Life is over

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Caska, Jun 7, 2010.

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  1. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    All day I Sit around knowing that I will be dead soon. The part of me that wants to live has been stifled by the failures that I have endured. But I am not posting for help, I am not a helpful or social person. I am a negative person who people don't like to be around. I hate myself. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be around me either. I will die at 32, having failed at life. I will leave behind me no friends who will care, family who has many other people to carry on the name. I have become nothing more than a burden. I am completely unstable, dominated by anxiety, and unable to do anything about my life due to depression. I have an appointment to see a treatment provider this Monday. I don't think it will be helpful. There is so much wrong with me and so little that is right. How can someone help me when I won't help myself.

    I have spent the last month conducting siginificant research into suicide methods, and I have settled on the one that is most achievable, even though it isn't full proof. I hope I won't chicken out and that I will go through with it.

    I wonder though, how do others commit suicide, don't they fear failure?

    It is odd, my whole life, I have feared failure, and now I have achieved complete failure and humliation.

    Suicide is the only option for me, but I fear failing at that too. I fear being brain damaged...
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    People who commit suicide or attempt are in such pain that the fear of continuing with life in pain over powers the fear of failing their attempt... at least in my opinion. :sad:
    Suicide isnt the only option just isnt. :hug: you need to get yourself some help and keep posting here :hug:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    It is only natural to feel fear of failure. That is why we often times make a plan to kill ourselves.

    I personally fear all sorts of failure. That is just part of who I am. I also embrace failure. It is a learning experience or so I am trying to believe. You are better than I you are trying to get better. I have not even done that much.

    :hug: just keep trying hun until you have tried everything.
  4. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    I fear that nothing good with happen for me in the future. That is what causes me pain. I just sit and stare, in shock, sitting around with tremendous anxiety. I have made so many mistakes in life. I choose a career I am not suited for. I cannot find a job now, and the gap is growing larger. I fear the future will be terrible, and that is what makes me want to die. I want to die today because I Am afraid to live even for the next month.

    People say that we do not know what the future holds, but the past has been so painful, and I do not possess the tools to integrate into society.

    People say, just get the tools, but I am convinced that my brain is broken, that it is just a broken brain, and that it cannot be fixed.

    It is painful to live with this dysfunctional brain...that is why I want to destroy my brain.

    I understand, to keep trying til I have tried everything, but I am afraid that the society will punish me for keeping to try. Society does not reward or welcome people who are mentally damaged like I am. The pain in the future of more societal rejection is so scary, I don't even want to face it.

    I also wonder, why am I created. I often feel like my life is some sick experiment that I am forced to endure. Like some lab animal, no choice but to suffer through one moment after the next.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2010
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Okay what kind of career do you think you are suited for? Why not just start over? Take a pay city and get an entry-level job in the career you want. I know that this is not very comforting, but I am in a career that I am suited for and am not entirely pleased with my employment.

    I am trying to break my train of though that the past will predict the future. It is hard I still struggle with it everyday. I am trying to cause the unknown to kick in. I do new things God does it hurt to leave the safety of my place. But nothing will change if I keep walking down this path. So I jump off the path.... Maybe I will get hit by a car driven by something wonderful or terrible. But I am suffering now. What is a little more pain?

    Again I know how you feel. Overall my brain is broken. So I am just trying to patch it up. That way I can get by. It will be hard, but hey if I can get by long enough to find what I want then I can be happy. I look at my brain as a computer. I have seen some amazing things done with just one line of code. So I am searching for that perfect line.

    Society rewards those who make a real effort. As long as you do not give up society has no reason to hate you. I know that is not entirely true, however, part of fixing myself is going to be lying to myself. I have to see who I want to be and strive to be him.

    I cannot say why some of us only seem to suffer. I cannot say why others lives seem to blissfully fall into place. I cannot say why some of us make a happy medium. There is a saying though. The gods help those who help themselves. Maybe you are stuck in this funk because you let yourself stay there. Why nit try moving around a bit. :)

    If you want someone to encourage you PM me. Lets help ourselves together. I may be 100s of miles away but I can still smile and congratulate you. So lets be fighters together in this war called life. What do you say?
  6. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    I have let myself drift through. An entry level job? It is easier than it sounds. It is very difficult to get even an entry level job. I have applied for them and don't even get replies.

    No, I think that the reason I am in this funk is because I am still alive. If I had had access to the means years ago, I could have ended this.

    I have already received professional level education, so I cannot go back. It is too late for me to reset my life.

    In life you get only a shot, and if you mess it up, you are screwed. I have messed up my life, but not only that, I should have been dead long ago. I am living past my time, I think why am I writing this.

    I am just being negative and dumping my feelings on others, not contributing anything useful.

    i am angry at the world, socially withdrawn, and not capable... It is like I am living in a nightmare.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    >.> you did not answer my first question... oh well. Trust me hun I know how hard the economy is. I know that most companies would rather hire college grads over adults who want a career change. Just keep applying keep looking. You will find one, sometimes it just takes a while to get through all the resumes.

    You are falling into a pit hun. You need to reach out and grab hold. It will hurt and you will be in pain. However, it is easier to fall than it is to climb. Let us help you up. Let me help you up ok?

    You do not need to go back to school hun. Most employers just want a degree my uncle got a degree in anthropology. Now he helps manage hospitals. You can read find a book on what you want to do. Educate yourself. That will help keep your mind off things.

