Life Is Just Gray

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Black_Rose, Dec 10, 2011.

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  1. Black_Rose

    Black_Rose Active Member

    I feel this happens every winter. During the summer I feel fine and I have friends and everything is peachy keen, but as soon as the weather drops so does my spirit. I have so much less energy, eat a lot more and feel down, which is a horrible combination. I eat a ton, feel fat and horrible but I'm too tired to work out, skip meals then fill up on crap. I sit in school and wonder what the point is. I never do my work because I don't have any motivation. I usually stare into space for hours on end. Nothing feels good or worth it. Even acting, which is my favorite thing ever, is super stressful and just not fun now. I broke up with my boyfriend almost a year ago, but I still love him. I felt he was my soul mate and I cannot get past him. I see him almost everyday (not my choice) and it makes me want to bleed. He wants to be friends, and he's already not too happy with life and I can't stand to see him hurt. He doesn't want me back, I know it but I still can't seem to look past him. No one else is worth it. I haven't been happy, truly happy without feelings of shame afterward since 6th grade, 4 years ago. They say they're upping my medication, but I don't believe it'll help. I kind of don't want it to help. I don't want anything. Except my ex, of course. Besides him I'm perfectly passive about anything and everything in life, and I don't know what to do about it. My memory sucks, though, and that's embarrassing, whats even worse is my mother seems to thing its because I was "taken advantage of" when I was young. I have no memories of 2nd grade, and I'm worried that might have happened. I sit in class, in life, and I just want to scream. But I can't, I literally can't. Even if I'm home alone and no one could hear me, I can't allow myself to. Even when my director told us to scream like we were upset and angry and depressed, I couldn't allow myself to. I don't know why. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but not death. I cut, and I like the blood. The pain isn't even that wonderful, though that's why most people cut. I just love the sight of my own blood coming down my arm. I said before I was passive, but that's not always true, sometimes I get really angry. At everything, especially my sister. She's really annoying and mean. She yell at me like she's an adult and treats me like a child, though we're less than a year apart. When she makes sarcastic comments, or my mom yells at people on the road, or my dad leaves in an angry rage, when my family pretends to love God or when they act like we're normal, I want to punch someone. They pretend we're okay, but we're not. My mom's racist, my dad's diabetic and has anger issues, and my sister and I used to dream of leaving. She dreamed of running away from home when she was little, now she's over it. I used to dream of my mom divorcing my dad and kicking him out, then I realized I hate my mom too. Then I dreamed of dying, enough to try it, but they found out. They pretended to care, but they didn't. The only reason I got "help" (it didn't work obviously) was because others started to find out about my horrible ways. Now I dream of running away. I won't even finish high school, I'll leave the day I turn 18, run away to some place that's always warm, so this fucking seasonal depression will die in the heat. I tell people I'll just be a waitress, but I'm thinking of being a stripper. I'm not getting married, I don't believe love lasts, and there's no fucking way I'm having kids and pass down my depression and anger and hate to my poor innocent babies. I don't plan on having a good life, but its better than dying, so they tell me. Is it? Sometimes I think when I get my driver's license I'll drive to New York and jump off one of the really high buildings.
    But probably none of this will happen. I'll probably go through high school, go to a college nearby, study education, get a degree for teaching music, become an elementary music teacher, get married, have kids, hate my life. I'll live unsatisfied, hate my husband and kids, then have to deal with there teenage ways, at least one will try to kill themselves, and we'll either have to deal with the grieving people in our lives or have to stick them in a mental hospital. The kids will slowly move put, we'll retire, one of us will die and the other will spend the short amount of there lives left alone and miserable. I'll get my heart broken many times, break many hearts, have sex, regret it, hurt others, get hurt, deal with tons of stress and stupid people. But that's better than dying, right? Better than not having these pains and few "worthwhile" okay memories, right?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    SAD lot of us have that hun seasonal depression it is so hard to deal with. I have bought a SAD light it does help hun have you tried something like that Have you talked to your doctor about getting some help for you depression meds help some to hun
     
