life is tough (super long post)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LudgerKresnik, Sep 4, 2014.

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  1. LudgerKresnik

    LudgerKresnik Member

    I have just joined recently and i have been reading many posts and i feel as if everyone is having a tough time trying to come up with valuble advice because the intial posts are so vague.Therefore i will be listing everything i beleive to be responsilbe for my depression and hoping that someone could relate to these problems and give me some good advice. This will be a long post.

    What i feel contributes significantly towards my depression is that im a 22 year old virgin. Not only have i never had sex with a girl, never had a girlfriend, never even kissed a girl infact and there are several reasons for this. The most is important reason for this is the condition of my penis. Not only is it small (2-3 inchs erect) it is extreamly sensitive to the point where it starts to hurt if the head touchs anything. It is so senstitive that i can orgasm without even touching it if the visual aid is incredibly stimulating and this is where the "never kissed a girl" part comes to play. Everytime a girl touchs me for an extended period of time i start to get an erection and i have been longing for a relationship for so long that i find most girls attractive now. It absolutely scares the hell out of me because the erection is visible through my pants and its clear as day that i have a small penis and therefore i have never had the courage to approach a girl. The sensitivity plays a part aswell because no matter how i masturbate i barely last a minute, even if i masturbate 3-4 times in a row i do not last long and this bothers me because most of my friends who are in a relationship say that sex is one of the main pillars for a relationship and to know that from birth i was not capable of providing physical love to anyone bothers me to the point of suicidal thoughts, even typing this now i feel like i was not meant to exist in whis world like im some sort of abomination. To add to the abomination theory i know from many guys and girls that i am infact ugly. This comes from both bullying, from strangers and from people who i have actually known and loved. When i heard from a girl ive known and spent time with for so long told me that i was ugly, not un-attractive, just straight up ugly (of course im not speaking to her anymore) i was heartbroken but then i thought that this was only from one girl out of millions, everyone has different opionion etc. but through out my life ever since that point several sources deem it to be true and now i see why. Im incredibly hairy, i have hair growing in places id never thought was possible (on the nose, cheek, ear lobes, knuckles, forehead!), i used to be obese (16-17 stone due to comfort eating) but now ive lost about 4 stones which i think has had a both positive and negative effect on my body because although i look in shape i have now gained horrbile stretch marks all over my body (biceps, love handles, thighs etc.), i used to suffer from severe eczema untill the age of 20 when it finally calmed down but i still get the occasional rash and acne across my whole body including my face and i suffer from anxiety which causes me to sweat from my forehead which looks like ive ran about 2-3 miles and this occurs in places where there are large groups of people and from sudden temperatures changes but i think this one runs in the family because my brother and mother suffer from this aswell.

    The reason why i dont want/cant to commit suicide. We are poor. I have a mother, a father and a big brother and we live in a council house in a student area. Everyday from the start to the end of term theres music, shouting, parties and constant delinquency and weve been complaining for too long now over 7-8 years but these new age students just dont listen and the council have no power at all and its a constant headache. My father is disabled so can not work at all, my big brothers a dead beat and my mother was recently diagnosed with cancer so the responsibillity falls upon me. I love my family so much that i dont want them to be living in this god forsaken house for the rest of their life or atleast before they die. We have tried everything to sell the house but no one wants to buy this house except for landlords who want to convert the house into a student house however this new law has been made to dissallow the conversion of houses into student houses which is stupid because 90% of the houses are student houses. We have tried appealing to the council but as i have said before they are utterly useless and would not revoke the rule just this once. The only two options are for me and my big brother to get a full time job (highly unlikely) and get a joint mortgage or for me to get a job and mortgage by myself.

    This is where the problem arises, i have been suffering from depression since the age of around 12-13 when someone noticed a "small bump" in my pants and when i found out though watching porn that my penis is small. Through out college and university i have understood the stigma of having a small, non-working penis and have managed to lie my way out of conversations with strangers and my friends even my best friends about sexual experiences and infact the size of my penis. However the stress of failing at college and university almost kept my suicidal thoughts at bay for some reason maybe because i am competitive or i didnt want my family to see me as a failure i dont know, i even took a masters course because i was offered one even though i didnt want to do it. I was depessed for certain but to the point of suicide not so much. Since i have graduated from university my depression and suicidal thoughts have sky rocketed. The fact that im a virgin, ive never had sex with a girl, kissed a girl, been on date with a girl, the fact that i believe i will never will have a wife and family in this life PLUS all the financial stress of me being heavily in debt and having to find a job and support my broken family is just too much for me to handle. Its funny because i am so depressed that i dont even have the willpower to find a job or to even work yet i cant abandon my family and therefore i cant commit suicide. All i do everyday is escape life by playing video games or watching tv and ive began to comfort eat again and i always feel frustrated with myself when im in bed and think that tomorrow i should do something productive and yet i wake up, depression kicks in and low behold im back playing video games or watching tv, the cycle just keeps repeating itself.

