Life is not worth it, I want to eliminate myself extremely badly...

[dosFREAK]

My life is not worth it... People judge me based on some of my opinions.
Every single day, I am tortured by these horrible demon kids that never leave me alone... Alot of demon kids in my school discriminate me, just because I am white... Kids would tell me "Shut up, white boy!" "We colored are better than non-colored, at least we play lots of football, and you sit yo a** all day messing with a f**ki'n computer." Every time these demon kids say these things to me, I get so frustrated that when I get home, I start cutting myself with a razorblade... My family is very misunderstanding, as usual, if I talk to anyone in my household about my suicidal thoughts, they will not listen to me, and will treat me like I am an alien from one of Commander Keen's planets...
I can't even use the punching bag I have, because if I do, my sister will pound on my door, saying "Michael, do not use the f****** punching bag, it annoys me!!!" I just usually cut the photos of the demon kids that have tortured me, tape it to the bag, and practice my karate moves on it, but if I cannot even use a punching bag, then I have no choice, but to cut myself, and watch the blood flow, I am always lonely, I never have anybody to do things with, I have only one friend, Sho, he is a very nice person, I played some awesome games with him on my PS yesterday, but, unfortunately, I am just extremely lonely today, my family does not have the same interest as me, my previous friends have betrayed me, calling me physcotic freak, old fashioned b******, and other names, I have a liking to classic games, but many don't. I have this horrible Autism disablility, because of that, I am called a retard alot by others in the terrifying school I go to, I just do not know what to do with myself anymore, I cannot even speak to my parents, because they will just tell me that I have an attitude, I just want to pull my dad's rifle out of the attic, and load it, shoot myself, or just keep piercing myself with a knife...

 

[TheBLA]

I too have faced bullying because of racism in school, only the other way around as an Indian bullied by whites especially after the 9/11 attacks, I can understand your position. Your in 8th grade now right in Irving, Texas? I live in Houston by the way.
Yeah, I was also one of those geeks in public school always surrounded by the jocks, the atheletes. Are there not many "nerds" in your school?
My parents as well just can't understand why on Earth I would even want to think about suicide, they just don't understand the pressures and crap we have to put up with everyday.
Sorry that I wasn't very helpful, I wish I had some better advice for you.

 

[TheBLA]

Ah yes, I had just read your posts and can very easily tell that you are a wapanese. (A white people very interested in being Japanese or Japan only because of their soft culture (AKA animation/comics/videogames/music.)

Please do not take any offense, but I see your chances of going to Tokyo and being involved in videogame/animation creation to be EXTREMELY unlikely. I don't blame you for feeling that, I've had those dreams as well but you will realize sooner or later that its next to impossible and I frequently visit a forum called asiafinest.com where Indians such as I and other asians such as Japanese and Chinese hang out. And they laugh their asses off at people like you, calling you pathetic wannabe losers, not that I do at all.

I just wanted you to know now that you have this dream, but please realize that its an extremely hard dream to fulfill. Japan is a very closed, racist society, not open to foriengers at all. They already have plenty of native Japanese there that will become future programmers, animation directors, etc. Why would they want a forienger like you? Though there are many wapanese like you who dream to go to Japan and develop videogames/animation but they are only mocked and ridiculed.

I really hope I haven't offended you in any way but I just want you to have a wakeup call, this dream of yours is just plain foolish I'm afraid. I hate to break it to you like this, but it is the truth. The Japanese there would only laugh at you, they really don't like wapanese that much at all I'm sorry to tell you this. They will not be very receptive to you.

If you still wish to pursue your dream, more power to you, but I warn you that it would be an extremely rough road to go on. Yes, Japan is extremely expensive and like I've said before, not very receptive to foriengers at all, especially to those working in their videogame and animation industries. It sounds like a cool thing to do, hell, I love Japanese animation and videogames to death, but trust me, this is a dream that you would very much likely fail at. Please do not be angry at me or yourself, I don't blame you for having this dream, but you are still young and a bit immature (though mature compared to most 8th graders).

Trust me, Japan is not a dream land and so much better than the U.S. Every wapanese thinks that Japan is much better than the U.S just because its the center of Japanese videogames and animation but that is a very immature, foolish thought. Thats what many wapanese like you think but their dream is shattered once they actually land in Japan and see its a very hostile, foriegn place and hard to live in. I wanted you to know that even though you hate your family (I don't blame you), they are not wrong in telling you that moving to Japan will not be as easy and dreamlike and wonderful as you make it out to be, so many wapanese before you have thought that and it didn't end well for them.

 

[dosFREAK]

It's ok, because I will find a way to commit suicide, I am finding ways... I am ready to cut myself with a razorblade again, and tommorow, I will pick up a knife, and constantly stab myself, then I will pick up the biggest knife that I have in the house, and slice it across my chest, then I will jump from the very top of my house to the ground telling myself goodbye, life isn't worth, I do not think I should be around anymore, if my dream is impossible to fullfill, I am still finding ways... I will search the internet untill 5:00 AM in the morning if that is what I may have to do to find suicide methods, besides the methods metioned on the ninja pirate website, wish me luck on locating suicide methods...

