Hello, everyone. This is the first post I have made here. As a general backstory, I have been involved with NHS mental health services for almost 5 years, and I have been on different medications for around 4 years. I am diagnosed with ASD and OCD, but, after doing research in the past year, I strongly believe I have borderline-type EUPD. Anyway, there has been so much on my mind.
I am among the students who were not able to sit their A-Level exams this year, so I will get my results on August 13th. I know I will get the grades for at-least some of the top universities. I am looking to study Mechanical Engineering. Unlike many students who applied through UCAS at the start of Year 13, I am preparing for 2021 entry. I plan to submit an application for Cambridge in October 2020. However, I know that normal people, such as those interviewing me for university or a job, can never understand what my life is like. Regardless of how I feel, I will never give up on my work, but they want consistent enthusiasm. This is out of my control, and I have been rejected numerous times for not being the ideal candidate. I can go from 'Maths work is manageable, but not really fun' to 'I never want to see this again in my life, and I hate my life.' All of this is in pursuit of making a difference to the world, and to believe that I am somewhat intelligent.
One of the most terrifying things to me is dying unfulfilled. I am filled with so much emptiness and loneliness every day, and my mood can change so quickly and severely. I feel very trapped into living. Everything I am surrounded by, whether it be online news, shows, games, etc., increases the weight upon my shoulders. The more talent I see expressed around me, the stronger the desire to match or top their ability becomes. So much so that life is no longer for enjoyment or fun, but rather a journey to obtain skill and worth.
For example, for over a decade, I have been following the Smash Bros. series. The creator and his team have been working solidly for over 9 years, across two games, including their respective base and DLC developments. How in the world can I possibly top that? If I fail to do so, I will feel so very worthless all my life, just as I do now. This is far from the only example. This same line of thinking applies to all the classic games I played growing up (on SNES, Dreamcast, PS2), the incredible music, cherished TV shows/movies, and more. In comparison to people who worked on those, I am a nothing.
I have come to realise in the past 1-2 years that I am both gay and a furry. My sexuality ties into my body image. I fall into a 'healthy weight' range, but that doesn't stop the constant feelings of being fat, weak, short, and never in the top league. By this, I mean there are so many people I will never be able date, let alone get a response from, because I cannot be as attractive as them. I wonder, how many years must I suffer and work to get an ounce of reward, to be seen as important, a beautiful model, an incredible person who has left their mark on the world?
In my parents' house, I live in fear of binge-eating. The lockdown has prevented me from going to the gym in well over 100 days. Now, all I can do is walk 5 miles every other day.
I have been obsessed with a franchise I have never played, called StarFox. Reading the official lore, stories and looking at fanart to fill the emptiness inside me. You see, I spend most of my days doing Maths work and battling myself, so I only occasionally play games. I have been enthralled by a fan-animated series, called A Fox In Space (developed by Matthew Gafford):
He has been drawing/animating for many years and has become so talented. It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but, from the lore I have read up on, there is something about this series that I think about every day of my life. It's actually two characters: Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnell. Despite being rivals/enemies in the games, I have grown really attached to the idea of them being in a romantic relationship. I wish that they were real, and it makes me sad that they are fictional. I think about them every day, as if they were real people I could meet one day. It makes me sad that I will never have the relationship they have in the stories I've read and art I've seen. Please see this fanfiction written by Gibrish: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11274848/1/The-Storm-Within
Since I was a child, I have been fixated on animation. Some of my favourite series growing up were classic Fairly Odd Parents (Seasons 1-5), The PowerPuff Girls (Seasons 1-4) and Teen Titans. I have since watched all of their episodes as an adult. I am 20 now. I have recently tried to start drawing, as I never did art outside of mandatory schoolwork. I have lost so much hope in my life, to the point that everything is a constant anxiety and out of my reach. I have no hope that, if I invest time into something, I will improve, because progress is never guaranteed. When everything in life feels like such a chore and puts you down, like a grind in a boring JRPG, you are desperate to find anything that can lead to being special, regardless of how it feels. I need a reason to believe that I have any purpose in the world at all.
On top of this, my sister committed suicide last year. Earlier this year, I tried to <mod edit - method> but my father destroyed it before I could hide it away. I have ordered many Amazon items for my work since, so I have developed a false sense of trust with my parents that I will not harm myself. There will come I day where I do get my hands on it, so I can save it for the perfect opportunity. Connections with others are extremely difficult to make meaningful. I do not feel this towards my father at all. I highly doubt that I will ever get the relationship and friendships I want in the future.
My friend (I met them less than 2 years ago, and we have been friends for over 1 year) has been in physical pain for so much of their life. They are on so much medication for their various conditions, and they are waiting to get a blood test this month. They have had so many complications in life. I have said to them: take my organs, my parents and family, all of the benefits I don't deserve, everything. You clearly want to live life much more than I. You deserve parents that care more about you and aren't negligent. The fact that I made this friend gives me significant mental stress.
Months ago, I got my mother to sign a form to have my body donated to the nearest medical school. I just hope that, if I kill myself, some of my body will be usable for science. My future is full of work, and I wonder if I'd be better without. I want to be: an engineer/scientist, artist/animator, singer, well-versed in music theory, writer, physically-strong, attractive, and more. Maybe I could learn to make fursuits? Still, the more I think about all of this, the more boring it gets.
