Now, I'm not an idiot. Not completely. I understand that I don't have the worst life, and that I'm not a starving person in a third-world country, and I don't have a terminal illness, but still...
At first glance, it may seem like I had a bad day and I'm just venting, but no. That is not the case. Even though it could always be worse and that no one has the perfect life, my life was still a very uncomfortable, confusing and difficult one. Ones with a lot of stacked negatives - I'll define that a bit more as I go on.
I was brought into this world very alone. I mean we all are, but some more than others. My parents - who are awesome - but still made the not-so-great choice, "Uhh yeah, let's have a child first and then we'll get our lives in order." I'm an only child, which is something that can be very dark and mind-altering for a young kid. These are things that can last for the remainder of life.
Then I began school, which was hell within hell for me. There wasn't a single day in school where I was popular. A good chunk of that was my fault, as my secluded life led me to be very desperate and attention-craving, and even more so when other kids got it for no reason. However, even when I was well-behaved, teachers always singled me out and barked at me, embarrassing me to insane distances. Every kid has gotten in trouble here and there, but I noticed that those who misbehaved even more than me got off easy everyone jumped down only my throat.
Teachers would aim their crosshairs on me, and they attacked me for so long and in such a ruthless manner, that it gave other students the idea that I could be picked on without penalty. "Well, the teacher is fucking with this kid, so that totally means we can!" Sadly that was true, as I was in a position where teachers would even side with the bullies that were messing with me, meaning that I had absolutely NO method of getting a stack of bullies off me unless I had the physical strength to deal with all of them.
I was so hated that teachers went the extra step to make me sit alone when everyone else sat in groups. I could still feel the sad feeling in my chest when I watched the other kids laugh and chat with each other, and I couldn't because I was sitting alone waaaaayyy off in the corner. I can still feel their bony hands clutching into my shoulders, dragging to empty areas of the classroom. This kind of thing sparked my belief (at the time) that god did exist, but only made me to make others look good by forced comparison.
I was never good looking either. I would have liked to have the long sexy surfer hair, but I didn't, I had the ugly stacking hair. It'd be nice to have a cute chiseled face, but I have more awkward and malformed one. The kind of face where people just tell you you're ugly right up front, and treat you different altogether just for that. These things caused me to be suicidal at a very young age.
Oh hey, let's move on to my nonexistent love life. I don't think I've ever had a girl like me back. Even if I was slowly gaining a chance, there's gotta be the magical cloud of embarrassment that follows me. I'm a D+ product. Why would any girl with a brain go for a D+ when they could have an A+ for the exact same price? Girls simply not liking me back would be one thing, but it doesn't end there. If any girl found out I liked them, they snapped. They got all angry and depressed and thought "Auuugh, that's who I attract?" and spent their existences trying to avoid me and staring daggers at me. I hated when girls did that, it made me feel so uncomfortable with myself. These same girls also spread around the stories "Oh my god this kid tried ask me out and omg and..." which permanently damaged my reputation at whatever school I was at.
This was a phenomenon that occurred with girls of all types. Be it popular, nerdy, whatever. I just happened to have the exact construct of DNA that attracted no female being. What were the odds? It's funny though, these girls would have just enough to accept me as a friend on MySpace or Facebook, but then delete any comments I left them because they were too embarrassed of me leaving them, no matter how simple the comment was. Yeah, that doesn't make me feel douchy at all.
Then comes high school, and once more I watch all my friends get the positive attention while I become the invisible man. I had two choices, be an invisible nobody or be a hated mocked somebody. No positive choices. I thought "high school will be like the movies! We get fucked with in the beginning but we win at the end!" No, life is not a 3 act movie. When I graduated high school, I was still a nobody who vanished from everyone's consciousness.
The unfortunate events are too close together and they are still ongoing. No matter how I change myself or act, I am always the clown with the target painted on my face. On top of these, I developed many mental illnesses that aren't bearable. This caused me to make two suicide attempts that I miraculously survived. I don't believe in an afterlife or anything, so I'd rather have the blank nothing after death than the awkward unwinnable life.
