Life is the same for the past 12 years

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mike.wong, Oct 15, 2014.

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  1. Mike.wong

    Mike.wong New Member

    Life is the same for the past 12 years
    My name is Michael, I'm currently 17 years old and I'm a senior in high school. I felt like my life is the same for the past 12 years and every year gets worse and worse. Since I was 5 years old I was a happy child with a bright and pure heart, I loved everything. I was awarded the gummy bear award because I was a friendly caring person that cared for people and loves helping, and being friendly to everyone. After the age of 5 I started getting bullied. I was physically and verbally attacked. I didn't know why people would pick on me. I tried to ignore throughout the 12 years. I only have 5 close friends, but I rarely talk to them because of my insecurity, depression, and anxiety.

    On my freshmen year of high school I was... Well still attending a private school, a religious school, which is a private christian school in my city called Gainesville. I thought I was going be fine, until there was more people picking on me, I couldn't deal with it I tried to ignore it as I couldn't deal with it anymore, on that year I tried to attempt to kill myself as I failed. In my sophomore year it was the same so as my junior year as well.

    This year is my senior year, and I'm still dealing with depression for the past 3 years. I felt like life isn't worth living anymore last month and I'm still think about it again. I felt like I'm just tired of living a life where i'm getting physically and verbally attacked. During school I would fake my expressions and my moods, I would fake smile and try to force myself to laugh. People would ask me if I'm okay, I would say yes, but I'm not okay. As my family told me I only have a couple of months and I'll be graduating soon I soon thought of moving out of Florida or somewhere far far away from Gainesville. The fact that one of the reasons why I'm getting bullied is because I have the feminine voice, and I'm also gay. I felt like if tried to change I couldn't. It was hard to change my voice or who I liked.

    During my first day of being a senior I thought it was going be perfect! This is going be a good year, until this guy that actually I don't like. His name is Bryan, as he is the former head coach of the gator basketball son. I felt like he has power over me since his dad is a head coach for the basketball team of UF. And if I tried to stand up I wouldn't have the chance. Anyway during my sophomore year in lab class he asked me why my voice sounds like a girl or a gay person would sound, and if I was gay I was going to hell. And I didn't even know this person, neither did he. At this point when he came back to this school, and which this my last year being here I felt like I'm just done. I don't want to live anymore, I've been suffering for the past 12 years of people picking on me and verbally and physically attacking me that I felt like as for bryan picking on me everyday, mocking how I talk or act reminds me all those bad memories of me getting bullied from the past. I have no clue what to do at this point. I felt like I lost hope not just because of this bryan guy. I just feel like I've been living in a life where only a small percentage of my life is good and the rest is bad. I felt like I'm suffering, and I'll keep suffering until I'm done. I still have thoughts that I don't belong in this world. But I need your advice, what should I do?
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You should be glad when this year is done and behind you and you have the ability to choose your place to live, your place to attend further college or going to work. You should be anticipating and even making lists of all the things you want ot change about your life and then looking at that list and deciding what steps you have to take to get to those things and be thrilled then in just a few months many of those decisions will be yours to make. Nothing has changed for the last 12 years because with the exception of age and grade or teachers, nothing has changed. You have been a student in a school chosen for you by somebody else in classes chosen for you or mandated by somebody else. Now, in just a few months, some things will finally have a chance to change and you can start making those decisions so make that change into something that looks like what you want for yourself.

    Spend the next 7 or 8 months making plans to make the changes into something that will work for you and be happy that this stage of your life where everything is dictated and decided by others is nearly over. Many people like to talk about the fun and carefree days of being in high school, and all the stupid movies about how great that should be- for me they were by far the worst years of my life, and that is the case for many in reality.

    Your goal at this point should be to make realistic plans for how to make things change and then setting off to make that happen otherwise nothing really will change and in 4 more years you will just have been a student that much longer and feeling the same way. But be glad this phase of your life where you have so little control is nearly done and happy with yourself for having made it through it.
     
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