Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JTemplar, Aug 9, 2009.

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  1. JTemplar

    JTemplar Member

    Found this forum trying to search for a 'pro-suicide' website, government filtering must be blocking out those sites..
    I'll post my little rant here..
    Always have been the depressed type, even with all the pills that supposedly make you happy, had just about all the kinds of crap one could have in their life, from the day I was born..physical, sexual, psychological, substance abuse.. growing up in an abusive environment, suffered more abuse at school, never completed high school due to the problems, started on my heavy smoking when I was 12, alcohol when I was 13, pills and marijuana at 14, anything to just get out of it.
    Trusted people have screwed me over, from friends to family, even bashed unconscious and deliberately made to be traumatized.
    I have not spoken to my father in many years, his actions are beyond forgivable, from his physical/psychological abuse, to him using me as a pawn (in situations I could of been killed, go figure) in his drug and money games.
    My mother I still am in contact with, was always physically abusive, turning her anger into violence against me, commonly hitting me with a broom, or whipping me with an electrical cord.
    I have worked on improving my situation in life, many times, including education, help, medications, work, exercise.. hell I have been seeing professional help since I was 5.. but their is only temporary fixes, if it did anything to help to begin with.
    I have stopped smoking for the last 8 years from over 50 ciggeretes a day, I am still fighting but vastly improved my alcohol consumption from a bottle of spirits a day, to weekly, fortnightly few drinks.
    Haven't touched marijuana in a long time, pills is more I haven't got any left and my doctors are suspicious at my consumption of panadine forte (codine 30mg), those seem to 'even' me out the most.
    I am known to most as the nice guy, friendly, outgoing, or sometimes quiet, but the reality is, I just seem to be cold, bitter and hateful, even if I don't want to be, it just happens and I don't even realize it. I find its ok to have aquitences, but when people get close, I start pushing them away.
    I have been with my partner (who also has some troubles in life) for over 4 years, they have put up with so much of my shit, and knew me at my worst of my drinking problems, I've put them through hell and back, even when I never ever wanted it, I don't realise when I do it, or understand why I do the things I do, or say.
    I have been in my current job for the last couple of years, I enjoy it, I am good at it, they have stuffed me around alot, but I kept working hard, got a promotion to a better area, promised all these things, then now its turned out for the worst..I am down to 20 hours of work a week, and probably on the end of losing my job, like alot of people in the company.
    Last Friday, my partner told me they have had enough of all the crap and feeling bad, even though they love me, they seriously considered leaving, I have spent since them trying to stop it from happening, this is like the final shove off a cliff for me, the only person who cares and loves me going because of me.
    The only thing I seem to do is screw up and have shit happen every time something seems to get better.. and being told it gets better seems to get very old when you've spent many many years trying and working on making it so.
    How do I save my relationship when I am so messed up? I have had relationships, although as I seem to attract, abusive ones, making me even worse, they are the only one I have felt something good with and actually care for me. Why do people say things get better, get help, take happy pills, talk to people, when for the last 21 years I have been doing that. Are some people just to screwed up to repair? Why do I always end up in situations/people where I go back to this abuse?

    Much more to rant about, I will finish up here, tired, even when I try sleep I wake up crying more.
  2. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    Hi jtemplar
    wow.You have been there and back.Thanks for sharing.Most of us can relate honestly.Hope you continue to share with are a survivor..and maybe don't know you own strength.Hopefully we can help you see it..and we surely appreciate you here..someone who has survived the worst and wants to keep on truckin.
    welcome :wink:
  3. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi JTemplar,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    I'm sorry to hear about what you've had to endure and what you are still experiencing.

    Abuse and neglect must be a terrible thing to have gone through but I think that you being perceived by people as friendly and "the nice guy" is something you should be very proud of. Especially considering all your difficulties.

    I don't talk about it much but I have only been in one relationship. I absolutely loved the girl I was with unconditionally and we spent six months together. Then something very horrible happened and living in a small town, word seemed to filter. I had been accused of something I didn't do and scared of the effects it was having on my girlfriend, I left her. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was later cleared but I could not save my relationship.

    I know things are tough but if other people can see you as such a nice and friendly guy then maybe you should take their advice and think of yourself like this. I know when I think negatively I think the worst of myself but it's not really always the case. For instance on this forum, people are always reminding me that I'm a good person and I'm so grateful for that.

    I know it's hard sometimes being in a relationship after a traumatic experience. However, sometimes it's best to try something different because every experience offers a new light of hope.

    Take care and I hope everything works for you because you deserve it.

