Life Turned Upside-Down In One Fell Swoop...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by myownsummer, Jun 25, 2009.

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  1. myownsummer

    myownsummer New Member

    Hi everyone at SF, I really have no one to talk to about my true feelings, so I decided I'd get everything off my chest here, for it seems to be the best place.

    Last night my girlfriend of 1 year (our anniversary was Saturday) decided to end our relationship. She had previously mentioned to me that I was changing, and I wasn't the same person she fell in love with. Her reason for the break up was because 'we are both changing, but in different ways.' She's currently in rehab for alcoholism, because she had two seizures - one from alcohol withdrawal (at least that's what they thought) and the other from benzo withdrawal (which she was prescribed to get over the alcohol withdrawal). I was right there for here every single second, hell, after her second seizure I fell in love with her all over again, I felt like I had a new lease on life. But now that's all changed. I went from feeling optimistic for the first time, to feeling the worse I've ever felt in my entire life.

    She wasn't just my girlfriend, but my best friend and roommate. She says she's still here for me and that I'm still welcome to stay at the apartment once college starts back up in the fall, but being around her is just going to make me feel worse. You see, I've been living with severe depression, anxiety, insomnia, and bipolar disorder for as long as I can remember. I take a number of medications to keep me as sane as anything possibly can, but no drug is going to help me through this. My mother has confiscated my pills, well at least the ones she knows about, and those pills were going to be my way out of this world.

    I told my mom today that I wanted to commit suicide. I told her that with my girlfriend gone the future seems bleak, and growing up is my biggest fear. I feel like I'm not going to do anything important with my life, and that I'm not meant for this world. I've been through this before with my last girlfriend but it was no where near as bad as this is. I've tried everything I can do to get my ex to take me back but her mind is made up, and I can't live like this any longer.

    My mom is going to call my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I think I might try therapy, but I highly doubt that it will do any good for me. As much as I'd like to end my life I always never end up going through with it, just because I don't want to do that to my family and friends (very few I might add). But I can't tell them exactly how I feel, they don't understand, they just say 'you don't need to let something like this bring you down' and that 'I'm strong enough to overcome committing suicide,' but the truth is I'm not. I don't want to talk to any of my friends about all this, because for one I hide my emotions, and two I'm not close enough to them anymore to divulge such information. Last year my best friend at the time helped me to overcome my suicidal thoughts, but now I have no one.

    I don't want to fall in love again, I don't want my heart broken again, I don't want to have another panic attack, I don't want my parents to suffer, and I don't want to suffer either. I'm sick of this world and I just want out. I wish it was that easy for me. I need help, but I don't know who to turn to, and I'm too shy to do that myself, I'm too scared to seek help and/or treatment. I'm just scared of everything, especially now that my parents have me on suicide watch. To tell you the truth I don't know what I'm going to do, but if I am going to do anything it'll be very soon, whether that be to choose life, or choose death. It's all resting on my shoulders and it's getting too heavy to carry by myself. I just want out.
  2. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Don't do anything just yet. There is no deadline for committing suicide. Wait another day, get some rest tonight, wake up tomorrow morning and see how you feel and what state your mind is in. And just take it from there. We can't predict the future so why not wait another day, do it day by day if you have to. You don't have to envision the future right now, heck forget about the future right now, just get some rest to make it through the night.
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Right now you're in a bad place, but take some time to calm down, to think everything through and realise that, whilst it's bad now, it'll get better. Just give it time and don't act now, you'll regret it later :hug:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You don't have to carry this burden by yourself. Come here anytime to talk I know you feel heartbroken but your friend is right. She needs to heal herself first pay attention to herself to get herself back on the right path. Give her sometime okay she needs this. Be kind and supportive still and you will see having a friend that is well and strong will be better than having a friend plagued by addiction. Time that is all that is needed here. Remember there are people here to help you but just see your friend really needs time to heal herself first. take care
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