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life story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mad_world, Jan 18, 2008.

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  1. Mad_world

    Mad_world New Member

    well this is going to be my first and last post here I just feel like venting some of my anger and feelings before im gone. ive been severely depressed for what seems like my entire life and nothing seems to change. this is going to be a long post and you probably wont want to read it all its going to encompass my view on life and how I ended up this way because I think things could have been better in another time or place just not here and not now

    I was born to a crack head mother and a worthless father, living in the "ghetto" of a fairly nice northern California suburb. my father was abusive to my mother and to her kids. at this time she had 4 kids by 3 different men. My early childhood was moving from one shitty hotel to crashing at some tweakers house. my sperm donor was in and out of my early childhood, more out than in.

    when I was 8 I was placed in foster care when my mother was caught with some needles, scales and heroin. I moved from group home to group home for the next few years. never staying in one place more than 6 months. I was really aggressive and could never seem to stay in one place but my brother and 2 sisters all ended up together in a pretty nice house where they stayed for the entire 4 years of our time in foster care. I think I still hold some resentment towards them for having it off so much better than me.

    my mom cleaned up after 4 years of legal issues and I finally got to move in with strangers that I got to see for 45mins week during our weekly visitation. My mom had hooked up with a new a guy got pregnant and ended up marrying him shortly after returning home. for the first time in my life I had an actual family and im guessing this was the happiest time in my life, and if I had to take a guess this is probably when I started to get depressed. my mom and my stepdad had yet another child. I think this is when my dad ended up in prison for felony possession of narcotics. my brother and sisters dads all had there problems but still made efforts to be there for them. my 2 sisters dad was an alcholic and my brothers dad was really violent at times(he's gotten a lot better and would be the closest thing I have ever had to a dad including my own stepfather) my sisters dad passed away due to crisosis of the liver.

    I got hooked on books in some of the group homes I lived in, so it made it really easy for me to catch up and was actually skipped the 4th grade. which put me where I was supposed to be anyways.

    I still lived in this "ghetto" and I think my mom was afraid she didnt want her kids to end up how she did so I was kept pretty distanced from any friends or really outside contact.

    financially things got better and we moved out of the "ghetto" and into the nice suburb, where I went to high school with the sons and daughters of rich doctors and lawyers. I started smoking marijuana in the seventh grade and this was a gold mine. all through high school I was slinging marijuana left and right these kids had too much money. I was an upstanding student with a 3.7 GPA. But i always distanced myself from anyone that could have been a close friend of mine. I was always categorized as the "loner" I never let anyone get close to me, even the few girlfriends I had were just really for looks. to go to parties with go to formal dances at the school or whatever but I never got attached to any of them. If I got dumped it was like Oh well doesnt matter. I scored a 1070 on my SATs and was planning on going to san diego state after my senior year. But nothing ever seems to go right for me and my car was searched on school campus and the cops found about 75 grams of marijuana and I was expelled. This is when I started to get severely depressed and this was my first time attempting suicide. I swolled a whole bottle of sleeping pills hoping never to wake up again. but in the middle of the night I guess I threw the pills up. not a good way to wake up.

    Home life wasnt much better. My stepfather obviously had his favorites and I was on the bottom of his totem pole. corrupting the innocent minds of his two perfect little daughters and the other kids too. and I hardly knew my mom she has a lot of medical problems and as soon as she got home from work she'd be in bed or too pissed off to even talk too, but she found time when I got caught up in that mess at school. I ended up taking my GED and passing easily but its not the same as getting to walk across the stage with people who you'd spent the last 4 years with. this is about the time that I met the only girl that ever really meant anything to me. the first real love of my life we had been dating for the whole summer after my senior year and she was driving home drunk one night and ended up hitting a tree she's not dead but she's been in a coma for the past year and the doctors dont think she's going to come out of it.

