Life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by daegon, Oct 12, 2014.

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  1. daegon

    daegon Member

    I'm here again...and as much as I don't want to be, I am. The past...week, 10 days maybe - they were fine. But recently things have gotten sour once again. And I've come to realize that this..thing, this feeling inside of me will be there forever. It won't go away.

    My last suicidal tendency was yesterday. I sat down, at my desk at home, staring over my desktop monitor when I felt my vision getting blurry. I spaced out, but my eyes were open. I could hear my own thoughts of "You need to die," and "You're always going to be alone" over and over again. And for the first time in weeks, I cried. The progress I once had dissipated completely in a matter of seconds, and I'm back to square one once more. I've lost track of time a while ago, but once again, time seemed to slow as the minutes felt like hours, the hours like days, etcetera etcetera.

    For as long as I can remember, I was always the person to be relied on. I am the shoulder people go to cry on. I am an ear, an embrace, a torch in the dark for people. But when I need help, no one seems to be around. I'm all alone. I want to be left alone...but when I see people together - a couple kissing on a park bench, two best friends sharing a laugh at the coffee shop..I don't really fancy being alone. But what is there to change? Every time I space out, I look outside my window, praying to see her car pull in my driveway so we can sit on my bed and talk like we used to. To watch a movie together or share a blanket - especially now since it's getting colder here. I yearn to write one more song with her, or do one more art project, or take one more photo or even share one last talk..but what I want the most..I wish I was a better person. I wish I could say that it's not my fault she's gone and left, but it is. She isn't coming back and that's that. I wan't to die, not because she's gone, not because I've been replaced by a man of much higher calibre than I, but because I want her to rest easy and know there's nothing more I can do to hurt her. I think - no, I know, she'll be happy when my heart stops beating. And I'm okay with that. My best friend, the person I was supposed to wed, share every laugh and everything else in between with is gone for good. All I have left are some gifts which I treasure dearly from her.

    I've already checked in on the method I want to use, and I suppose success is rather high. I'm numb, so I could care less how long or painful it might be, so long as I don't wake up from it. My will and final words are just about done. Hell, I don't even know why I wrote this in the first place. I wish there was something else to say, but there isn't. I gave up on hope, and I'm no man of faith either. If I am to take my life, so be it. I accept. Such is life.
     
  2. Insomniac2012

    Insomniac2012 Member

    You aren't alone...
    But she won't be happy when your hear stops.
    I have played the scenario over and over again. They won't be as happy as you'd think.
    That's all I can say.

    You just gotta keep on chugging through this garbage.

    You gotta enjoy life for yourself. On your own.
    Live your life full and happy and fuck the haters.
    If you live and enjoy for you, you can be so much happier. :J

    I struggle to accept that statement everyday but I try so hard to live by it. It's not easy but it helps me.
     
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