Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by consciousinsane, Oct 25, 2006.

  1. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    I'm tired, can't sleep, don't want to sleep.
    My wife is mad at me. I feel like she doesn't trust me.
    I take it all personal and get self conscious, defensive, and angry, and depressed.
    I'm already depressed as it is.
    We just bought a new used van that we can't afford.
    Hell, we do good to find supper every night.
    I've got 3k in medical bills and another 3k in credit bills
    I've got another 1k of bills for school which is doing me jack for right now.
    I hate my job, but can't change because I miss to much work and I'd just get fired.
    I keep wanting to SI.
    On top of all this my 3 yr old has cancer. Just found this out last week. Going to have tons of bills for that. They had to take out a kidney with the tumor. Now he has to go thru chemo for about 6 months. All the family is coming around and people are coming up to talk to me. I get panic attacks every time anyone approaches me. So all day long I'm going from one PA to another. My stomach is in knots. My head feels like it's overwhelmed. My truck is broke and I can't find the part I need. I want to die, but can't because my boy needs me too much. I feel that I am guilty for him getting cancer because if I was a better person, God would not have done this too him. I just want to go home, cry, blow my brains out with a shot gun and rest forever. But I know that's not going to happen, so I endure the pain of it all and keep drowning in this as it slowly kills me. Oh, and I've had sinus trouble for about 2 weeks now. My wife needs her wisdom teeth cut out. I constantly worry that I'm going to fuck up or already have fucked up my marriage and eventually (even if it's 20 yrs from now) she will leave me, and I'll feel so distraught that I'll commit suicide. I'll end up in a psych ward again for that. I've got a newborn (2 months), and I don't know how to take care of him. It's not like my first one (the one with cancer). Something is different this time, and I know it's me. Something in my head. I feel like there is more wrong with me than just clinical depression with a substance abuse problem. My therapist wants me to go to NA or AA meetings. Just talking about it gives me a panic attack. I don't even think I need to go. Because I think that, I think I'm in denial. And because I think that I think that, then I really should go, then I have a PA, and the circle starts again.
    With the cancer now, I don't have anytime to do anything. I ran out of time during lunch, so my dogs don't have food, and I'm worried that they are hungary. I over heard a coworker state that she heard of a kid having chemo and he got to weak and they stopped it. Then the kid got bad sick and died a year later. So, now I'm worried that my kid will die or grow up with some type of bodily disorder, like spinal degeneration (caused by the chemo).
    My wife keeps bugging me to go back to church. I know I should and want to but I can't stand the PA's. I was just being stupid and put that I"m a buddist on my "my space" account, my wife discovered this and now she's mad at me for this. I'm just plain FUCKED!!!!!!!:sad:
  2. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    Your wife was mad at you for that?(The myspace thing.) I think you need to sit down and discuss with your wife about how to handle things. If worst comes to absolute worse, and you don't have a house, you can always find(or look for) a homeless shelter.