Life left in ruins

[Shush]

I was molested almost 40 years ago by my teacher. I had no conscious memory of this until about 7 years ago. Looking back though - I can see how even the subconscious awareness impacted my life. Never dated, never had casual hook-ups. Never done any basic woman’s health care. Life has passed me by and I don’t see it getting any better - despite regular therapy. The flashbacks and triggers are just getting worse - and I know that is to be expected but I had hoped for some relief by now. At this point I am just tired of my existence and don’t have much hope for any future improvements. If this is as good as it gets, then I’ve had enough and don’t care if I live longer..
I don’t actively harm or try to kill myself because it would upset my mom. I am her primary emotional and social support. I love my nieces, but they are getting older and don’t really need me. In fact, I would likely be a burden or obligation to them if I live into old age.

Recently my doctor has ordered some women’s health tests. I am not afraid of the tests themselves, but more the trauma flashbacks and reactions. And even if the tests showed something life threatening, I’m not sure I would agree to treatment. Just not share the diagnosis with my extended family and just live out my days quietly. So is it really worth it to get the tests done? Is it suicide if I don’t actively harm myself, I just don’t take care of any (possible) health issues?

 

[full]

Trauma is very hard. I have PTSD from a few events in my life and can relate how body remembers everything and no matter how much therapy we do it does not want to go away. And what they say that body completely changes every seven years is not true, because by now those memories would have been gone but they stick out they horrible heads out often.

Since I got an event and subsequent trauma from not taking care of my health, I advise everybody to take care of their health because somewhere in between the trauma, our memoeries and everything that is going one light sometimes shine.

 

[Shush]

Thanks Full
Since the appointments are booked, the reliable, dependable, people pleasing part of me will force me to go. But is it worth it? If I wouldn’t accept treatment, what good does knowing do?

 

[full]

If you don't accept treatment than you are at peace with your decision. Do you know what is wrong and what the treatment is? I mean, I was okay with my own condition for two years suffering because I thought I've lived what I wanted to live so far and did not care if I die. But when I was offered a chance to peacefully and painfully die, I still called an ambulance because it appears I cared for those closest to me and how it would hurt them if they had to bury me.

 

[Shush]

right now these are baseline tests. But ultimately looking for cancer. Very good chance I don’t have it. So it is not a big concern. Just more of me wanting to avoid the trauma related discomfort of testing. A quick xray or cat scan where I can keep all my clothes on and no one is poking or prodding at me would be ok with me. That is not the case with the tests that have been ordered.

 

[full]

right now these are baseline tests. But ultimately looking for cancer. Very good chance I don’t have it. So it is not a big concern. Just more of me wanting to avoid the trauma related discomfort of testing. A quick xray or cat scan where I can keep all my clothes on and no one is poking or prodding at me would be ok with me. That is not the case with the tests that have been ordered.

That is very tough, I wish tests were less invasive. I am sorry it is triggering and if you decide to do them I am rooting for you, wishing you good luck.

 

[MisterBGone]

Recently my doctor has ordered some women’s health tests. I am not afraid of the tests themselves, but more the trauma flashbacks and reactions.

It may be possible to let them know up front, and beforehand, about your past (don't have to give details) & they may be able to take that in to consideration, or keep it in mind while performing the tests? And also, perhaps the dr. can give you some additional medications to help you to be & remain calm, and relaxed, and to perhaps feel things just a bit less? Anyway, sorry to hear of all of this and hoping only the best for all of your future outcomes & such. Good luck!

 

[MisterBGone]

And I was listening to, I think it was an ultrasound tech (not sure if you'd be seeing one of those?). . . but she was saying something to the effect that, when she has patients with trauma from their past such as relating to yours, she will offer to have them handle the thing that is used in the testing if that would be their preference (sorry if I'm wording it poorly, or inappropriately, I'm too stupid to do so otherwise, believe me!).

 

[Ash600]

Hey there @Shush that's such a difficult situation to be in. I do agree with what @full has said and can also understand from where you're coming from. Key to this would naturally be communicating with the medic(s) so they can have some idea from where you're coming from. Of course how much or how little you tell them is obviously up to you. Those performing such tests woud presumably be aware of the possibilities of encountering patients in situations such as yours and would therefore be able to make allowances by trying to make you feel in control and as comfortable as possible whilst they carry out the tests.

Best wishes and take care

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you've gone through so much Shush

Life has passed me by and I don’t see it getting any better - despite regular therapy. The flashbacks and triggers are just getting worse - and I know that is to be expected but I had hoped for some relief by now. At this point I am just tired of my existence and don’t have much hope for any future improvements

Meds and therapy are the typical treatments that people get, but there are other treatments that you could try. I could say more about this if you're interested.

Recently my doctor has ordered some women’s health tests.

Would you feel comfortable talking to your doctor about the potential for trauma related to the tests? Or would you be ok with your therapist talking to your doctor?

Is it suicide if I don’t actively harm myself, I just don’t take care of any (possible) health issues?

Yes, it's suicide through neglect.

 

[UrbanRose]

Not being pro-active in getting diagnostic tests done doesn't quite rise to the level of suicide, IMHO. But that gets to be a matter of how you want to define suicidal behavior. Is a person who smokes cigarrettes commiting suicide?

I think you have every right to avoid testing that you would find distressing. It may mean you take on a health risk, but we're all going to die of something some day.

While maximizing how long you live may not be your goal, you probably want to feel as good as you can, while you are alive. That's an aspect I would consider. If you are having any symptoms that impact your current quality of life, then the testing might seem more justifiable.

You might also want to take a deeper look at what is making death seem like a good option to you. Sounds like you are depressed. Looking at your past is a good start to exploring why you feel so unhappy. Also, ask yourself what is going on (or not going on) in your life today that could be adding to your unhappiness. The past can't be changed, not even a little bit, as you realize yourself. Do you presently have satisfying friendships? If not, then the bad experience of abuse is not your only problem. There may be other issues that you can do something about.