Life is so difficult

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BipolarOne, Jun 29, 2014.

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  1. BipolarOne

    BipolarOne Active Member

    On Friday, I was convinced I was going to end my life. Then I arrived at my therapist's office, and he had up the web site for the local CAT TEAM (centralized assessment team= a psychologist and a sheriff). If I could not prove to him that I could contract for safety, he was going to make the phone call and send for the CAT TEAM. I would have ended up being taken to a hospital in a sheriff's car, probably under a 3 day hold. It was a close call. I surrendered my bottle of pills to my therapist, and I avoided him making that call.

    I still feel terrible. I still feel like I want to die. But I definitely do not want to end up in one of the awful hospitals around here. There is not a decent one in our area. The quality of care has declined in all of them so much over the last 5 years. I have been in 2 hospitals in the last month, and speak from experience.

    I am just having such a hard time dealing with my suicidal feelings. It really hurts inside, and it hurts knowing I don't have a way out now. Why is living so difficult?
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    There have been many situations where I have felt trapped over the years. Here if you need to talk :hug:
  3. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I'm assuming living isn't supposed to be easy.

    From your name, if you have Bipolar which is a serious mental illness, I can only imagine you have to fight all the harder for stability than others do.

    Has something changed in the last month that has led you to be more actively suicidal?

    I would hope that whilst taking your pills away and having a safety contract, your therapist has also initiated more supportive care - e.g. more regular contact etc. I hope but not sure it'll be the case.
  4. BipolarOne

    BipolarOne Active Member

    My therapist is being very supportive. I saw him 4x last week, and will see him 3x this week. He gave me homework today which we will discuss on Thurs. and he wants to start EMDR therapy when he feels I am comfortable enough to begin. Right now EMDR seems a bit scary, so he's waiting for me to feel willing before we begin. He is a terrific therapist.

    My suicidal feelings began when my doctor put me on Latuda, and just as soon as I increased the dosage from 40mg to 60mg, then to 80mg. It brought on extreme feelings of anxiety, exacerbated my depression and I developed suicidal ideations and dreams. I am no longer on the medicine, but once the symptoms began they just spiraled.

    In the middle of all this, I started TMS treatments. I thought it would be so much easier than ECT. Instead, I feel like I am being tortured. The treatments are miserable. They say it takes about 18 of them to start making a difference. I have had 9 so far, with no relief from depression yet. It just feels like everything is getting worse instead of better.
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