    I can't go to san diego state now that I got expelled so im forced to spend another 2 years at home trying to get my AA and then transfer. but by this time Im so depressed I dont know how everyone around me doesnt know. I skip classes I just dont care what happens to me at this point. I start snorting blow, and everything just gets worse. I end up barely passing my first semester of community college which really just makes things worse. I know I can do better and I beat myself up for it. the next semester is even worse I end up only passing 2 of my classes and failing the other two. my parents find out about my addiction to coke and kick me out of there house. In the summer i sign up for rehab and ive been coke free for the past 5 months. after I finished the rehab my parents let me come back and stay with them while I finish out my last year at this community college. last semester went well passed all my classes with the highest marks Ive gotten yet.

    (to be continued- my mouse is screwed up and I need to restart my computer before I can finish)
  2. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i feel for you, and you deserve so much better, because you seem like a wonderful pperson, just made some not so good choices, which believe me, ive done recently as well. as a matter of fact, i had a 7500 dollar credit card, that i could have used on anything, but i felt like my parents wouldnt let me really do anything i wanted to do, or let me spend it where i wanted to. so what do i do? i go buy things on ebay at max it out, forcing me to work so i had no money for college this semester, and i feel like im in a hole right now, because im barely sqeezing, and haing a very hard time. another dumb desicion ive made is the first time i went to japan i never said anything to anyone and told them the day before i left, we argued and fought all day, and i caused my parents such trouble, i dont think i can say it without throwing up. honestly, the only reason im still alive is because i dont have the courage to fall through with suicide, or maybe i do. ive always been a very weak person, and im couldnt be more sorry for what ive done in the past. ive thought about it, over and over, day by day, of how i would kill myself, and honestly i would love to do, some days more so than others. just know ive f*****d up in my life, so youre not alone, and theres nothing on the other side of the grass for me. but you have a girfriend, who is only in a coma, but she can still feel your love, she knows when your holding her hand, and i know she loves you. and falling in love can completely change someone, believe me. you need to hang on for your girlfriend, because i dont believe the doctors and what they told you. she will wake up, and dont think she cant feel youre there, because she can, and i know she loves you with all of her heart. please hang on for her, please.PLEASE..hang on, if by a finger for love.
  3. Mad_world

    Mad_world New Member

    I might finally have my life on the right track once again but I just cant help feeling that there is no point to this life. I feel that im distanced from everyone no one knows me I barely talk even to my closest friends. I keep the topic as far away from myself as possible, and I think this really limits the intimacy I can have with any of my friends.

    I think this stems from my fear of abandonment ive had a lot of time to look back on my life and think why am I the way I am? and this is probably the biggest factor I could come up with. My mother spent 3 years after I was put in a group home tweaking with her friends instead of sobering up to get her children, I never asked to be here and when I was forced into this world I kind of got shoved into a corner and left until she got done doing "her thing". my father was a joke and the stepfather I have now isnt much better. I'd rather go without then ask him for anything. actually i'd rather go without than ask anyone for anything. The moving around while I was in group homes also has to add to my fear of abandonment as soon as I got comfortable where I was at I'd be uprooted and placed somewhere else with a whole new group of kids.

    I dream dreams of grandeur and there is no possible way for me to live up to what I dream. so I feel like a failure even if I do good by other peoples standards they arent good enough for myself, and this perpetual state of failing has made me loose any self esteem I might have had left.

    I think my childhood was wasted I spent my teen years constantly stoned and my younger years well you read about them enough. I just want to be a child again. a child without a care in the world what a wonderful life that would be but alas thats never going to happen so im stuck here thinking what if.

    Ive tried to cut my wrists and hang myself a number of times but I can never go through with it I dunno why but when it comes down to that final hour I grasp for a hope that things will get better but as I put off the inevitable nothing seems to change. my family. my friends. my thoughts. my feelings. all the same as the night before.