    Kind regards,

  4. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hi JTemplar :hug: welcome to sf first of all!
    i'm glad you've found us!
    i\m sorry you've been through so much.. perhaps if you stick around we can help a little here :)
    if you ever need anything, i'm always here :heart:
    triggs xx
  5. JTemplar

    JTemplar Member

    Thanks for the replies, life seems to like to not play fair with us all, pitty it couldn't be just a tad easier.
    At the moment I am trying to repair my relationship but I can tell it is just not the same, I get the 'I still love you' but no response to 'do you still want to be with me?' question.. the aura that seems to fill the room just say it isn't going to be, it's no longer the same.
    I just can't see my life without them, the last and only good thing I have left to keep me going, gone.
    All I want is for us to be happy together and have a good life, I could dream of living together for life, now it is like my world is gone again, and again.. I can't even picture myself being with anyone else but them, even though I am told, their is other people out their, it is just not what I want.
    All I can think of now is my dark world is completely gone of any hope or light, and the single good thing in my life has disappeared forever.
    I can only really wish for now is not waking up.. my uphill battle in life is like reaching the top to only come to an edge of a cliff..
  6. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: relationships can be really hard, i know, but although you can't see yourself being with anyone else, it's always possible :arms: and anyway, perhaps a little time apart would do your relationship good? maybe if you talked to your partnet about that instead of actually breaking up?
    i hope things work out hun :heart: xx
  7. JTemplar

    JTemplar Member

    Thanks for the reply, at this stage time apart might be like the final straw, trying to talk things over and do my best at being the nicest I can possibly be.
    Tried to do a random act of being nice and romantic, ordered some flowers, chocies and a teddie..soon as I mentioned I will be nice and give them a suprise.. they just got angry :( See how they feel when they recieve it though. It hurt at being rejected for being nice though.. ended up crying again like I can't do anything right.

    I know even if things didn't work out.. I just feel like their my soul mate, and not having them is like my soul being ripped from my body and my heart shattering into a million pieces.. as I say, I could never see myself with anyone else, I couldn't even dream of that..

    Hoping that I can get everything back to square one.. but hope isn't the same as possibility or it happening.. I seen them yesterday, first time in awhile..its been hard times.. all I could do is cry seeing and being able to touch them again.

    I need a new life, starting fresh with them, or just an end to this one, geuss I am so emo over them that even if I could have a billion dollars and rule the world, I'd still choose them over all that. Love is a powerful emotion, it can either be great happiness or sadness..

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2009
  8. JTemplar

    JTemplar Member

    My partner doesn't want to try no more..they say they dont feel the love for me no more.

    I'm so tired, I need to sleep, I don't feel sad, I feel pain, physical pain.. I have decided I will 'go to work' tomorrow.. I tried to speak to my mother, she just said, their are others out their.. for me their is not. How can you stop loving someone.

    I know in the final moments tomorrow.. the pain is going to be great..but I hope it will end soon... that is all I can think..

    I am selfish to the ones left behind.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun you need to go back and reread the beginning of your post. You push people away when they start to get close. Because the people that "should" of been close to you in your childhood were not. So now you have a hard time letting people in and trusting them not to hurt you. All the horrible experiences you had growing up would be reason enough for you to be hurtful to others. It is a way for you to protect yourself from the possiblities of further hurt.

    I think you need to find yourself first, work on you first before you can expect to save your relationship. This is a person that you have allowed into your heart and soul. They deserve the best you. You need to either take some time to work on you alone or have your partner involved but you have to really work hard at eliminating all the negative things that you rely on to help keep your hurt buried away. Maybe sit down and have a really indepth conversation with them. Ask them, although I'm sure you know already, what things about you they would like to see changed. Then tell them you are willing to work on those things but they have to help and have to be there when it gets bad so that you can both enjoy when the light finally starts to come flooding through. Sorry I know in my head what I'm trying to say but it isnt coming out like that (lol). I know you have been trying and working so hard already. But it has been you working at it. You need to let your partner know that they are so important to you that they need to be there through this to so that it has an outcome for a future that both of you will be able to share. If they arent able to commit to that then maybe the possibility of some time apart so that you both have time to work on yourselves may be needed. Not the "oh so lets just not see each other until things are smooth again" time. But maybe just get together a couple of times a week to share quality time like a movie or a walk, almost like dating all over again (lol).

    Hun you keep going back to those situations because they are all you have known. You are so tired from all the energy you have spent just surviving that it is much easier to go to the familiar rather than spend more energy trying to experience the unfamiliar. It's like your mind is saying "yeah it would be nice, but why try and not know if you will be hurt or not." So it's just so much easier to stick to what you know.

    Sorry so long, but I really want you to know that people here care and we really want to help if we can. You have been so strong for so long. Now it's time to lean on others and let them help you through this. Think you are ready for that? I do cuz you have already started by posting and sharing. So now borrow a little strength from people here and keep making those changes that you are searching for happen hun.
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