Life.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by useless42, Sep 8, 2013.

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  1. useless42

    useless42 New Member

    Hello everyone. I'm an almost 30yo female, and I think you know why I'm here, so I guess I'll try to make this short. I've had suicidal feelings pretty much as long as I can remember. I've tried therapy, drugs (rx and otherwise,) alcohol, meditation, self-harm... a rainbow of things ranging from helpful to detrimental to ease my pain, numb myself, or force myself into happiness. Nothing has been effective as of yet. My problem seems to be my distaste for useless things, and my opinion of myself as a useless, and therefore unnecessary, part of society.

    What sent me into yet another spiral of intense self-loathing was finding out recently that my coworkers (some of who were only hired a few months back) are getting paid more than me. As not only an assistant manager, but also a hard, reliable and diligent worker of this establishment for 3 years, hurt would be an understatement. After being twice denied a raise, I put in my two week notice. I just can't shake the thought of "If this is what other people think I'm worth, if this is how low other people think of me when I honestly do my best, why bother to continue existing at all?" Questioning my self-worth is sort of a recurring theme in my life.

    Anyway, I'm here because as much as my head screams to me about the logistics of suicide for a repetitive failure, (hey, if your toaster never worked, you'd throw that away too, right?) my heart still clings desperately to life. I'm just hoping it does that for a reason, and that maybe someone out there can relate.
    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi welcome you to SF I would hope your employer would explain the reasoning behind why you are getting paid less. Do you have union rep that you could go and fight for you You are not useless hun you are an assistant manager you are able to work it is your employer who is wrong here don't give up your job without a fight ok hugs
     
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums. Yes, I certainly can relate to feeling knowing there's a small thread still wanting to live, and not knowing why. That's almost frustrating by itself. I got mad at myself for having the part, a very small part at the time, that wanted to live. Feel so tired, of all of it.

    Just take one day at a time, that seems to work out all right. For now. For today and tomorrow. Take care, U42. And please stick around. Writing about these things. Reading about others. It does help.
     
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