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Lifeache

#1
After a whole 2 day torment in the lock, I'm finally out, ain't I? Where am I actually? I guess I'm nowhere or leading to nowhere. Just wandering around this immense land carrying a whole lot of mess of my past over my back and blindfolded and out of my mind because it's already been seized by o'boypot and still asking for more, don't know how and where to get. There seems simply no reason to keep breathing and running away from my past and its repercussions and even more than that these screams of mine are mere futile but still spewing out words anyway (craving for attention? maybe) doesn't make sense. All I wanted was to get a guitar from somewhere and shout out all the mess in the face of songs I used to write but I didn't. I was probably destined to be doomed, I was gradually falling in the gutter whilst I was wondering at the stars above my head. And just like my life, my corpse wouldn't mean anything. There's simply no point in my existence, I'm just reduced to a heap of crap. All I see as my friends are the faces and works of Kurt Cobain, Sylvia Plath, Chris Cornell and Anne Sexton and don't know who else. They just give me a pump to keep going and that I'm fated to die alone someday and will meet them someday in gloom. There's often visualization of the angst and mania as if these are getting injected in my head by the stings of a giant scorpions and the snakes smeared in acids crawl through and burn all of my body and so forth. Always hearing voices calling me "Shame!" "Mess" and "Better off dead" etc none from a real throat however. I don't know what to say now but I just wanted to talk to someone to divert my mind from those scorpion and snakes. HELLo?
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#2
I'd like to hear the songs you used to write, even if that meant just getting to read the lyrics. You're a very poetic writer. Why didn't you end up getting that guitar? Did something happen?
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#5
Well dude, (& I mean this - like an old director might refer to either an ‘actor,’ or an ‘actress,’ as an “actor,” because that is what is—or has been entrained or ingrained in their minds n’ brains); but! As much as you’re going to hate this: you’ve got your whole Life ahead of you. . . And the more you go (down your path); the more things will change and reform / reshape, from a spiritual and philosophical point of view. Meaning, at 30, some of these views may very well be completely (or in part, that is to say, partially...) revised! And so on, and so forth—
You do happen to be at a very difficult crossroads or turning point that one often finds themselves in life (mid to late 20’s). So, just know that your struggle is not entirely unusual or unique. And for me anyway-‘27’ was the pits! But by 30, things began to improve . Tranformative~ly! :^) I nearly died several times @ 31 (but we’ll omit those finer details for the purposes & intents of this discussion..;)!~*•>__, /// now I also happen to believe that it can be lead to think that this particular bug, or affliction (whatever you’d like to call it -depression, “black /eyed/ dog,” can tend to lend itself to greater predisposition or onset in the creative types. Some of whom you’ve cited, or mentioned. Worth noting however, are the countless others who would fall into that same boat, but lack the fame & recognition (such as myself; for one small example)
I forgot what else I was goin g to say; but I did have a eureka moment yesterday, when my new custom ordeeed leather guitar strap can’t in , & I was able to play standing again (for the first time in many many years)! I played pain free (back) for the first time in a long time. Do you know it was like the two hour mark and I was not even the slightest bit fatigued? Now when do you think I was last able to do that? Or go more than in 5 minute increments. .?z

but the point is this. Get your hand s on any guitar, as fast / or soon as you can, and begun to create , play agahne (ull feel reborv- likle y!) :^)
 
#6
I'd like to hear the songs you used to write, even if that meant just getting to read the lyrics. You're a very poetic writer. Why didn't you end up getting that guitar? Did something happen?
Ihave to leave my guitar for my fantasies since in reality, I can't afford to buy a speck of grain. I'm a penniless homeless lowlife trash.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#7
Yeah, lock is jail and o'boy pot is, I don't know, if I should open up, heroin+curated marijuana.
Oh, well welcome back to freedom. You said it was a torment, so I won't ask for details about jail unless you wanna give them.

Open up as you feel comfortable doing so.. seems you're in a stressful situation between addict (?)and homeless. You're not trash. You're not a lowlife. You have artistry and poetry and that's more golden than anything to me.

You're coping with life just as we all are. I know what it's like to need to escape.
 
