i am here again typing away in truth i dont know why. For the last few weeks The old nightmears are back and stronger then last times, the voices are back and loader. My sleeping is getting worse my body is allways in pain from being so tied my brain is so slow i miss simple things. And i know deep down i dont think i can make it this time. i ask myself all the time do i want to die and i think of my family and say no but i know i mean yes. What i mean is i do and i dont want to kill myself but if i do die in my sleep that be great then i wake up thr next day crying as i have to face the pain all over again. I know the way my mind works and i know one day i ask myself do i want to die and it be yes i have played this game a few times over the years and each time it gets harder to win harder to find ways to keep living. if the nightmares and voices are any thing like last time i know that one day i just give in. I mybe a man and ment to be strong but i can not take this pain and hurt much longer. I am finding it harder to keep my temper amd my eating is all over the place some times i dont eat then i dont stop eating my drinking of coffee and smoking has gone up so much one of my friends at work pulled my up to ask me if i was feeling ok and was i having any more problems And if i show anysigns about suicide he call the police.