Life just feels too much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Atompilz, Apr 3, 2016.

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  1. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    A friend of mine posted a meme the other day and tagged me, it was of a little girl saying 'I feel really, really happy right now...I wonder what will fuck me up next'. Although I chuckled it is kind of how I experience life, except I have not felt really happy in years. But things can be going well, or at least not badly and I allow myself to look at the future and think of positive things and feel a little bit hopeful then something devastating happens.
    I felt like this at New Year's then on the 5th of January one of my kitties suddenly died, no idea what even from and only 8. My kitties are my reasons to live and is like losing a child to me, I can't stop crying about it. Since then it feels like things are snowballing, 5 other kitty illnesses, all unrelated, with my current sick baby, my eldest, 17, really unwell, am so worried about her and terrified of losing her. I feel like I live at the vets! This year I am meant to be moving house, I know people say it i stressful but I had no idea how much and that it could all still fall through, my anxiety is through the roof.
    I was recently sexually assaulted by a neighbour and am scared to even go out, though I have to to work. I have been single for two years now and am so sick of i, being alone all the time. I have a couple of friends but you know how it is not the same, being nearly 40 and single really sucks. Then my car got towed from a place we have always been allowed to park, they put up a tiny temporary sign, so more money to pay out, thought was stolen so was very stressful. Then a bailiff turned up at my door! People I pay charges to for my business have miscalculated the amount, I have chased them up about it to work out the right amount, last they said was it is all fine and they are sorting it, then a bailiff turns up saying I owe them 1250 Euros, so they still have not sorted it or told the people who collect the money so now have to try to sort that. Stupid things like the parcel man has left a parcel at the shop where I got assaulted, have not been back since and now have to go knowing the man is always there at the cafe and then kids kicked a football hitting my shoulder while carrying sick kitty in a box. Stupid problems at work with boilers and internet not working etc and people making it hard for me to sort out.
    It just feels like some really, traumatic big things mixed with lots of little things are making me feel like I am hanging on by a thread and just waiting for the next thing to fuck me over. I feel like I would rather die than deal with facing any of it. But I have my kitties, who I saved and could not leave so they save me from suicide too. But then I feel trapped here. The main thing keeping me going is moving but if I lose the place, it is in an area where it could be years until something in my budget and I am scared to stay in this neighbourhood now as the harassment is almost every day, the men here have no respect for women. It's all just too much and feels like I am going to explode.
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through this past while. It does appear that life seems to kick you when you're down, no idea why this is but I've experienced similar periods myself. I hope that your kitty's recover and get well and that you're able to get away from that area you live in. I don't know why people are so evil, it's seems to have gotten worse these last years. I wish I could say more to encourage you, just wanted you to know that I care and I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers for you. Take care for yourself.
    Brian
     
  3. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Thank you. It really does seem to have gotten worse, you are right. I don't understand people, I just want to get by through life with few problems while others seem to thrive on creating problems for others or making other peoples lives miserable, they even go out of their way to do it. It starts to become a shock when you see someone helping someone for nothing and becomes normal to see fights, people spitting inside buildings, even in the lift and off the balconies, people ignoring you when you say hello or worse being rude or harassing you verbally and even physically. This place has changed a lot over the 13 years I have lived here and I cannot wait to leave!
     
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  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I totally understand what you mean. I grew up in a small town in Scotland and people were so different then, I'm 64 now and people were definetly a lot more caring and kind back then. I was always raised to help others and show respect, sadly this no longer seems to be the way. Personally, I will never change and continue to help others where I can, even with an encouraging word it makes a difference. Life is difficult enough, without causing others pain. The whole world needs to have an awakening of kindness. I love animals and spend most of my time with my dog, she gives unconditional love, humans could learn a lot from our four footed friends. I know you're a good person just by the fact you look after so many kitties. I do hope all goes well for you and the place you move to is peaceful and safe. Bless you.
    Brian
     