    I used to think the same. During that time I accomplished nothing. I may be stabbing in the dark right now, but I will eventually hit my target. If we only get one shot in life and death is the mark of that failure. Then the fact that you are still here says you can still recover. You know where you went wrong. Now correct yourself and figure out what is right.

    If you are sad you cannot be useful to others. Dump everything on me let me hear your pain. Let me take it away. We cannot always do things alone. Let me help you. I hate the world, so I am going to make my world tolerable. I want to help you do the same. Do Not give up yet.
  8. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    Oh sorry for not answering the first question, the thing is, I have terrible social anxiety. I went to law school, but it is too overwhelming to be a lawyer. I have been told that I probably have Asperger Syndrome. I need a career with less stress and less interpersonal interaction, but it seems every job you need good personal interaction. But, another type of job, that might require less, it would mean complete retraining and it is too late for me on that. I am not sure what I can do, it seems the world is just not made for me, or rather I was just not made for the world.
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Oh sexy a lawyer ;) Sorry that is really awesome that you were able to complete the degree with social anxiety. That right there would give me confidence.

    I can see where you would have trouble though. A law degree will scare a lot of employers. All jobs are going to be stressful is the problem. Most jobs require interaction, hmmm... what about a driving job? Like driving a bus or doing deliveries? You could be a chef. Most of them can just be let loose on cooking... Ummm hmmmm... well those are a few places To start :sweat:

    Have you ever tried meds? Personally I managed to develop a false persona that goes up whenever I need to be personal. I have social anxiety as well, to a lesser degree.

    You found the courage once hun I know you can do it again.
  10. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    Yes, I have tried meds, but they haven't really worked well, tried all sorts of different ones too, in combination with therapy over the last 10 years...

    Yes, you can see that I am pretty screwed... :(
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :sweat: Well... hmmm... I am trying not to be unyeilding in my optimism. I have never been to therapy... but I am hopeful it will help. 10 years is a long time, I know I would have given up quicker than you did.

    All I can say is that you succeeded once hun. It is no small feat that You made it through law school.

    :( God I feel so useless my logic and natural pessimism is not helping you :hug: Please stay safe, i know you can pull through. Please let me know how I can help you from here.
  12. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    Death is the only solution now :(
  13. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    No... you sound like you need someone to help cheer you on and be there for you. You have come to the right place. Taking on the trials of life is a hard thing alone, but with support you should be fine.
  14. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    I appreciate your optimism, I really do, so please don't see me as trying to debate with you or put down your ideas, because I think what you speak is good.

    But, I feel that my life is like a chessboard, I have made too many bad moves in life now to ever come out ahead. I am down to just my king, while the board is full over the other player's pawns, queen, bishops, rooks and knights. My moves now are limited, that is how I feel.

    Perhaps if I had a board full of pieces I might have a chance, but my moves have lost me those pieces.

    That is how I feel at least, and that all that is left is one more move to check mate.
  15. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    As far as I've heard, there's no law saying you can't go back to school

  16. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    Go back to school for what? Yes, you have a good idea, but right now all I think about is death. Perhaps you are right, but, I don't have any other talents, and I don't have any money to pay with. I guess I can take out loans, but you know....right now I am so tired, I just want to fall asleep forever, I don't want to deal with this world. In any field, I am just going to get told I am a piece of crap. I feel that I have failed and feel I will fail at anything else I try...
  17. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I have a basic idea of how it feels to be in your position. Mind you I'm a lot younger XD. One of the occupations I would like to be in is Gunsmithing.....but as you would know I wouldn't be able to get that 'degree' because of well the mental state :(. So if I ever want to actually get a degree in Mechanical Engineering i'd have to sort out my mental problems :I. As Forgotten said, maybe a driving job? I'd say truck driver'd be pretty cool. I'd like the whole idea of being alone and not having some person pissing me off by chatting in my ear the whole time. The hours'd probly be pretty crap depending on what scale it is, smaller commercial stuff'd be better I'd say.
  18. rvsaraiva

    rvsaraiva Member

    yeah Dude, i'm on the same grudge as you. I too suffer of severe social anxiety, im 29 years old, and too have taken a degree which i hate that costed my job, and now am looking for a new one for 4 months. Well now i look but feel like it´s impossible to find a new job. I'm also suicidal and can´t see any relief besides death. OH which i could turn back in time. I really hate my life. My wife is getting tired i know she is, Iwould be too, and prolly will leave me. I came to live in this country when i was a young boy and never knew what family was beside my mother and brother. All else are strangers to me. Money is running out real quick and i'm thinking it´s time to get my stuff for my method. I really don´t want to die but there is no way out. Time is coming :|
  19. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    here i am with no schooling no hope besides working with a bunch of teenagers at some fast food joint or grocery store nothing but crappy women all my life a destroyed body physically ,mentaly & sexually my life is a joke i would have to work 2 jobs just to make it alone . i might aswell kill myself with my 7th grade education
    fuck this world
  20. Inker19

    Inker19 Well-Known Member

    at least you have a job.

    fast food/grocery store/retail jobs seem like **** to every one else, but I've never been hired by any of those places. not even once. I went to Wal-Mart last week and I walked around the entire store. I counted 5 different retards working. 5 of them. Retards.
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