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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sad Rabbit, May 31, 2009.

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  1. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    There is no where I can go when I will be heard.

    Life is nothing to me, but pain, rejection and no future with change.

    I have been here before and came close to finishing it – but was stopped at the last minute and have probably done long-term damage to myself as a result.

    There is not enough room on this forum to list all the things which are pushing me this way. Needless to say – and with all honesty – there is absolutely no part or aspect of my life which is not one of misery and pain.

    I am rapidly reaching my limits.

    I have a plan – I bought a journal which I began to write for anyone who remotely cares exactly why I feel this way – I have spent years accumulating every prescription drug I can find – when I have finished and I have reached the limit of what I can tolerate – I will not make the same mistakes I did last time.

    I refuse to take this to a doctor. I have my reasons behind this. I have been there before and – as usual in my life – not a word of help was forthcoming. Uninterested.

    My life is nothing more than one bad situation leading to another.

    I am tired of this.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You'll be heard here. You can post as much as you want to, and someone will listen.

    You can PM me if you want to talk.
  3. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Thanks WildCherry, I will when I feel I can.

    Throughout my life, I have faced nothing but rejection. I have never had friends, I am in a loveless marriage, I am employed but have been systematically victimised and discriminated – but I endure it because I need the money and I cannot find other work (spent ten years trying). I have no hobbies or interest in hobbies. I have spent ridiculous amounts in trying to pursue an interest but I hit rejection from others every time. My interest wanes and I give up through boredom. Now I don’t care about anything, because I have no interest in anything (Including myself) and see interests as futile.
    I do not get birthday cards, I have never had a party, last Christmas was spent sitting on my own staring at walls – because that was all there was for me to do

    I have no family, I get no cards or calls. No one visits. On the way home from work everyday, I sit by the seaside for several hours because I don’t want to go home to my own house, because there is no reason for me to be at home.

    I have been to clubs and pubs – I have spent a fortune on so-called social clubs, but as always, I end up on my own every time. I have spent years at college and no guesses what happens. Every, every time. Without exception.

    There have been times when the stress of this life has made me physically ill. I have been to doctors, I tell them my life and not one of them want to know, or is remotely interested. Presumably I’m not worth the effort.

    I feel broken and empty. There is nothing for me now.

    Sorry for the rant, I guess I’m just venting off a little while I decide what to do next.
  4. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    That's really sad.

    I hear you. I can understand and relate to the feelings of isolation.

    Sounds like you've tried, like you've really tried. You're strong for trying. You're strong for enduring this far.

    Wish I had helpful words and I don't, but I hear you, Marshmallow.

  5. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    Your life is full of pain, clearly.

    My only advice for you is that you might want to study some profound philosophical traditions (Zen, or many others) so that you can get a greater perspective on this world. You see your own pain clearly but I would hope that you could come to the point that you can truly understand everybody's pain clearly.

    We human beings are but mere specks. If we minimize our view of ourselves then we can maximize our view of everything else in existence.
  6. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Thank you justafool for your reply.

    I believe I have spent nearly all my life looking outwards from my own. I tried to do everything to stop people perceiving as a 'bad person', sometimes at the cost of a personal sacrifice of sorts. When oppertunity comes, I do what I can to hide that which I carry within me. No one sees my pain or tears.

    This is not something new or recent, this has been my way for many, many years - so much that I don't know how to be anything else.

    But I feel I cannot do this for much longer. I have started to shut people away, I have become tired of trying to be something I am not - but at the same time, to be the person I am creates nothing but resentment and negativity from others. I have spent many a long hour looking for the reasons, but I have finally concluded there are none. That is my way in life - to live my life in this manner.

    I feel I am surrounded by walls and each time something bad happens, these walls come a little closer. Each time, what little there is in life is been ripped or slowly eroded away. At this time, there is very little left.

    I have become tired of searching for answers. I am convinced there are none to be had. I cannot look outwards to others anymore. I used to and I have come off worse every time.
  7. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I have had a little time to reflect.

