Life is Miserable

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SebFontain, Jan 12, 2008.

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  1. SebFontain

    SebFontain New Member

    This is my first post here. This is probably going to be a long post fyi.

    Well.. I guess I should start off by saying my name is Elton. I am a 29 year old Washingtonian now residing in PA. My hobbies include gaming on my PC, and any type of video game where I can play with or against other people. Fun stuff I tell ya. Sometimes when playing a game you almost feel like you are living in another world... Like you have a second chance, or second life. I suppose that is why I immerse myself so much into these games sometimes..

    Like I said I grew up in Washington state. My father and biological mother had my sister and myself. We lived in a duplex and had an awesome dog named Brandi. My father was a hard working man. He payed the bills and always put food on the table. My mother was an alcoholic and drug user. I believe my father wanted her to be a stay at home mother for us kids but instead her intentions were to go out and get wasted and cheat on my father. I never knew my biological mother. My father in the end found out she had cheated on him and was still using. He asked for a divorce and she stole me and my sister away from him in hopes she could obtain custody of us so as she would have drug money to fulfill her addiction. My father hired a detective who in a couple of weeks, found us a few towns over and got us back. They went to court and with all the witnesses, called her out on her drug habit and the custody battle was won. Sometimes I wonder if I am different from others because she had used drugs and alcohol while I was inside her..

    So overall I don't remember my biological mother. I never knew her, so in replacement of her, my grandmother became my mother. She was a great lady. Very loving, very caring. Very outgoing, very social. She passed away in 1999 from a stroke.

    My dad married a lady named Sheila in 1990? Not sure on the date but close enough. She had two kids, Summer and Troy. My father and Sheila had a daughter together named Madison later. The first few years were good. Me and the other side of the family got together well and we had some fun times I suppose. After those few years things changed badly. I don't know the reason for what I am about to say, but Sheila and Troy became abusive. It started off with Sheila playing mind games with my head. She would catch me when we were all alone and say to me.. "Elton, you gained some weight haven't you?? We need to cut you back on the food! Here let me show you a picture when you were skinny! See you were soooo skinny here but now you are fat." In reality she was showing me a picture of me when I was fat and in reality I was skinny shen she showed me the picture. I suppose that is reverse psychology for ya on a fragile developing mind. She had a ton of psychology books she would read. She was fascinated with the human mind and would always read them. She in return would use me as a test subject and experiment on me with the things she had learned. The above was just one case out of many she had pulled on me. Later on the mental abuse turned into physical abuse. She would pull hair, spit on me, hit me with her fists, slap me, shake me violently and so fourth. Her son Troy would beat me up on a daily basis. I aways preferred Troy beating me over Sheila because he would stop but sometimes Shiela would keep going and going. In the end my father, not knowing what happened, asked for a divorce. Shiela then came back at him with molestation charges. My father was accused of molesting my youngest sister Madison. The court saw things differently and came to the conclusion Shiela was up to no good. Madison did have signs of molestation. Apparently there was tearing in her vagina, but later it was believed that Troy had molested her. I ended up having to live with my grandparents for a year while the case was being settled. I remember it was an odd feeling not receiving my daily beating from either Troy of Shiela. For 5-6 years I had been beaten and at that young of an age it almost became normal to receive a beating.

    In roughly 1999 I had the beginning symptoms of a disorder called Social anxiety disorder. I had no idea what was going on with me. All I knew was that at one time I was a very outgoing kid. I could talk to anyone... Then all the sudden that tapered off and I became quiet and always worried of what other people would think of me. It scared the hell out of me tbh. At first I blamed Marijuana, but now I am thinking it was mainly in my genes. I believe I was 18-19 when the symptoms started. I lost my best friend to SAD. I lost every other friend to SAD. I have not had much steady work even up to this day because of SAD. SAD destroyed my life for years. I would have constant thoughts of killing myself but I could always count on Marijuana to help me feel better. And it did. It helped ease the pain and I would actually have fun by myself being high. I could space out and listen to music, or play a PC game and get myself lost in it. It was an escape which was something I had needed in all my years.

    In 2004 I meet a girl named Mary. We meet online and I instantly felt a connection with her. We could talk about anything. She would always meet me online, every day just so we could talk for hours. It was nice to really know that someone wanted me. I didn't feel like I was defected anymore with her. I felt like I had finally meet a real best friend that I could count on. I remember I was a truck driver for Swift Transportation. I had a laptop with a wireless internet card so as I could pick up an internet connection almost anywhere. Mary and I had a time every day we would meet online or by phone and I would pull over just to talk to her for hours. I never cared about my delivery when it came to her. She was much more important than a delivery, she meant everything to me. In March of 2007 I packed up what little I could and moved from Washington state, all the way across the states to PA to finally be with her. We had meet before so we knew it was right. We took every step possible to make sure it was right just to let you know. And trust me, we both knew it was right.