 

[Forgotten_Man]

I really hate people who are like that... what is worse is that they do not count them selves as racists.... but you need to watch out everyone here will tell you life is worth it. That you need to suffer because you are serving some purpose. Which is all crap in my book.

So you are doing what I do turning to the net. Where else can you turn is the question?

 

[dosFREAK]

Alright, I have finally did my next big razorblade cut, blood spilling to the bottom of my stomach, Aagh, I do not know what I am doing, should I shoot myself, oh no I am having a severe panic attack, I guess I am really a valueless person with dreams for immature reasons, I guess I am nothing more than a terrible immature
person, what should I do anymore????

 

[TheBLA]

No no please, this is no reason to commit suicide! Let me tell you something, I am 19, my second year in college, I'm probably the only one there who hasn't made a single friend, I have no friends, and yet everyone I'm surrounded by has them, I'm also very immature, all I do is play videogames, watch tv, be on the computer, etc. but other 19 years are doing so much more, living and enjoying life. I haven't and probably never will have a girlfriend, I'm a total loser compared to all these other 19 year old and even those younger than me in high school. I'm a 10 year old trapped in a 19 year olds body. I am very immature, all I have in this world are my parents and younger brother....

Just wanted you to know that there's an older, very immature person right beside you, and that is me. Please don't go through with this, at least take some time to think some more. Just hold on please!

 

[Ignored]

... but you need to watch out everyone here will tell you life is worth it. That you need to suffer because you are serving some purpose. Which is all crap in my book.

Firstly, I don't think anyone here would tell people they need to suffer to serve any purpose and secondly, FM what are you doing on this forum since you are clearly NOT pro-life and seem to abhor all it stands for??
Shygirl

 

[sudut]

My life is not worth it... People judge me based on some of my opinions.
Every single day, I am tortured by these horrible demon kids that never leave me alone... Alot of demon kids in my school discriminate me, just because I am white... Kids would tell me "Shut up, white boy!" "We colored are better than non-colored, at least we play lots of football, and you sit yo a** all day messing with a f**ki'n computer." Every time these demon kids say these things to me, I get so frustrated that when I get home, I start cutting myself with a razorblade... My family is very misunderstanding, as usual, if I talk to anyone in my household about my suicidal thoughts, they will not listen to me, and will treat me like I am an alien from one of Commander Keen's planets...
I can't even use the punching bag I have, because if I do, my sister will pound on my door, saying "Michael, do not use the f****** punching bag, it annoys me!!!" I just usually cut the photos of the demon kids that have tortured me, tape it to the bag, and practice my karate moves on it, but if I cannot even use a punching bag, then I have no choice, but to cut myself, and watch the blood flow, I am always lonely, I never have anybody to do things with, I have only one friend, Sho, he is a very nice person, I played some awesome games with him on my PS yesterday, but, unfortunately, I am just extremely lonely today, my family does not have the same interest as me, my previous friends have betrayed me, calling me physcotic freak, old fashioned b******, and other names, I have a liking to classic games, but many don't. I have this horrible Autism disablility, because of that, I am called a retard alot by others in the terrifying school I go to, I just do not know what to do with myself anymore, I cannot even speak to my parents, because they will just tell me that I have an attitude, I just want to pull my dad's rifle out of the attic, and load it, shoot myself, or just keep piercing myself with a knife...

about racist kids in your school...
from now on, whenever these kids diss you, just look them up in the eye and say nothing. you will be tempted to say something or react, but don't do it; this is a subconcious fight. its called the silence technique.. don't ask me how it works, it just does. you'll thank me later.. "silence is the beast weapon"

about moving to Japan...
Freak do whatever your heart tells you. its your life. you have 1. good luck.
p.s Its my opinion that not all Japanese can be racist. some will love you some will hate you. same with all races in the world. thats the way the world is.

 

[Ignored]

As a point of interest, I spent a month in Japan a couple of years ago and found that they were, in fact, very receptive to westerners. Western culture is very popular amongst the young in particular, and I encountered no hostility at all... though quite a bit of interest. Japanese society is very rigid though with lots of do's and don'ts which must be adhered to, but once you are au fait with these I see no reason why you shouldn't give your dream a shot.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Firstly, I don't think anyone here would tell people they need to suffer to serve any purpose and secondly, FM what are you doing on this forum since you are clearly NOT pro-life and seem to abhor all it stands for??
Shygirl

This is not the place to talk about this... but if you want to instant message me or email me we can talk about it there.

