Life is pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Starkissed, May 14, 2009.

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  1. Starkissed

    Starkissed Member

    I'm hoping people respond to this because I need some insight and to know that I'm not the only one that wonders. I know I'm not it'd just be good to see.

    Does anyone automatically go to edge when even the smallest thing goes wrong? I got into a small fight with my sister and found out my ex-boyfriend blocked me for pretty much no reason on Facebook. Those two tiny little things sent me spiraling and I don't know why. I feel like hurting myself or taking myself away from the world.

    A kid I went to high school with took his own life on March 13, 2009. A ton of kids from my school went to the funeral and we all cried a lot. Sometimes I think he had the right idea and I think about him all of the time. His mom writes on his wall all of the time and she blames herself. This really gets to me because my mom recently told me she didn't want to hear about my problems. That really hurt and it's difficult for me to post this right now. I still wouldn't want her or my dad to blame themselves and think it was their fault if I died by my own hand. I wouldn't want anyone to feel like it was something they did to me, even if it was.

    Why can't there be a way for me to take myself away and not hurt anyone?

    I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight. Not that it matters.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2009
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the Forum and yes, I too, allow the little things to bring me down. I don't know how or why I got to this point, but I feel the same way. Then when the big ones hit, I'm totally lost.

    Only throught therapy and meds. have I been able to get control over at least the small ones. I still don't handle big ones well though, and there are a few more down the road.

    Hopefully this site will help, along with my therapy. I've also had to start over in therapy several times, so I'm just starting to be able to handly issues as they arise. It;s difficult and draining. pm's welcome.

    Take care,

  3. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your parents don't sound very supportive. Sometimes I think of my suicide and how at some level it would make me happy if I knew they were blaming themselves. If there is some spite there. But I've come to realize, with the help of a good therapist :laugh:, that I'm just cutting off my nose to spite my face. When I feel like I want to spite them, I'm just giving them power over me. But you said you don't want them to feel bad, so maybe that's not what's going on.

    To answer your original question. YES, all the time I let little things take me to the edge. My mom comes home after a bad day and tells me to pick up my clothes in a mean tone of voice. It's not that she tells me to pick up my clothes, fine I'll do it not a big deal at all, it's just her tone of voice. And then all of a sudden I think, I might as well just leave this house and go overdose in a field somewhere.
    A girl I like doesn't call me back, well that's it, I'm out of here.
    The internet isn't working today, that's it, my life is over!

    :giggle:. Yes the littlest things take me to suicidal thinking :hug:
    You're not alone hun :heart:
  4. Starkissed

    Starkissed Member

    I just got into a pretty big fight with my sister. I'm trying to get my mom to let me get my own dog. Of course my younger sister had to get in my business and start telling me what I should and shouldn't do. Getting a dog was on the list of things that I shouldn't do. When I told her that she was not my mother she stated that she should be.

    She will be coming into A LOT of money when she turns 18 (in about a year) and so she'll be able to do all of these spectacular things that I only dream about. I think she thinks she's better than me because of it because I will always have less money than her.

    My mother did nothing to stop this fight. She didn't even tell my sister that she needs to mind her own business. What good is that? As a result, I'm sitting here contemplating life and death. I think all of the time that I should just kill myself because there isn't any other point here. But then when I think about dying of another cause at a young age, I feel sad because everyone will be leaving me behind. I already feel that I'm being left behind by all of my friends and family but if I were dead it'd be more final. Do I feel this way because I want to die on my own terms? Let's face it, there's no denying it that I am suicidal. I think about it all of the time and I do spend a good portion of my time contemplating ways to hurt myself. I'm so confused.
  5. LeafQQ

    LeafQQ Member

    Im sorry about the fight you had with your sister… with me its kinda the same thing.. my sister thinks she is better than me because I am such a wreck…
    Maybe your mom thought you two would figure it out on your own.. but on the other hand, you are the elder sister, she should have reminded your sister of that…
    I would say don’t be confused… but I don’t know what its like not to be confused…
    My family just assumed me trying to commit suicide was just a phase… and its like even if I try to talk to them now… they just cut me off… and say I am too emotional…. I would rather die now, when im still young.. rather than later when im proven to be an even bigger failure… I don’t know…
    Sorry I couldn’t help much Starkissed… all I can say is that don’t let your sister get the better of you…
  6. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Now I dont know if this is true or not, but somebody once told me that once you become suicidal, you never really get over it. That is to say, you never really get cured.