    As of now it is Jan 12, 2008 4:41pm. Mary has not called me or PM'ed me for 3 whole days. She does this constantly. If I am lucky, I see her once a week. It is more on a rotation though, I will see here one week, then the next time I see her wont be for 2-3 weeks. The last time I saw her was close to two weeks ago, and like I said, I haven't heard from her in 3 days now. Her father had an aneurysm a while back. She lives with him and cares for him. Her occupation is that of a nurse and right now she is working 12 hour shifts. She has been working 12's for quite a few months now. She works 3-4 days each week and is tired on her days off. I can relate, I have worked 12's and know how tired you feel after working them. On her spare time she helps take care of her dad and any house work and also personal tasks. She had told me on quite a few occasions that in February, her father would be in the clear of having another Aneurysm and that she wouldn't have to be around him so much anymore. See, when we hang out, which let me remind you varies from once a week, to once every 2-3 weeks, we hang out for 3-4 hours.. And that's it. That is hard for one to be sooo close to the one they love and only see them that much. So in February she claims he will be in the clear and we will be able to spend more time together. I myself have been seeing signs of this as being false. I am not going to get into it but my senses are telling me that no, things will be the same and I will only see her one a week, or once every few weeks for a few hours and that's that. I know this to be true, trust me. Overall I feel as if we are growing apart from one and another. I feel as if I have not gotten to know her any better than when we started off talking online on on the phone before I moved to PA! I want to know this girl as much as possible. For instance.. her father knows her so well that he knows what mood she is in just by looking at her. I cant tell what mood she is in just by taking one look at her. That is an example of what I want to learn about her. For the last 10 months I have seen her probably 30 times!!! Ten months, 30 visits with no signs of anything changing. I really feel as if we are growing apart and it breaks me. She shows no signs of wanting to learn more about me. She seems so distant and it is almost as if she is ignoring me in her life. She claims to be extremely busy, but she lives only 10 minutes away from me. Overall it takes a person 5 minutes to turn on their computer, write a quick message and send it to let the one who loves them know how they are doing, and to let them know they are being thought of. Three days now and she has not wrote me a single line. Like I said, we rarely see each other, we rarely talk, I moved 2800 miles to be with her, and I think we are growing apart.

    She is all I got. I love my family but I don't think I can hold on to this life without her. If it doesn't work out with me and Mary I cannot picture myself living anymore. I would never tell her this. That would be absolutely rude to put that on some one's shoulders, but I have nothing else to live for!! She was like a angel given to me by god himself and now it is like everything is falling apart.. Lately I have been thinking of what I would do if we broke up. I have nothing else. She is it. If we split apart from each other I literally would have nothing to live for. The last time I thought about suicide was when my SAD was really bad. It has gotten a lot better over time, but lately I have been thinking of suicide if we break up. With all the shit that has happened in my life she was the one person that really made me extremely happy. I am just so unsure about our future together. I would have to do it here in PA. I would hate to off myself back home. Fuck this life has turned out so fucked. Life looked so great as a kid, and then it became twisted and morbid almost... It is almost like life is a joke someone thought up. I am not sure what happens after death like everyone else. I have an open mind. I am not to sure about the whole heaven and hell thing. I instead look more to science. I believe there was a big bang, and I also believe that there will be an end to the universe as there was a beginning. I like many others wonder though, how did the big bang form from nothing?? Something must have made it.. Maybe there is hope of a god?? I personally do believe there is a maker, a god. Ok I am rambling now.... But yea I suppose will end this post for now.
  2. Christianv2

    Christianv2 Well-Known Member

    Thats quite a story. Like others have said no matter how bad it may seem, it always gets better. Just try and work to change things, I know things have gotten you down and it seems like life is just messing with you, but its just a misfortunate turn of events, be stronger than it, dont leave us and stay and talk. Youll feel better.
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I can understand your concerns and pain. Have you actually asked her why she might be distancing herself from you or atleast send her an e-mail about how your feeling, exlcuding the suicidal notion.

    As for getting to know her, well you have the right attitude. Do not compare yourself to her father cuz even he wouldn't know what she is feeling, her moods straight off when she was a kid. It's just from bonding with her and knowing her all his life that he's able to. And in time you will be able to do the same thing. These things take time and is in no way a indication of how close you two are.

    Try not to let your mind wonder off too much with possible outcomes, concentrate on you and asking her if there's something up and how about your feeling. Take one step at a time.
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