Life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Daphna, Jul 1, 2010.

  1. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    If I only knew then what I know now. Isn't that the famous words of all people once they grow into adults? Yes it is, and as much as I hate to admit it I catch myself saying them. It has been five years or so since that fateful night I tried to end my life for the last time. I can remember it still to this day as if it were just yesterday that I had attempted it. Looking back now I can see how miserable I was, and yet how stubborn I was too. I tried to do everything my way. I had decided a long time ago that I was going to do it my way or people were going to have to stay away from me. Needless to say I was a very lonely person. My looks got me boyfriends, but they were only after one thing well two to be honest. One was a free meal, and the other was the chance to get in my pants. I allowed them to use me out of fear of dying alone, and low self-esteem. When I was with my last ex I had hit rock bottom. He would not leave no matter what I did. I cheated on him, treated him like crap, anything to get him out. But he would always come back, and I would always take him back. Not my best moments.
    That following morning as I sat there waiting for the last suicide effects to wear off, something happened. In my gloomy state of mind of hopelessness there was a faint thought trying to come into view. It said, "It is not too late." At first I rejected it. Who wouldn't that hates themselves as I did? I was a terrible hopeless wretch that deserved to die. But the thought kept getting stronger and more persistent. Eventually I found myself repeating it. At first I was sarcastic about it. Like yeah right it is not too late.But then I saw and accepted the hope in that sentence. It was not too late for me! Next thing I know I am screaming it in joy, IT IS NOT TOO LATE FOR ME!!!! I could only imagine what the people in the hotel room next to me was thinking when they heard a woman screaming joyfully that is wasn't too late for her. So I grabbed hold of that hope and I held on for dear life. I no longer wanted to die, not while there was still hope.
    So I did what I knew I had to do, and I packed all of my meager possessions, and I left. I left the life I always knew, and I plunged into the unknown. I moved back in with my folks briefly. There I gave up the drugs that had a hold of me. I decided if I was going to do this I had better do it right. I also repented for my past actions to the one being I had always rejected. I came to terms that I was wrong about him, not that I could claim to have known him anyways. But I did know that following his enemy into rebellion had gotten me nothing but grief. Every way I had tried to make things work on my own blew up in my face. I knew what I wanted, and that was LOVE. Not lust, which is all that I was ever able to get. Lust...what a cheap and sad substitute for love that I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing. No love as it turns out is not all about physical pleasure, it is about respect, understanding, compassion,mercy, and grace. All of these things I had learned over time. It wasn't as if all the answers were revealed to me all at once.

    It was a process really. I was blessed with my job, then husband, and then my first child. I selfishly put my creator on the back burner while I got settled into my new life. He allowed me to, and when I was ready, he did something I never dared to dream about. He reunited me with the dad I have never met,and had never knew. I had only heard bad things about him, and never even seen a picture of him before. But it tore at my soul knowing that I had a dad that was out there in the world, and that I may never get the chance to meet him. I tried in vain to reach him while I was eighteen, but I wasn't able to. So I gave up hope, and wrote him off as either dead or in prison. But here I was with this urge to find him once again, and I did! It was nerve wracking, scary, and exciting all at the same time. I sat there clutching the numbers that I had always yearned to have. My heart was pounding in my ears, and my hands shook from the nervousness. I just sat there frozen in disbelief and I kept asking myself, "Am I ready for this?".............continue later.........
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 1, 2010
  2. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    It's amazing that you found hope in your darkest hour! I've always been a skeptic, but it's good to see religion help someone.

    It took a lot of strength to pull yourself out of that bad situation. :)
     
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Thank you. :)
     
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I called and held my breath, my mind racing with a hundred things I wanted to say. But the answering machine picked up. Relief came over me in a wave, and I started to breath again. His voice sounded so carefree and happy, and after hearing it this way, I started to question if I should even bother. What if he was happy with a new family without my drama, and then I come barging in turning our worlds upside down? For some reason I found myself redialing, and this time I half did it just to hear the voice on the machine hiding safely behind a missed call. The other half was hoping by chance he would pick up, because there was the excitement of what if's. What if I had a sister somewhere that I have never known? Or another brother?? What if I am an aunt with new nieces and nephews?? And then it happened; he picked up. I half choked, half tripped over the words I had longed to say. All I heard from the other end was, "Oh my God!!" After that time flew and before I knew it I was on a plane ride to meet him!!! My belly literally felt like it was going to flop right out of my throat in nervousness. But nothing prepared me for what I saw.......continue later....