#8
Well dude, (& I mean this - like an old director might refer to either an ‘actor,’ or an ‘actress,’ as an “actor,” because that is what is—or has been entrained or ingrained in their minds n’ brains); but! As much as you’re going to hate this: you’ve got your whole Life ahead of you. . . And the more you go (down your path); the more things will change and reform / reshape, from a spiritual and philosophical point of view. Meaning, at 30, some of these views may very well be completely (or in part, that is to say, partially...) revised! And so on, and so forth—
You do happen to be at a very difficult crossroads or turning point that one often finds themselves in life (mid to late 20’s). So, just know that your struggle is not entirely unusual or unique. And for me anyway-‘27’ was the pits! But by 30, things began to improve . Tranformative~ly! :^) I nearly died several times @ 31 (but we’ll omit those finer details for the purposes & intents of this discussion..;)!~*•>__, /// now I also happen to believe that it can be lead to think that this particular bug, or affliction (whatever you’d like to call it -depression, “black /eyed/ dog,” can tend to lend itself to greater predisposition or onset in the creative types. Some of whom you’ve cited, or mentioned. Worth noting however, are the countless others who would fall into that same boat, but lack the fame & recognition (such as myself; for one small example)
I forgot what else I was goin g to say; but I did have a eureka moment yesterday, when my new custom ordeeed leather guitar strap can’t in , & I was able to play standing again (for the first time in many many years)! I played pain free (back) for the first time in a long time. Do you know it was like the two hour mark and I was not even the slightest bit fatigued? Now when do you think I was last able to do that? Or go more than in 5 minute increments. .?z

but the point is this. Get your hand s on any guitar, as fast / or soon as you can, and begun to create , play agahne (ull feel reborv- likle y!) :^)
Seems like you've trodden down the same very road I'm on but for a bit longer. That obviously comes up with a profound experience when you've actually been able to spot your destination, not meant for the indifferent scumbags like me. Life sucks, sure it does, for almost everyone out there but there are variations in its extents and not to mention your endurance against that force pulling you down in hell. Maybe, you won't hear my melodies and neither would I be able to get yours while we'll be actually listening to the same very lament!
 
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Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#10
Ihave to leave my guitar for my fantasies since in reality, I can't afford to buy a speck of grain. I'm a penniless homeless lowlife trash.
I'm sorry for that. Being a creative person but not having what you'd need to make your art is a heartbreaking feeling.
Are you like, a painter?
I paint, draw, all that sort of thing. Now I'm getting into digital art and web design.

I want to make clear I totally appreciate that not being able to play guitar is likely the least of your worries. That said, I asked about your music because having some kind of outlet for your emotions, especially your frustrations, is the best way I've found to cope with them. Not necessarily trying to ignore them, but harnessing that energy and channeling it into something tangible and powerful and good, you know?

I've been curious about your profile picture on here since the first time I saw it, is it your work?

Anyway, I feel I've written a lot so I will stop for now.
 
#11
I paint, draw, all that sort of thing. Now I'm getting into digital art and web design.
That's great, part of me has always been inclined towards painting. I maybe not as good as to be called a painter but I always admire their works, like that of van Gogh and Edward munch etc.
You're an artist, an angel in the heavenly realm of art. That makes you special!
 
#13
seized by o'boypot and still asking for more, don't know how and where to get
If you can't quit it, you may be able to get on a methadone program. You'd be addicted to the methadone instead, but people who are addicted to methadone seem to be much better off.
I'm a penniless homeless lowlife trash
Please don't say bad things about yourself. You've had a really rough life, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Wishing you good things.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#14
Seems like you've trodden down the same very road I'm on but for a bit longer. That obviously comes up with a profound experience when you've actually been able to spot your destination, not meant for the indifferent scumbags like me. Life sucks, sure it does, for almost everyone out there but there are variations in its extents and not to mention your endurance against that force pulling you down in hell. Maybe, you won't hear my melodies and neither would I be able to get yours while we'll be actually listening to the same very lament!
well— no, “indifferent scumbag,” that I know would ever be able to come up with something so creatively well written; & imaginatively expressed. . . In an intricate & articulate manner & sense! : ) you’ve got the gift! As others have said: and we’re not that great of ‘actors!’ (Meaning it isn’t “made-up!”)_ & so, these heaps of praise being piled onto you & your way are just that — genuine & authentic... :D

