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Life sucks again....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ferret, Dec 27, 2009.

  1. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I'm writing this thread because I have no one to talk to and rather keep all this inside I need to write it somewhere, anywhere.

    Agree or disagree with it if you want. But the end result is sooner or later I'm going to find or do something to take the pain away. I'm tired of being in this life and living it miserably. Someone else can make good use of my spiritual energy. Truth is I long for another relationship. I don't care if it's a girlfriend or close friend. But I want a friend who's a girl, and who's affectionate. My ex needs to die in my mind, because sooner or later I'll go insane thinking about her and I will hang myself. Still look at her facebook picture even though I'm blocked from her profile, I can still see it. It's hard not to. I know you say I'll never be able to move on if I keep doing it, but I don't have anyone else to think about, not anyone in that context. The closest friend I had left me because she couldn't handle me being depressed and having suicidal thoughts. Tried to send her flowers on her birthday 6 months ago. Two weeks ago I emailed her again to try to mend things, but nothing happened. Tried to start dating again but there's no one around here to date. Tried the whole speed dating thing, but my match didn't email back. Still alone :(. I took up exercising and had a trainer at the gym. I lost quite a bit of weight and am really in shape, but that doesn't seem to help me with anything. Women still look at me like I'm a retard. Sank into depression after my ex splitting. Decided on a new career, and went back to school. Since I've finished school, which is only a month ago, I've had no luck in finding work. This sinks my self-worth even lower. Signed up to see a career counselor so I could get help with my resume. While there I met someone who I haven't seen or talked to in years. We ended our friendship on bad terms. We met in college, and I really liked her. She was interested in someone else though, and I got rejected numerous times before I became angrier and angrier. Some things were said and we never spoke again. She still hugged me though like nothing happened. I feel like I'm being judged. I walked in there surrounded in my present situation of being worthless to society. She's happy with her still together bf/house/dog and I'm in debt/no job/no money. Someone is judging me. Moved out of my apartment cause I could no longer afford rent. Now in my parent's house where my self worth has hit rock bottom. I want to love again but I don't know what love is anymore and therefore won't try anything. My sister died of cancer last year so as far as me doing anything to myself, I'll disrespect her and I'll be a disgrace to the rest of the family. This pretty much only adds to the rest of the shit that's been happening with me. I'm an ongoing volunteer (habitat for humanity, community center for homeless/troubled youth). I love it but it really hasn't allowed me to meet anyone. I'm in a black hole. What's a person to do who is so miserable but can't kill himself? I don't feel like living this life anymore. I think I've tried hard enough to be wanted, but it's not working. I hate the world and the world hates me.

    Often I wish I hadn't been born.
  2. Disappear

    Disappear Well-Known Member

    Hey there :)
    I must say you need a congratulations for trying so hard. That's something not many people have the drive to do. But you did, you went back to study, that's great and it's often hard finding jobs, im sure one will eventually pop up. and in time you could move out of your parents, make you feel a bit better, seems like you feel like you're a burden on them. And just because you dont have a job or go to the job coulsellor doesnt make you a burden on society or useless. I mean you volunteer, sounds like you do great work there. You're just heartbroken then all these other things came crashing down. I can only see things getting better for you though. If you are lonely I'd like to chat with you if you want?