life is so strange - it changes so fast and it brings dark thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by look, Aug 14, 2013.

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  1. look

    look New Member

    i honestly thought I had the world. money, house, dogs, wife. still have everything but the money is going. its going fast. lost my job almost 2 years ago. I was making so much god damn money I thought I was invincible. I even thought that I could go 10 years without working. but we didnt stop spending. lived like we still had the money coming in. savings depleted. debt surpassed anything I thought I would ever owe. money still not coming in. I tried a commission job. failing miserably. worst part is that I keep going to a dark place in my mind. ive not told anyone my thoughts. I cant bring myself to. but every time I keep thinking its easier and a cheap way of fixing this. I cant seem to stop the thoughts. Ive not sought professional help as Im scared of what Ill find. what I am or worse what I am NOT. Im educated yet I feel as low in intelligence as a person could be. Ive tried to get jobs but cant get interviews. I feel worthless. totally and utterly worthless. my wife loves me which probably keeps me from doing anything regretful. not for me what would I regret I wouldnt know anything. just blackness. there is no god. no religion. people think that believe that I dont. too much hate and disgust in this world to believe in any higher power. I keep sinking. sinking into dark thoughts. I know what I have to do to get out of it but Im frozen like I can reach the solution but I cant move a muscle to get the job done. Ive never been so scared. I look to blame outside influences but I know its me that is wrong. its me that has screwed it all up. worst part is that I could sell the house, get a new one but smaller and be debt free yet I cant break free of this chain of this house to want to do that. its another decision that I cant make. what the hell happened. is it depression controlling me? something else? I found myself running the other day and I kept hoping my heart would just burst. then I ran across the street to get to the other sidewalk. barely even checked for traffic. subconsciously did I see it was safe? i dont have a drinking problem or drugs I dont hurt myself but my mind just refuses to let me act. why the hell am I so scared of everything now. when I cross a bridge that thought pops in my head.... where does that come from? ive taken tests at mindcheck.ca and they tell me to seek help but I still dont. I Dont even know if I want anyones thoughts on this site. no offence to anyone I just needed a place to put these thoughts that no one I know would find maybe actually putting them somewhere would make me see something. i feel like Im waiting for someone to finally rescue me maybe. that thought crosses me sometimes. so many people have always looked to me for help and to save them and when Ive come to them for my own help (never monetary) they dissapeared. have I hurt people in the past. of course who hasnt. I thought I made amends for it. I believe in karma I guess maybe this is my karma. maybe I deserve everything happening to me. I hear things sometimes too. I am probably imagining that part. I wake up at night and am terrified and frozen. its coming on 2 years since I made any money. 2... Ive worked since but for commission hell I PAID to work and accumulated this debt. sorry Im all over the place which seems appropriate for my state of mind. I dont even know what I want from this. Im just in a really dark place
     
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Welcome to SF.

    You don't need to apologise for letting off steam.

    It sounds like there is something depression based engulfing you - with which medical professionals (doctors/therapists) may actually be an idea to try. You say you haven't tried it yet, and what have you to lose by at least trying?

    The employment market these days is actually fairly challenging - experience vs education and such. It's not easy and many people are in similar boats of actually trying to find work (myself included) - that if we find what we want, the chances are 100s of others are looking at the same time at the same role.

    As for the house - if it gets you out of debt and you can get it sold/get a smaller one - I'd recommend seriously considering it. Debt seems to be consuming you, maybe seek out debt advice?

    Hope some of this helps.
     
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hello and welcome to the forum.

    hope it proves a useful tool for you
     
  4. look

    look New Member

    thanks. I actually copied what I wrote here and sent it to a therapist my wife suggested. they um contacted me late last night to meet with them tomorrow so Im going. I guess the steam is what I needed to release to get the ball rolling.
     
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