Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by loafiedb, Oct 22, 2008.

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  1. loafiedb

    loafiedb New Member

    Ok well here goes, I apologize for being brutal at any point in time but obviously if a person has come this far there is a problem.

    Ok im going to start.

    Wether or not a person even wants to use their time to read this doesn't matter i wish they would but you know what its up to you

    I will start by saying "Life is a bitch and then you die" ok and before this gets taken in the wrong way. It is the truth, deal with it. thats the way things go. Sorry to say but yeah.

    Many different people see life in many different ways, but the only hones way of looking at is that we will all die sooner or later. Its a fact. Now i cant prove to any person the fact that life should be kept because it is great, because in honesty it sucks, its horrible. Not going to deny that fact at all. Im just going to tell my story and the way things are in life. maybe somebody reads it and agrees. maybe they think im the world's biggest idiot. or that im being negative it doesn't matter. just read

    My life started the day i was born, some might say that it is a scientific thing or that God created me. I dont know what the real reason is and honestly its not important. I was born as a product of a young relationship which bloomed and because of the sex between these two people i was born. My mother was very young and I was put up for adoption. I was adopted by a famlily as a baby not even a couple days old. Before you say oh im sorry to hear that, im not looking for sympathy.

    The people that adopted me were a simple South African couple who were never able to have their own children. The man was a pastor, the wive was a teacher/housewive. The love from these two people is what brought them together. Sometimes i wonder how that happend but i realize that there is no "True love" its all by chance and it just happens. Marriage is a thing that is made by humans and is never ever perfect just like everything in this world.

    The thing is these two people made a decision to be together and the word "love" is just thrown in there too make it sound good. Love is a decision by people, a belief if you will. These people adopted me, alot of time was spent deciding if they should or not, and maybe the decision was a selfish decision to make themselves feel good for "helping" a mother or the child by taking care of it. Because in honesty persons run on feeling good, wether its hearing a thank you from somebody, or just knowing you helped somebody, it depends on the person. They took care of me, they took me to church, treated me as their own, taught me the things that every person thinks is right.

    I cant tell you that it was the right thing to do because there is no right or wrong here or in life. At a young stage I started drinking with my dad, he believed it would not hurt and that it was a good thing to do. According to scientific studies it was a "wrong" idea, but science can never be 100% right. its not something you can claim as true. no matter what there is always a chance of being wrong, science, philosophy everything, we CAN ALWAYS BE WRONG!! thats the fun in life. I was a problem child, always knew i was adopted, it wasn't hidden from me, but yet they treated me as their own. Life was good as an kid, no problems besides the usual stuff.

    Then I got bad, I started drinking with my friends, doing drugs, selling drugs, treating people like stepping stones making sure I was "happy" I hurt the people that adopted me and kept using the excuse well my life sucks im adopted and screw them they dont know anything. In 2003 they decided to move to the U.S. for me and my adopted sister. It sucked I lost all my friends, life sucked. Had friends but looked over them because I was sad.

    During my time here, I just went through the motions, did everything i thought i "had to" always had in the back of my head all the "problems" in my life. I always marked things as "problems." Always had a feeling of screw the system in my head. Not because I was a rebel but because i was "hurt" During my time in a small town. I learned quickly with small amounts of people that people are replaceable. I knew people who were exactly like the people i knew at "home" and realized that we catagorize people.

    Years went by getting more and more depressed at the ways of "this stupid country" and how everybody was just working for themselves. Always became more and more depressed. until my junior year, I found a girl, one that i "loved" spent all of my time on her, stopped caring about school, tried my hardest to please her and make her love me. Senior year went by and I started skipping the "motions" and stopped going to school or even caring. I was already accepted to a college, in the thing i "wanted" to do. SO WHAT WAS the point right?

    Needless to say i began pushing my "family" away and spent more time with this girl, that i thought was my "love." I went to college, with a friend who is really negative, he had a way of making me negative too. I decided i will go home every weekend to see my "love" this worked great for a while untill she started having different feelings because she was around other guys and stuff. It doesn't really matter what the reason is, she was looking out for herself or what she felt was right. I complained always fighting saying that she spends more time with other people than me.

    Things got bad and she started telling every person i was "overprotective" and pshyco and started pushing me away. Even though I knew some of the things I had done were wrong but i was convinced that i was a "Great" person and that even though i had so much shit in my life before i turned everything around. She was lucky to have me, or at least i thought so. Well that was never the truth, i was shitty just like every person on this earth. I had done wrong things, lied, hurt people, eveything. There are others that have a worse life than me!! i dont doubt that.

    I started caring too much about dumb things, always worried about the girl cheating on me, and not actually caring about the good times we had together. We broke up after arguing about a person that she has feelings for who has a record of cheating on people and treating them badly. No guy would trust this guy with "their" girlfriend. I was the same way and argued constantly. Needless to say we were done. things were said, just like a hurt person would.

    I have spent the last 2 weeks, getting so drunk, smoking, chewing, doing drugs,everything you can even think of. Just to try and "deal" with the pain. well i wont lie it still hurts. untill i realized that things happen.

    Life sucks it really does, people will always protect themselves before any person. no matter what. because you are the only one responsible for yourself. So honestly "what is life?" i asked myself. I realized that people take care of themselves. after spending many nights sooo drunk and high and lying, driving around at 160mph seeing every possible way to end my life. Was soo close to doing it too. had every intention too.

    but i realized that life sucks, people lie, there is no real truth, and that we are all on our own. A person will lie to take care of himself. He will cheat to get the feeling of having somebody. He will hurt others to make himself feel better. I do the same thing and so does any person no matter how they think they are.

    I realized though that live is about friends, or at least the people you spend it with. This might not be the case for every person either. It doesn't matter, matter how you spend your life, but its wether you can sit back, do what you should, and stay on for the ride. I know it hurts, there is a feeling of hopelessness and thoughts of taking your own life. People have tried, people have succeeded, it doesnt matter. People feel that they cant deal with the "pain" which i can understand full well.

    Life sucks, you want to end it, i mean what is the point? the point is YOUR happiness, if you can get up in the morning and say "he im being nice to somebody" or even if you decide to help yourself. take care of yourself. You are the important thing. the rest doesnt matter. It was all put there to distract you or make you fail.

    thing is a live is worth way more than anything, maybe your life does not seem that important, but it is, if your a liar, a cheater, a good person, or a bad person, it does not matter. You are happy

    A person needs to find their happiness. in anything, if its lying then good atleast you have something that makes you happy.

    Play the game, treat it like its your last one, if there is a God or not it does not matter. You are the only person responsible for your own happiness.

    Take care of yourself, take care of others, take care of anyperson, no mwatter how much they hurt you. People make mistakes so do you it hurts but it happens. Just dont take your own life because of other people or because the "pain" is too much. Take things one day at a time, stop thinking of the past, or trying to save the present. Take care. dont do anything to yourself because i you would be telling yourself it is ok.

    Take care and believe me life sucks, but as long as you can smile, you will be ok, just believe in yourself and make youreslf hapy
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    "My life started the day i was born...."

  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Seriously, in all seriousness, thank you for the meaningful post.
  4. palmtrees

    palmtrees Well-Known Member

    This is an awesome post, co-sign all the way.
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