    I just decided not to go to work, just sit by myself and see how much the world cares. It doesn't.

    So I finally went home and have started to get rid of what few things in this life which have amused me. I have no use for anything anymore.

    I am here sitting in an empty room deciding what my next move should be.

    I didn't realise I was that bad a person to end up like this.
  8. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    You're not. You're not, I'm not, the people who come here are not. I don't have any answers. If I did, I wouldn't be here. Or perhaps I would, I don't know. I don't know why people don't answer us when we "wait to see how much they care". I do the same thing. My answer is usually "none". But here you have people who are answering. That's something, and more than maybe some people have. Sometimes I go through the "giving it all away" part, too. I've done it many times. Sometimes that includes people as well. Sometimes just that act is enough to get whatever-it-is out of my system - like a fresh start. A clean slate. They say that you can't gain anything unless you get rid of things - make a hole. Nature can't abide a hole and will fill it up. What will you fill yours up with, when everything is gone? :console:
  9. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi Graham, sorry to hear you are feeling so bad but glad you are finding the strength to reach out to people here. I was in a very similar sort of position when I first joined the forum and have found that talking to people here has helped more than anything else. It's given me the srength to carry on and hope you can find the same. Don't give up mate. Things can improve. Best wishes.
  10. Poirot

    Poirot Guest

    Hey mate, Did I read coirrectly? your married. Have you reached out to your wife? I know you said its loveless but maybe the "in love" sense of it
  11. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    The situation with my wife is a complex one and partially the result of desperation.

    There is little between us. I wonder how many people who get married and can only invite thier mother who has dementia to thier wedding as thier entire guest list because they have no one else. No friends. No best man. No party, no presents, no cards (addressed to me).

    One of the worst days of my life.

    But I suffered it in silence, like I do everything else.

    We live in the same house, but we live seperate lives. She cares little for me.

    I have no one. She knows little of my feelings and does not bother to ask.

    If anything happened to me, it would mean nothing to her.
  12. Poirot

    Poirot Guest

    So your a loner like myself then. Its hard I know. I know its hyprocirtical of me to say but you ever though just packing your bags and going somewhere new. Go up north, people are lot different from people in hampshire thats for sure. I ave always thought but dont have the inner strrength to, but maybe you can find it?
  13. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I have already thought of leaving and its only going to create more problems than it solves.

    Things today have taken a turn for the worse. Work is becoming intolerable, I do nothing but find myself bickering with my 'wife' and I feel more dejected than ever.

    I don't know what to do next. I don't think I can stand this anymore.
  14. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I had a bad incident today whilst out shopping in the local mall. Basically I accidentally overheard a couple talking about "something which is never going to happen in my life" (Don't ask!).

    Suddenly I felt my whole universe collapse around me. It brought home how worthless my life actually is, what a hopeless failure I have been, how things are never going to change. How - for some unfathomable reason - life has kicked me as low as its possible to go.

    Problem is, its all true. I have nothing in me but anger and the hopeless question of what have I done to deserve this. I didn't ask for it - it just happened and there was nothing I could have done to stop it.

    I just feel I cant do this anymore.

    I just want the pain to stop.
  15. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I need a reason to go on, but I can't find one. Not even here.

    I think I must have done something wrong.

    I'm sorry...
  16. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Story of my life....

    No one listens,
    No one hears,
    No one is interested,
    No one cares.

    I feel cannot post here any more.

    I am sorry for starting this.

  17. Poirot

    Poirot Guest

    well i care. i just dont know what to say that can make you feel better becuase if i did i wouldnt be here. i understand alot of what your going through, i live with it everyday. going to work, no one likeing me. where good morning is the only words most people say.

    i just wish i could help you mate, you seem a nice guy. dont go, just stay and talk. people listen like i have and just becuase they havent replied doesnt mean they dont care. maybe thats part of the problem if your thinking like that.
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