Wishes I think will never come true: to feel loved and needed, to enjoy life and be happy, make a big contribution to science, to make my own show, publish a book about everything I've experienced, maybe make a game or my own music?
I really need help.
I am among the students who were not able to sit their A-Level exams this year, so I will get my results on August 13th. I know I will get the grades for at-least some of the top universities. I am looking to study Mechanical Engineering. Unlike many students who applied through UCAS at the start of Year 13, I am preparing for 2021 entry. I plan to submit an application for Cambridge in October 2020. However, I know that normal people, such as those interviewing me for university or a job, can never understand what my life is like. Regardless of how I feel, I will never give up on my work, but they want consistent enthusiasm. This is out of my control, and I have been rejected numerous times for not being the ideal candidate. I can go from 'Maths work is manageable, but not really fun' to 'I never want to see this again in my life, and I hate my life.' All of this is in pursuit of making a difference to the world, and to believe that I am somewhat intelligent.
One of the most terrifying things to me is dying unfulfilled. I am filled with so much emptiness and loneliness every day, and my mood can change so quickly and severely. I feel very trapped into living. Everything I am surrounded by, whether it be online news, shows, games, etc., increases the weight upon my shoulders. The more talent I see expressed around me, the stronger the desire to match or top their ability becomes. So much so that life is no longer for enjoyment or fun, but rather a journey to obtain skill and worth.
For example, for over a decade, I have been following the Smash Bros. series. The creator and his team have been working solidly for over 9 years, across two games, including their respective base and DLC developments. How in the world can I possibly top that? If I fail to do so, I will feel so very worthless all my life, just as I do now. This is far from the only example. This same line of thinking applies to all the classic games I played growing up (on SNES, Dreamcast, PS2), the incredible music, cherished TV shows/movies, and more. In comparison to people who worked on those, I am a nothing.
I have come to realise in the past 1-2 years that I am both gay and a furry. My sexuality ties into my body image. I fall into a 'healthy weight' range, but that doesn't stop the constant feelings of being fat, weak, short, and never in the top league. By this, I mean there are so many people I will never be able date, let alone get a response from, because I cannot be as attractive as them. I wonder, how many years must I suffer and work to get an ounce of reward, to be seen as important, a beautiful model, an incredible person who has left their mark on the world?
In my parents' house, I live in fear of binge-eating. The lockdown has prevented me from going to the gym in well over 100 days. Now, all I can do is walk 5 miles every other day.
I have been obsessed with a franchise I have never played, called StarFox. Reading the official lore, stories and looking at fanart to fill the emptiness inside me. You see, I spend most of my days doing Maths work and battling myself, so I only occasionally play games. I have been enthralled by a fan-animated series, called A Fox In Space (developed by Matthew Gafford):
He has been drawing/animating for many years and has become so talented. It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but, from the lore I have read up on, there is something about this series that I think about every day of my life. It's actually two characters: Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnell. Despite being rivals/enemies in the games, I have grown really attached to the idea of them being in a romantic relationship. I wish that they were real, and it makes me sad that they are fictional. I think about them every day, as if they were real people I could meet one day. It makes me sad that I will never have the relationship they have in the stories I've read and art I've seen. Please see this fanfiction written by Gibrish: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11274848/1/The-Storm-Within
Since I was a child, I have been fixated on animation. Some of my favourite series growing up were classic Fairly Odd Parents (Seasons 1-5), The PowerPuff Girls (Seasons 1-4) and Teen Titans. I have since watched all of their episodes as an adult. I am 20 now. I have recently tried to start drawing, as I never did art outside of mandatory schoolwork. I have lost so much hope in my life, to the point that everything is a constant anxiety and out of my reach. I have no hope that, if I invest time into something, I will improve, because progress is never guaranteed. When everything in life feels like such a chore and puts you down, like a grind in a boring JRPG, you are desperate to find anything that can lead to being special, regardless of how it feels. I need a reason to believe that I have any purpose in the world at all.
On top of this, my sister committed suicide last year. Earlier this year, I tried to <mod edit - method> but my father destroyed it before I could hide it away. I have ordered many Amazon items for my work since, so I have developed a false sense of trust with my parents that I will not harm myself. There will come I day where I do get my hands on it, so I can save it for the perfect opportunity. Connections with others are extremely difficult to make meaningful. I do not feel this towards my father at all. I highly doubt that I will ever get the relationship and friendships I want in the future.
My friend (I met them less than 2 years ago, and we have been friends for over 1 year) has been in physical pain for so much of their life. They are on so much medication for their various conditions, and they are waiting to get a blood test this month. They have had so many complications in life. I have said to them: take my organs, my parents and family, all of the benefits I don't deserve, everything. You clearly want to live life much more than I. You deserve parents that care more about you and aren't negligent. The fact that I made this friend gives me significant mental stress.
Months ago, I got my mother to sign a form to have my body donated to the nearest medical school. I just hope that, if I kill myself, some of my body will be usable for science. My future is full of work, and I wonder if I'd be better without. I want to be: an engineer/scientist, artist/animator, singer, well-versed in music theory, writer, physically-strong, attractive, and more. Maybe I could learn to make fursuits? Still, the more I think about all of this, the more boring it gets.
Wishes I think will never come true: to feel loved and needed, to enjoy life and be happy, make a big contribution to science, to make my own show, publish a book about everything I've experienced, maybe make a game or my own music?
I really need help.
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