A friend of mine posted a meme the other day and tagged me, it was of a little girl saying 'I feel really, really happy right now...I wonder what will fuck me up next'. Although I chuckled it is kind of how I experience life, except I have not felt really happy in years. But things can be going well, or at least not badly and I allow myself to look at the future and think of positive things and feel a little bit hopeful then something devastating happens. I felt like this at New Year's then on the 5th of January one of my kitties suddenly died, no idea what even from and only 8. My kitties are my reasons to live and is like losing a child to me, I can't stop crying about it. Since then it feels like things are snowballing, 5 other kitty illnesses, all unrelated, with my current sick baby, my eldest, 17, really unwell, am so worried about her and terrified of losing her. I feel like I live at the vets! This year I am meant to be moving house, I know people say it i stressful but I had no idea how much and that it could all still fall through, my anxiety is through the roof. I was recently sexually assaulted by a neighbour and am scared to even go out, though I have to to work. I have been single for two years now and am so sick of i, being alone all the time. I have a couple of friends but you know how it is not the same, being nearly 40 and single really sucks. Then my car got towed from a place we have always been allowed to park, they put up a tiny temporary sign, so more money to pay out, thought was stolen so was very stressful. Then a bailiff turned up at my door! People I pay charges to for my business have miscalculated the amount, I have chased them up about it to work out the right amount, last they said was it is all fine and they are sorting it, then a bailiff turns up saying I owe them 1250 Euros, so they still have not sorted it or told the people who collect the money so now have to try to sort that. Stupid things like the parcel man has left a parcel at the shop where I got assaulted, have not been back since and now have to go knowing the man is always there at the cafe and then kids kicked a football hitting my shoulder while carrying sick kitty in a box. Stupid problems at work with boilers and internet not working etc and people making it hard for me to sort out. It just feels like some really, traumatic big things mixed with lots of little things are making me feel like I am hanging on by a thread and just waiting for the next thing to fuck me over. I feel like I would rather die than deal with facing any of it. But I have my kitties, who I saved and could not leave so they save me from suicide too. But then I feel trapped here. The main thing keeping me going is moving but if I lose the place, it is in an area where it could be years until something in my budget and I am scared to stay in this neighbourhood now as the harassment is almost every day, the men here have no respect for women. It's all just too much and feels like I am going to explode.