    Now with meds, and Docs and so on, things can get better. Heck just look at my live or die signature. It has been awhile since it pointed towards die.

    But because we are, who we are, yes...things, even what other people might consider to be, "little things" can set us off.

    I have the unforunate deal of having a double whammy on this. For not only am I a suicidal person, but I am also an alcoholic.

    So what to we do about this?

    We live in the moment. Perhaps in the hour. Just taking it moment by moment. I tend to stop and think about the little joys in life I can find. Watching a plane fly overhead. Looking at the birds, paying attention to what kind of weeds are growing in the grass. All that stuff is life.

    I look for life like a vampire looks for blood.

    It works for me, and that along with the people here, have kept me going for a much longer time than I would have ever thought when I first joined this site.
  7. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    I always find it's the small things which push me closer to the edge. Like, there's some big stuff which I have and never will speak or cry about, and some stuff that everyone knows, but I can just get on with it. But then I lose my keys, and end up ODing because of it.

    But then, I suppose that's where the saying "the straw that broke the camel's back" comes from.

    And your sister does need to butt out. If it's any consolation, they say that money doesn't make you happy, so you've got as much chance as her of happiness ten years down the line.

    Sorry, I know I'm not being too helpful really...unfortunately that's all I have.
  8. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    Sometimes. The big things make us step up. A couple of years ago I was hospitalized for an attempt, shortly after that my wife was diagnosed with cancer. Suicide suddenly was not an option, my wife needed me to be strong - it wasn't a question of disappointment - she really needed me, and I needed to be there. Until she was declared to be in remission, I wasn't suicidal. Unfortunately, that's a crappy cure for suicidality (just made that word up :biggrin:)
    So it's feeling abandoned because a friend went on vacation, a stupid fight with somebody, losing a quarter down a sewer grate, a library fine that winds up triggering suicidal ideation.
    Believe me, I am not trivializing our problem, just explaining.
    I think suicide is another type of mood disorder, like being bi-polar, and it is essentially non-linear. If you're mathematically inclined, look up the phenomenon of strange attractors - we've got 'em.
  9. Starkissed

    Starkissed Member

    I am trapped inside my own head. I want to look at someone directly in the eyes and say calmly and quite plainly, "I am going to kill myself." I want to let people in just as much as I shut them out. I really, really want someone to help me because I know I can't do this on my own.

    I'm a big supporter of To Write Love On Her Arms. It started with a girl named Renee who was a substance abuser and she needed to go a rehab facility but no one would take her because of the open wounds she inflicted on herself. They said she was too much of a risk. So, the founder and a few friends took her in for five days. They showed her what it was to be loved and cared for. They tried to make it the best week of her life. I want that. I want someone to save me. I can't save myself. Sometimes I fear that that might never happen. Sometimes I think I'm doomed to these never ending feelings of despair and hurt. I want it to end so very badly.

    One of the reasons why I'm still here is because I'm scared of Hell. If I knew for a fact that I'd go to Heaven and I'd be in a better place, I'd do it.
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sometimes it is the "small" things that add that little extra push that drives us closer to the edge. They are one more thing that overwhelms you. Things feel out of control and taking your own life is one thing that no one but you has control over. I am sorry to hear about the disagreements and such that bring you closer to the brink. Someday things may change for you Ashley. These years as a teen can be so difficult. Where do you fit in? Not a child, but not yet an adult. This in itslef causes confusion. You will someday have more control over things. Do your best to survive with the idea that things can change with time. :hug:
  11. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    Yes, that used to happen too me so much, you get so used to all the bad things happening, so even when something little happens it just makes you feel so overwhelmed. It's horrible. But in time I believe you will develop coping skills, so that if something upsets you very much, in a short time you will be able to calm yourself down & think it over properly. Try talking to people on here though, they can help you feel better & not so alone, please hold on.
  12. Starkissed

    Starkissed Member

    It is taking me everything I have not to do some serious damage to myself or something else near me. I am filled with so much rage that sitting here is making it worse. I have no one to talk to. I have no reason to stay. It will be so much better once I'm gone.
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