    This time i thought i would go online and see if there is anyone, anyone who is in a similar position to me and has managed to overcome this quarter life crisis and could give me some advice as to what i should do because the longer this goes on the more mentally unstable i feel. Im really sorry about the lost post, i just had to get most of it off my chest because i really do need help.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I do no thave answers for everything - I am not going to try. What I am going to say is that 90% of your issues are based on your own thoughts and anxiety - not on fact. Nobody knows the size of your penis unless you make a practice of wearing see through speedos. If you wear normal jeans that fit correctly nobody is going to notice size of penis and unless they are specifically touching that area over you pants they will not know the state of it. The feelings otherwise is 100% paranoia - unless like i say - you are wearing speedos or other similar clothes in general. So far as ugly goes- I have no idea what that even means. People with all looks get married and have relationships everyday - once again - this is a case where you are letting your personal ideas dictate your personality and the way you interact with women and people in general. There are all different types of people - complexions , shapes and sizes, and 90% find relationships. The 10% that do not - it has nothing to do with looks or size or sexual prowess - it is because their own inhibitions based on their own shallow perception of the world make them unattractive. Most often on here in these situations it is the people that are most self conscious of these things in themselves are also most critical of imperfections in others and demand any potential "mate" to be flawless.

    You will not likely get a great number of replies because this is all too common as are all the replies to the replies - and it always boils down to the same thing- either you can try to either on your own or through counseling to realize how shallow these concerns are so you can work on being somebody that is interesting and has something to offer a date besides these small things you find yourself deficient in and accept flaws in others as well , or you will continue to be lonely because you have decided you know better than 3 billion women what every women in the world wants and have decided for them that you are unattractive and undesirable and in so doing made yourself that way (not because of the physical things but because you are so hung up on the physical things that you never show off any thing they might be interested like simple company, compassion, kindness, a sense of humor , etc) and in deciding for then what is important when they say no it is not and you insist it is you are in effect telling them their opinion is not valid and they are not smart enough to know what they want.

    Get some counseling or stop reading porn on the internet or talking to friends in bars or comedians on stage that tries to convince you penis size and all that crap is the important thing and try meeting some women. Stop worrying about what will happen when they decide to have sex with you when they have not even decided if they want to have dinner with you. You will not be attractive to very many women when they get the idea you are wondering about sex with them before you remember their name. If you think these things are not far more evident than what is behind your jeans when you talk to a woman you are very wrong.

    Sorry if this comes off a little harsh but despite your feeling it is uncommon it is not - at all. The only thing it always has in common in the end is that the person decides for themselves these things actually matter and people have a hard time relating to that level of shallowness.
     
  3. Last_Chance_Charley

    Last_Chance_Charley New Member

    You know, your ancestors have been finding love and procreating in an unbroken chain for 4 billion years, small penises and everything. Chances are it'll work out. There are guys that are into midgets (I don't know why, but I've seen it in the Intertubes); maybe there are women into midget-sized members. Here's a nice story that might perk you up.

    "The little dick that could"
    http://www.vogue.com/872733/does-size-matter-encounters-with-a-less-endowed-partner/

    -LCC
     
  4. LudgerKresnik

    LudgerKresnik Member

    Sorry for the late reply, my mother just got admitted for chemo and things have been abit hectic at the moment and i think your right its 100% paranoia but i just cant shake it out of my head, it really is on my mind every time i approach a girl and things are hitting off i all of a sudden i get really nervous and end up self sabotaging some how. I will look into counciling but in the mean time i think i will look for a job soon because i can't let me mother die in the house we live in now, the living conditions are so bad i found more peace staying with her in the hospital then back at home now. Thanks for your reply btw i truly appreciate the advice and LCC i hope that story is true, it certainly did raise my hopes up!
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I hope you are able to find employment and a more comfortable place for mother. I do believe you can get past this and once you do it will just be a blip in your history. Hope you keep checking in here and talking to us as well.

    - Ben
     
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