Found this forum trying to search for a 'pro-suicide' website, government filtering must be blocking out those sites.. I'll post my little rant here.. Always have been the depressed type, even with all the pills that supposedly make you happy, had just about all the kinds of crap one could have in their life, from the day I was born..physical, sexual, psychological, substance abuse.. growing up in an abusive environment, suffered more abuse at school, never completed high school due to the problems, started on my heavy smoking when I was 12, alcohol when I was 13, pills and marijuana at 14, anything to just get out of it. Trusted people have screwed me over, from friends to family, even bashed unconscious and deliberately made to be traumatized. I have not spoken to my father in many years, his actions are beyond forgivable, from his physical/psychological abuse, to him using me as a pawn (in situations I could of been killed, go figure) in his drug and money games. My mother I still am in contact with, was always physically abusive, turning her anger into violence against me, commonly hitting me with a broom, or whipping me with an electrical cord. I have worked on improving my situation in life, many times, including education, help, medications, work, exercise.. hell I have been seeing professional help since I was 5.. but their is only temporary fixes, if it did anything to help to begin with. I have stopped smoking for the last 8 years from over 50 ciggeretes a day, I am still fighting but vastly improved my alcohol consumption from a bottle of spirits a day, to weekly, fortnightly few drinks. Haven't touched marijuana in a long time, pills is more I haven't got any left and my doctors are suspicious at my consumption of panadine forte (codine 30mg), those seem to 'even' me out the most. I am known to most as the nice guy, friendly, outgoing, or sometimes quiet, but the reality is, I just seem to be cold, bitter and hateful, even if I don't want to be, it just happens and I don't even realize it. I find its ok to have aquitences, but when people get close, I start pushing them away. I have been with my partner (who also has some troubles in life) for over 4 years, they have put up with so much of my shit, and knew me at my worst of my drinking problems, I've put them through hell and back, even when I never ever wanted it, I don't realise when I do it, or understand why I do the things I do, or say. I have been in my current job for the last couple of years, I enjoy it, I am good at it, they have stuffed me around alot, but I kept working hard, got a promotion to a better area, promised all these things, then now its turned out for the worst..I am down to 20 hours of work a week, and probably on the end of losing my job, like alot of people in the company. Last Friday, my partner told me they have had enough of all the crap and feeling bad, even though they love me, they seriously considered leaving, I have spent since them trying to stop it from happening, this is like the final shove off a cliff for me, the only person who cares and loves me going because of me. The only thing I seem to do is screw up and have shit happen every time something seems to get better.. and being told it gets better seems to get very old when you've spent many many years trying and working on making it so. How do I save my relationship when I am so messed up? I have had relationships, although as I seem to attract, abusive ones, making me even worse, they are the only one I have felt something good with and actually care for me. Why do people say things get better, get help, take happy pills, talk to people, when for the last 21 years I have been doing that. Are some people just to screwed up to repair? Why do I always end up in situations/people where I go back to this abuse? Much more to rant about, I will finish up here, tired, even when I try sleep I wake up crying more.