    I set here crying as I type this crying more than ive cried in for as long as I can remeber Ive always kept my emotions bundled up inside of me eating away at what soul I have left I know thats the exact opposite of what your supposed to do but I'd hate to come off as some whiney crybaby. and I wasn't even going to post here because of the same exact reason. I feel that I should have a lot to be thankful for ive never been physically abused ive always had a place to sleep and something to eat so there are so many more people that have it worse off than me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2008
  4. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    MadWorld. Welcome to SF. You will find a lot of support and advice here.
    I read your life story with deep emotions. You are really strong person to get through such horrors at young age. Please give yourself lots of credit for getting to where you are now despite one obstacle after another.
    Just reading post, I can sense you are an extraordinary guy with intelligence, tenacity, willpower, and amazing belief in yourself. What you went through was terrible, let alone at young age. But you were able to make this far. That displays the type of person you are.
    Regarding education, please don't think your life is over because you got GED. Actually, there are quite number of smart people who went for GED to graduate early and move ahead. You can go to college with GED as you can with regular diploma. No reason to feel ashamed about that.
    There are many highly successful people who had to go to community college first before transferring to 4-year university due to finance, academics, or other reasons. You still have lots of options open. You can do well and transfer to 4-year university you want.
    Even if you get to so so 4-year university, you can do well there and go to top grad school you want to go. Employers value more on grad school than college.
    My final point. At your age, a whole life is ahead of you. Sure, you made a few bad mistakes. But considering what you had to endure growing up, I am amazed you made so little mishaps. Moreover, no one is free of mistakes. Remeber, it is not a mistake unless you make it twice. The lesson you learned from your mistakes will serve as a great foundation for your future success.
    You are determined, resolved, and talented individual that this world needs. Please keep fighting this war called "life" every day like it is your last.
    Take care and keep posting here.

  5. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Hi again, MadWorld. This may sound like preaching but I strongly believe everyone was born with his/her purpose to fulfill in this world. And we have to constantly strive and work hard to achieve whatever our purpose/goals/ambition may be.
    There is definitely a point in life. As brutal as life may be, life still offers joys, happiness and beauty of life. Work for your dream career so you can live in nice and comfortable setting. Live for the woman you want to marry and make love to. Live for the offsprings you want to raise in this world. Work hard so you have money to travel all over the world, play golf or do so many cool things life offers.
    Regarding your fear of abandonment, it is not gonna go away easily as it is rooted inside you. I strongly encourage you to try cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and possibly anti-depressants at the same time. You can find more information when you go to counseling center at your college. At college, therapy is free and anti-depressants are very cheap with student insurance.
    Cutting is a terribly addictive coping method that does no good. Please stay away from it and utilize healthy coping methods such as playing sports, cooking your favorite meal, going out with friends, writing journals, etc...
    We can't change the past. We can only learn from it and use it to our advantages. But you have chance to change your future if you do what it takes to accomplish your goals at present time.
    Life is truly what you make of it.
    Keep fighting, brother.

  6. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Hey mate. Sounds very rough. I too have always had HUGE expectations on myself, grandiose I would say definitely. Not living up to them is crushing. If you need to chat about anything feel free..
  7. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    I don't have much idea about the undergrad universities in USA but I'm applying to some universities in USA for my post graduate education(Masters in Computer Science). From what I know, college reputation doesn't really matter much during job interviews. What really matters is your skills in a particular field. Also, sometimes when you are in a so-so type of school it can motivate you to reach bigger goals whereas peopel tend to become complacent in top schools. I went to a "good" school here in my country and the people that I encountered over there destroyed my life. I have known people who went to really low profile Grad schools(eg: Western Kentucky university) on an F-1 visa but they worked hard and now they are well settled over there with permanent citizenship whereas there were some who went to top schools like Rutgers, San Jose, Drexel, University of Pennsylvania, Virginia Tech, Stony brooke and yet they had to come back after their student visa expired..simply because their skills were not good enough to get them a job.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2008
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