  3. Black_Rose

    Black_Rose Active Member

    I've been telling people about my depression since I got out of the clinic and started medication. Not for the attention, but I promised myself I would stop lying, and if I ever act weird they'll know why. I've never told anyone everything that's happened to me, though, people only know bits and pieces. They tell me how strong I am, and how difficult it is for me to go through everything I have. Like I'm some special case and because of my past and family history I can act a certain way. But, I don't believe it. I don't think I've gone through anything I shouldn't be able to handle. So I saw some porn when I was 7, big fucking deal! People have been raped and beaten, and they don't act as sad and depressed as I feel. Should I be so screwed up because I couldn't complain to my mom about the boy that called me stupid when I was in 3rd grade? My therapist tells me not getting that opportunity to talk to my parents is a good reason for my trust issues, but I don't buy it. People have grown up without parents at all, and have grown up to be perfectly normal. I shouldn't try to kill myself because I don't have friends that invite me out every fucking weekend. I'm also selfish. I get so "woe is me" over stuff that doesn't even matter, while completely disregarding other people's problems. It's all about me because I'm a teenager. The world revolves around me, so if my heart gets broken the world falls apart, and if I don't get an iphone there is no God because I get no love from Him. Can you understand my sarcasm? People wonder why I hate myself so much, well here it is! I'm weak, spineless and self-centered. I have no talents, I'm not smart or pretty or charming. My face and personality sucks, and I can't get over it. I just want to kill myself because I'm going to die an old maid with 50 cats, no husband or friends. Instead of getting through life trying to make life better for others I'm here typing about how much my life sucks. So why don't you just go out there and try to help others? I don't know how, how am I suppose to know people are falling apart? Right now I'm just trying to keep my perfect boyfriend happy, but he's hardly talking to me. (this sounds just like last year, where I ended up shame-filled and heartbroken) Besides, I'm a hypocrite, my head hurts like shit, I'm tired and I don't feel like saving the world today. Can you imagine if superman said that? "hey guys, I know you'd like me to stop this train from falling into a pit full of fire and tornado mix, but its my time of the month and my cramps are killing me." Okay, he doesn't have "that time of the month" and it's not my time either, but you get the point. If I could just sleep until Wednesday (where I'll see my lovely Rick again and he can assure me he still loves me and his brothers simply threw his phone in a river) then run off and live happily ever after with him in Vermont, I'll be fine. Vermont? But you said you have SAD, you'd be super sad in such a cold place. True, maybe, but Rick loves Vermont, and if he's happy, I'm happy. Besides, he told me the sun shines more there, and lack of sunlight is a reason I feel this way, so I may be happier. And, I know, I know, I'm only 16, he's a year older than me, best case he'll graduate next year, leave and we'll have a peaceful, mutual break up then. But that's highly unlikely. He'll probably call/text/ talk to me in the next coupe of days telling me how it was a huge mistake for us to try to go out and we should just be friends, no hard feelings and no awkwardness because we have to see each other every day in Latin and we still have that show together...but yeah, no date, no love, can I have that bracelet back and here's that necklace you gave me. Then I'll go to lunch on an A day crying my eyes out and have to explain to my ex who thinks we're friends but every time I see him I want to run the opposite way that Rick broke up with me and this is how I looked last year when you did this to me, and I'm going to write depressing poetry and don't try stupid jokes like when I was upset the day of It Happens Every Summer because we're not really friends, you're just the closest thing I have to a friend at this school, and really anywhere and that's another reason I want to kill myself, still for selfish reasons. Isn't life fucking fantastic? I'm a self-centered bitch who's expecting the worst!
     
  4. Greeno

    Greeno Member

    Hiya Black Rose. I agree life hurts alot (sometimes most) of the time for whatever reason Just want to say after reading your post that i FEEL and SEE love in you even if you dont. From England stay with us yes X (sorry if this sounds crap and wooly)
     
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