.' All of this is in pursuit of making a difference to the world, and to believe that I am somewhat intelligent.
Variations in levels of enthusiasm are normal. For people to expect one to be at the top of their game 100% of the time is irrational, yet unfortunately expected by many. If it's important to you, which it seems like it clearly is, why not fake it until you make it?

One of the most terrifying things to me is dying unfulfilled. I am filled with so much emptiness and loneliness every day, and my mood can change so quickly and severely. I feel very trapped into living. Everything I am surrounded by, whether it be online news, shows, games, etc., increases the weight upon my shoulders. The more talent I see expressed around me, the stronger the desire to match or top their ability becomes. So much so that life is no longer for enjoyment or fun, but rather a journey to obtain skill and worth.
I can certainly relate to this. I personally have resigned myself to the fact that I will die unfulfilled. That is just my truth. It doesn't have to be that way for you. You're still young, I assume, and are clearly intelligent and gifted if you have a chance at Cambridge, and are pursing such a subject. One thing you can't do, is compare yourself to others. Everyone has their own narrative, of how they got to where they are. They had their own unique set of obstacles, and opportunities. So do you. Take advantage of them.

I have come to realise in the past 1-2 years that I am both gay and a furry. My sexuality ties into my body image. I fall into a 'healthy weight' range, but that doesn't stop the constant feelings of being fat, weak, short, and never in the top league. By this, I mean there are so many people I will never be able date, let alone get a response from, because I cannot be as attractive as them. I wonder, how many years must I suffer and work to get an ounce of reward, to be seen as important, a beautiful model, an incredible person who has left their mark on the world?
I mean, let's have a realistic perspective here. The odds of most folks leaving a significant mark on the world is slim. As far as being beautiful, I guess that can depend on various things. Weight is typically a factor, yes. Have you looked up how to max out your appearance? (Maxlooks)

Some people are lucky enough to "glow up" when they get a little older. Others get plastic surgery, lol. You just make do what you have.

I need a reason to believe that I have any purpose in the world at all.
So what is your passion?

My friend (I met them less than 2 years ago, and we have been friends for over 1 year) has been in physical pain for so much of their life. They are on so much medication for their various conditions, and they are waiting to get a blood test this month. They have had so many complications in life. I have said to them: take my organs, my parents and family, all of the benefits I don't deserve, everything. You clearly want to live life much more than I. You deserve parents that care more about you and aren't negligent. The fact that I made this friend gives me significant mental stress.

Months ago, I got my mother to sign a form to have my body donated to the nearest medical school. I just hope that, if I kill myself, some of my body will be usable for science. My future is full of work, and I wonder if I'd be better without. I want to be: an engineer/scientist, artist/animator, singer, well-versed in music theory, writer, physically-strong, attractive, and more. Maybe I could learn to make fursuits? Still, the more I think about all of this, the more boring it gets.
So let this be your purpose, then. Help your friend to the best of your ability. Work on some of your goals a little at a time. If you really want to turn these pursuits from fantasy to reality, you have to put in work. You don't just achieve things overnight.

And you have to be realistic: you may not achieve all of them, or even any of them. But it depends on your capacity for learning, and striving. A lot of gifted musicians begin learning in their formative years, so may not be a option for you. Are you a decent writer? Are trying to grow as a writer? It seems as though you are pulling from various interests and thinking you can attribute them to yourself like a character in a game upping their EXP and Skills. Not trying to be disrespectful, but just hoping you can see that you don't have to catastrophize not being perfect in all of these facets of life. Most people do not accomplish even 1/10th of the things you listed off. If you did, it would be an anomaly.
 

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