• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

Life would be better without me

#1
This thought has constantly echoed in my mind for as long as I can remember. Growing up I was constantly told that I ruin everything, from school clubs to workplaces. I’m currently 16 years old with zero friends, parents that constantly attack me, and a school full of people who want me dead. If I were never born everything would be better for my family and others I’ve influenced, my father would’ve been able to get his dream job of a professional baseball player if he weren’t stuck at home taking care of me when I was first born. My ex-friends would‘ve never had to worry about me coming through and accidentally starting a divide between us. And both my parents would be rich if they weren’t paying my overpriced $10,000 highschool tuition and ultimately being disappointed at how awful my grades turn out if it weren’t for me being alive. My mom told me that I had a low chance of survival when she was pregnant with me, and to be honest, I wish I didn’t survive, and end up ruining our family. Life would be better without me.
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#4
Yes, they have. And so have most other people I’ve interacted with.
Yikes, sounds like you're living in hell. Is there anyone that cares about you or at least someone you can talk to (school councilor, therapist, etc)? Are you on any meds?
 
#5
I am on anti depressants, and I have talked to therapists, it doesn’t do anything for me. The thought of them being payed just to hear me whine just hurts me, despite them being trained for it. I have no idea why I feel like this
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#6
I am on anti depressants, and I have talked to therapists, it doesn’t do anything for me. The thought of them being payed just to hear me whine just hurts me, despite them being trained for it. I have no idea why I feel like this
You'll need a lot of strength and motivation to go through having no one that wants you to even survive in your life. When you survive this, you'll have become incredibly strong. It may not feel it or look it, but you will have surpassed a challenge that very few can handle.

If there is no one to rely on IRL, you can at least lean on us here on the forum. We are real people, imagine us as real. Guess what we look like, sound like, and so on. Now, I barely know anything about your life, so it's difficult to give advice that doesn't have the risk of making everything worse.

What are your current plans when it comes to your family/education/future income and so on? Do you have welfare or any support from the government where you live?
 
#7
I don’t really have plans other than my past, present, and future suicide attempts. My only other plan is to just move out as fast as possible and go to some crappy college in North Carolina. Unfortunately about that last question, no I don’t. I live in a very far right area.

And about that part on trying to lean on help from people in this forum. I’ll try to, but I can’t guarantee it’ll be successful in helping me
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#8
I don’t really have plans other than my past, present, and future suicide attempts. My only other plan is to just move out as fast as possible and go to some crappy college in North Carolina. Unfortunately about that last question, no I don’t. I live in a very far right area.

And about that part on trying to lean on help from people in this forum. I’ll try to, but I can’t guarantee it’ll be successful in helping me
Going to college seems like a good way to leave all of the people that want you to die and at the same time meet people that will want you to stay alive. Also giving you the ability to get a place to stay, job prospects and so on. If you survive until moving away to college, you can then start a completely new life with completely new people. You'll probably think and hear of way more options in life than the ones you know about now, too.

When are you able to move out and join a college?
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#10
I can hope move out in around 1 and a half to 2 years,
Then all that's left is to make the best of this time until you are free. Can you think of any ways to improve the relationships with those around you? Do you know why they say that you should kill yourself?
 
#13
my father would’ve been able to get his dream job of a professional baseball player if he weren’t stuck at home taking care of me when I was first born
Getting a job as a professional athlete isn't easy. He would by no means be guaranteed that if you hadn't been around. Also, plenty of pro-athletes have kids before they make it as pro's. It sounds like your dad is just using you as the scape goat for why his unrealistic fantasies never came true.

Beyond that, your parents weren't forced to have sex. You were born because of the choices they made, and they alone are responsible for that.
Telling someone that, especially telling your own child that, is really horrifying and inexcusable. Your parents are very much in the wrong.

I think things could get better for you. I could try to make some suggestions if you'd like.

Wishing you good things.
 
#14
Hi @A_x_l Sorry things are so tough for you at the moment but I’d like to think that you could build a better life for yourself so that you would be happy. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to live a long and fulfilled life. Do keep talking and sharing on here. We are here to listen and I hope it helps to give you some faith that there are people out there who care. *hugTake care and stay safe. Xx
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#15
I'm afraid in not in the kind of mood to be soothing and eloquent, so I'm just going to put this bluntly and matter-of-factly:

1) Your parents made the choice to have kids, and if it was an accident, it was their fault, so having a kid was on THEM, you are in no way responsible for any reasonable sacrifices they had to make as a result of having you, if you have a kid, you bare the consequences good and bad, that's just the way it is, they knew that going in and if they didn't, well tough shit, and if they take it out on you that's just them being bad parents.

Something my sister needed to learn, and something I figured out for myself: Bad parents are never your fault. It wasn't my fault that my dad beat me at the drop of a hat, it wasn't my sisters fault that my mum was useless and dad bullied her relentlessly, that is their fault for not being grown-up enough to bear the responsibilities and sacrifices of having kids without breaking down.

2) Unless you did something terrible like killing someone or leading a campaign to crush someone emotionally, wanting you dead makes them crap people, and it is not your fault if crap people are crap. Their overreaction makes it sound like they are at least partially to blame for any issues between you, because the people who overreact to problems are usually too unreasonable to do anything to fix the problems, they just expect the other person to make everything better for them, and that's just not fair.

3) In general, people with the self-awareness to wonder if they are the problem usually aren't the problem, they are the ones who try to fix the problems others create because they blame themselves for the problem being there in the first place (sound familiar?) Its the ones who never question their status as "good guy" who are too oblivious to know they are the problem, they immediately assume they are good and blameless and special and any problems they have must be the fault of the other guy, and they spare no time and effort letting everyone know.

If you cant step back and consider how much you contributed to a problem (something it doesn't sound like anyone around you has spent a single second doing) then you will never be able to avoid causing problems all around you and blaming others for them, and the good guys who do ask themselves the question "am I to blame?" end up taking all the responsibility to fix every problem everyone else makes, and because EVERYONE else is so confident that they are blameless the good guy ends up thinking everything is their own fault because everyone else cant be wrong.

On a side note, try looking up the Dunning-Kruger effect, it is a curious phenomenon where the least competent people tend to be most confident because they don't know enough to know they don't know enough. It is a sad fact that idiots think they are geniuses whilst smart people question their own intelligence, and that bad people think they are saints, whilst good people think they are the problem.
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#16
Sorry for the long post above, I have known too many trash-people who think they are saints and put other down, and too many true saints who are wondering whether to kill themselves to spare the trash-people's feelings. It kinda triggers me.
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#17
hey @A_x_l It's a shame you've been treated the way you have. As Dante has pointed out, you are not the problem. People can be real ugly to each other. And it seems you are surrounded by hateful people. Please don't listen to the things they say. If your birth truly cost your father his dream job or caused any other problems, that is not your fault. Your parents are the ones who chose to have sex. You didn't make them do that. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.
 
#18
Hi my friend . I know things are difficult for you right now. Your so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Remember you are important and you have a purpose. Once you are old enough to live alone and make decisions for yourself your life will be different. Hang in there and don't give up. I hope you will eventually meet good friends or go to college and grow from that experience. I was your age once I also felt like you. Believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel. Chip up. Good luck.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$50.00
Goal
$255.00
Top