If I could make myself vanish out of time instead of dying, I'd do that instead. I have no business being alive, there is nothing here for me.
At first glance, it may seem like I had a bad day and I'm just venting, but no. That is not the case. Even though it could always be worse and that no one has the perfect life, my life was still a very uncomfortable, confusing and difficult one. Ones with a lot of stacked negatives - I'll define that a bit more as I go on.
I was brought into this world very alone. I mean we all are, but some more than others. My parents - who are awesome - but still made the not-so-great choice, "Uhh yeah, let's have a child first and then we'll get our lives in order." I'm an only child, which is something that can be very dark and mind-altering for a young kid. These are things that can last for the remainder of life.
Then I began school, which was hell within hell for me. There wasn't a single day in school where I was popular. A good chunk of that was my fault, as my secluded life led me to be very desperate and attention-craving, and even more so when other kids got it for no reason. However, even when I was well-behaved, teachers always singled me out and barked at me, embarrassing me to insane distances. Every kid has gotten in trouble here and there, but I noticed that those who misbehaved even more than me got off easy everyone jumped down only my throat.
Teachers would aim their crosshairs on me, and they attacked me for so long and in such a ruthless manner, that it gave other students the idea that I could be picked on without penalty. "Well, the teacher is fucking with this kid, so that totally means we can!" Sadly that was true, as I was in a position where teachers would even side with the bullies that were messing with me, meaning that I had absolutely NO method of getting a stack of bullies off me unless I had the physical strength to deal with all of them.
I was so hated that teachers went the extra step to make me sit alone when everyone else sat in groups. I could still feel the sad feeling in my chest when I watched the other kids laugh and chat with each other, and I couldn't because I was sitting alone waaaaayyy off in the corner. I can still feel their bony hands clutching into my shoulders, dragging to empty areas of the classroom. This kind of thing sparked my belief (at the time) that god did exist, but only made me to make others look good by forced comparison.
I was never good looking either. I would have liked to have the long sexy surfer hair, but I didn't, I had the ugly stacking hair. It'd be nice to have a cute chiseled face, but I have more awkward and malformed one. The kind of face where people just tell you you're ugly right up front, and treat you different altogether just for that. These things caused me to be suicidal at a very young age.
Oh hey, let's move on to my nonexistent love life. I don't think I've ever had a girl like me back. Even if I was slowly gaining a chance, there's gotta be the magical cloud of embarrassment that follows me. I'm a D+ product. Why would any girl with a brain go for a D+ when they could have an A+ for the exact same price? Girls simply not liking me back would be one thing, but it doesn't end there. If any girl found out I liked them, they snapped. They got all angry and depressed and thought "Auuugh, that's who I attract?" and spent their existences trying to avoid me and staring daggers at me. I hated when girls did that, it made me feel so uncomfortable with myself. These same girls also spread around the stories "Oh my god this kid tried ask me out and omg and..." which permanently damaged my reputation at whatever school I was at.
This was a phenomenon that occurred with girls of all types. Be it popular, nerdy, whatever. I just happened to have the exact construct of DNA that attracted no female being. What were the odds? It's funny though, these girls would have just enough to accept me as a friend on MySpace or Facebook, but then delete any comments I left them because they were too embarrassed of me leaving them, no matter how simple the comment was. Yeah, that doesn't make me feel douchy at all.
Then comes high school, and once more I watch all my friends get the positive attention while I become the invisible man. I had two choices, be an invisible nobody or be a hated mocked somebody. No positive choices. I thought "high school will be like the movies! We get fucked with in the beginning but we win at the end!" No, life is not a 3 act movie. When I graduated high school, I was still a nobody who vanished from everyone's consciousness.
The unfortunate events are too close together and they are still ongoing. No matter how I change myself or act, I am always the clown with the target painted on my face. On top of these, I developed many mental illnesses that aren't bearable. This caused me to make two suicide attempts that I miraculously survived. I don't believe in an afterlife or anything, so I'd rather have the blank nothing after death than the awkward unwinnable life.
If I could make myself vanish out of time instead of dying, I'd do that instead. I have no business being alive, there is nothing here for me.
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