  5. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    That's lovely thank you. I often think animal lovers are always nice people. I have always said I was born in the wrong time, the place I am hoping to move to is a little medieval village of just 1,500 people, mostly over 40, some were born there so it is very safe and quiet and very much like going back in time to when people go for walks and just stop to chat and always have something nice to say, everyone knows everyone and help each other out. It is like a different world, one which I have been craving more and more over the years. I am hoping this escape and safety will really help my mental health, it at least gets rid of one of my biggest problems with the harassment and the mountain air will be healthy too :)
     
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  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    That sounds like the perfect place to live, I'm happy for you :)
     
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  7. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Crying is so exhausting, it hurts so much. I look at couples and wish I had that, I know people who love life so much they want to live forever, that they are terrified of their perfect lives ending, my sister is one of them, she has never known depression and just thinks everything is rosie. Her life is so different to mine, I often wonder why it was me who suffered rape, violence, cheating and has ended up alone. Neither of us can imagine the other's life. Though sometimes I think that if you have everything, husband, kids, career, big house, the next life changing thing will likely be something bad, like losing a spouse. Life is so much easier to deal with when you have a nice partner, support for each other. I can enjoy being alone, I am used to it, not having to consider someone else but actually I just want to be with someone, someone kind, honest and gentle, it is not asking much but it feels like it is impossible to find, anyone like that is already with someone.
     
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am saddened by your post. You not doubt suffered a lot in your life but there is way you can find love. It will take time but please stay strong. You will find love but it's a matter of building a relationship and finding someone who you can trust. I know you are hurting but stay please stay strong.
     
  9. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Yes Atompilz, it's difficult to be alone, but it's also difficult with a partner. I lost my first wife to breast cancer when she was in her late 20's, my second wife had an affair while I was working nightshift which ended in a bad divorce and almost bankrupted me. I don't know what it's all about really, why we go through certain things and others seem to breeze through life with minimal problems. I do know that suffering has made me more compassionate and empathic to others, somethings you can't learn from books but only through actual experience. But you're still young and have time. I hope your dreams manifest and you find true happiness.
    Brian
     
  10. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry to hear about all that has happened, it sounds like you've been through a lot these past months.

    Have you reported your neighbour for what he did to you? It was a horrific thing to do, and it has clearly had a big impact on you.
    And what about you, are you considering any therapy or counseling to help you through it? Sexual harassment can really take it's toll on you, and I think you know that too. You need to be helped move past this so you can go outside again without the fear.

    Please take good care of yourself hun, you're worth it.
    And I hope your kitties will be okay, it's good you have them in your life!
     
  11. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. I feel chirpier today as kitty had good results, blood tests showed nothing wrong so is just dehydrated from the cold, she is at the vets getting fluids over night. At 17 the vet says she has the blood results of a young cat so that is such a relief. Just need to get her eating ok then she can come home.

    With the sexual assault I did go to the police and they sent me to another station that deals with it but I lost my nerve and never went. Aside from him the rest of the men here are the main reason I hate going out, the harassment is constant and daily, the only time I did not get it was when my ex lived with me, since then it has been hell. My vets and vet nurses in the road next door have all moved out of the city to get away from it and have to drive each other to their cars as both have had stalkers and even men waiting for them by their cars knowing when they finish. They are both young and blonde and say they can no longer use public transport here as it is unbearable. For me at nearly 40 it is bad so I can only imagine how much worse it is for young blonde women. Without being too specific it is basically like a milder version of Cologne station NYE but not focused in one area, all over Nice, in all areas, nowhere is safe here now. You can literally be walking along in broad daylight, see one or more men coming towards you and know that if nobody else is around they are at least going to say something, or worse, get physical, or verbally aggressive and even physically violent or spitting at you if you turn down their advances. It is unbelievable and 13 years ago, I would never have believed it if someone had told me. The only way to go outside and feel safe here now is with a male companion, which I no longer have, this should really not be the way things are in a developed western country and city. The countryside is fine, is where I am moving to but it makes me sad as I loved this city when I arrived.
    I don't take meds as they have never had any effect and I found a therapist and was about to start with her when she suddenly had to move and have not found another.
     
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