 

[TheBLA]

I just wanted to warn him that Japan is nowhere near the idealistic place he is currently making it out to be, merely because of him indulging in its pop culture. How many foriengers have sucessfully started a videogame company there? If he's the first, hey, thats fantastic, but I wanted him to know in advance that he should be prepared to face a lot of stuggles and not be surprised if his dream completely falls apart, its gonna be a long and hard road for him there.

I'm not saying that Japanese hate westerners, they just wouldn't really like westerners who are only there because of their pop culture, I wouldn't like it either.

 

[Satsuki]

no way!!! japanese does likes amelican! infact, many japanese young people loves amerika... i think america is good.. eh.. good then japan i think! maybe.. yes..please come in japan..?

sorry i cannot english well..

 

[poison]

No no please, this is no reason to commit suicide! Let me tell you something, I am 19, my second year in college, I'm probably the only one there who hasn't made a single friend, I have no friends, and yet everyone I'm surrounded by has them, I'm also very immature, all I do is play videogames, watch tv, be on the computer, etc. but other 19 years are doing so much more, living and enjoying life. I haven't and probably never will have a girlfriend, I'm a total loser compared to all these other 19 year old and even those younger than me in high school. I'm a 10 year old trapped in a 19 year olds body. I am very immature, all I have in this world are my parents and younger brother....

Just wanted you to know that there's an older, very immature person right beside you, and that is me. Please don't go through with this, at least take some time to think some more. Just hold on please!

You don't seem immature. In fact, your actually really intelligent.

 

[dark_thought]

Firstly, I don't think anyone here would tell people they need to suffer to serve any purpose and secondly, FM what are you doing on this forum since you are clearly NOT pro-life and seem to abhor all it stands for??
Shygirl

That's the opposite of what FM said, Shygirl, if you read his posts. I don't think that was called for.

FM is suffering like the rest of us; his pain is no less than anyone elses. I must have missed some flamewar somewhere as I don't see where this hate campaign against FM is coming from. You pointed out that innapropriate posting could have dire consequences on this forum and I agree; so give FM some slack.

 

[TheBLA]

Yes, I don't think Forgotten Man meant to say anything offensive, I think what he says is being misunderstood.

 

[dosFREAK]

It seems like my dream is ruined, and will go find methods to kill myself.
I have used knives, razorblades just to rid my fear of what I am having to deal with, until I can find a method. For some reason, I am thinking about jumping off
of a very tall building... I am so f****** behind of my schoolwork, because I am having to speak to the counsuler each day about my suicidal thoughts...
First, my dream is ruined, then I am having to deal with a mother-f***** home suspension from school because I got into a fight with one of those "So-called popular N**** kids who torture the PC nerds, sheesh living in this god-damned state of T**** where a BUNCH of stupid rednecks that support trash kids is so f****** awful, my friend, Dewin has been through the same things as I have been through, it is too bad that he moved to Florida during the summer... And I am even more f****** behind on my god-damn schoolwork, because of this stupid suspension...
So, you see, life really sucks because I live in a state SO F****** awful, that just saying the name of the state is a big time curse word, I just do not know what to do, anymore, I want to shoot myself...

 

[CompletelyTapped]

I know high school is a bitch.

That's probably why I never graduated.

But on the other hand if you stick with your computer knowledge, you'll be hookin yourself up with a nice future.....and chances are some of these people that bully you will work as janitors at whatever high paying job you receive as a result of your hard work.

 

[TheBLA]

So from what I can tell DosFREAK, your one of the few nerds in a school full of the popular jocks/atheletes? I can sympatize with that.

And you also go to a school thats not predominatly white, your a minority at your school and you face racial abuse from blacks for one thing am I right?

Just wanted to say again that please don't think that the United States is an awful place to live in and that Japan will be a much better place. Odds are, it may even be worse. Your only having a very bad experience in a bad school and your experience have been soured. There's a lot of kids like you that are Japanophiles but don't love a country merely because of its pop/soft culture, its quite silly but don't feel bad, I felt that way too when I was your age as well, a lot of people do but when you mature and/or go there, you'll realize for yourself its not the utopia your currently making it out to be.

But, that doesn't mean you have a 0% chance of making your dream come true, its a really good thing you even have this dream and are so set upon it.

When I first came to America back in 1998, I went to a horrible elementary school, everyone there hated me, I was the only Indian, in fact, the whole school was mostly blacks and hispanics, I have nothing against them but they treated me like shit just like how you are going through. Somehow and someway, I managed to survive and pull through. I was also racially bullied in middle and high school too, especially after the 9/11 attacks.

I KNOW, I KNOW that you can survive through this too, the only thing is if you CHOOSE to survive against your horrible school and other circumstances.

I lived in Saudi Arabia before I came to the States and just because of my horrible experience at the public schools here, I grew to hate the United States and wanted to go back to Saudi Arabia despite the lack of freedoms there such as being able to practice my religion. But I have slowly grown to love the United States and not let some things sour my perception of it.