now - it’s interesting that you bring up & mention the guitar - I swear that yesterday after reading this, and writing that... I’m sitting here thinking in my brain, “is there any way I can do it?.?” (And that is, or being; send an instrument to you!) / well, as best I could come up with, likely only if you were in the U. S. (of, pain-in-the!) A. ;D ...& it would’ve been on my nickel - & acoustic (which may be preferable; if you’re busking, or just, as you say... “wandering!”)_.~^•>*) ..but I digress ~•*> ] And once again, implore you not to fall victim to the gravitational like pull of the abyss—this depression, thing? (Oh, yes-Yes-YES!)! :^) take a look at me: it can be done! Defeated? I don’t know - but made to stave off for good & long stretches; I will have to say, “yes!” Or “yay..;)” like so many of the ‘kids!’ To-day (^;
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#15
Have you read Barker, Clive? He used to talk about ‘The Art’ a lot... (including a never completed trilogy 2/3); but he’s a gifted and great writer. Talented, and likes to sketch or paint a bit— he’s known by many for his earlier ‘horror,’ & such - some of which were turned into movies. But I happen to much prefer his, as he likes to call them, “fantastiques!” (As he likes to claim himself, a ‘fabulist!”) . . ;^)__ anyway, have a great day! :D
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#16
That's great, part of me has always been inclined towards painting. I maybe not as good as to be called a painter but I always admire their works, like that of van Gogh and Edward munch etc.
You're an artist, an angel in the heavenly realm of art. That makes you special!
Well, yes it's my conception of the grim reaper but I don't think this mess qualifies to be an artwork, it's just an idea in the head.
You're similar to me in that we are both artists at heart. Here's at least one difference, though: I'm not brave enough to set my own artwork as my profile picture. I've always used someone else's work to represent myself on this site. On the other hand, your picture is genuinely yours, not to mention haunting and intriguing. Paired with your writing, it makes me feel as if the world would lose out quite badly if it never got a chance to hear your songs. I hope you'll be able to perform them, and also hope that life will finally start treating you better sometime soon.
 
#17
Have you read Barker, Clive? He used to talk about ‘The Art’ a lot... (including a never completed trilogy 2/3); but he’s a gifted and great writer. Talented, and likes to sketch or paint a bit— he’s known by many for his earlier ‘horror,’ & such - some of which were turned into movies. But I happen to much prefer his, as he likes to call them, “fantastiques!” (As he likes to claim himself, a ‘fabulist!”) . . ;^)__ anyway, have a great day! :D
I haven't but seems a great subject. I'll try to arrange it from somewhere. Thanks for the suggestion!
Anyway, Joseph heller is also an absurdist sculpture of some gorgeously carved books scripted in his ideology and imagination. I hope you would like that!
 
#18
That's very nice and
well— no, “indifferent scumbag,” that I know would ever be able to come up with something so creatively well written; & imaginatively expressed. . . In an intricate & articulate manner & sense! : ) you’ve got the gift! As others have said: and we’re not that great of ‘actors!’ (Meaning it isn’t “made-up!”)_ & so, these heaps of praise being piled onto you & your way are just that — genuine & authentic... :D

now - it’s interesting that you bring up & mention the guitar - I swear that yesterday after reading this, and writing that... I’m sitting here thinking in my brain, “is there any way I can do it?.?” (And that is, or being; send an instrument to you!) / well, as best I could come up with, likely only if you were in the U. S. (of, pain-in-the!) A. ;D ...& it would’ve been on my nickel - & acoustic (which may be preferable; if you’re busking, or just, as you say... “wandering!”)_.~^•>*) ..but I digress ~•*> ] And once again, implore you not to fall victim to the gravitational like pull of the abyss—this depression, thing? (Oh, yes-Yes-YES!)! :^) take a look at me: it can be done! Defeated? I don’t know - but made to stave off for good & long stretches; I will have to say, “yes!” Or “yay..;)” like so many of the ‘kids!’ To-day (^;
That's very generous and empathetic of you! I appreciate your concern. But I must say I'm afraid I might never ever afford your benevolent gift as that would owe me the extent of gratitude I simply am unable to serve with. Albeit, your generosity tends to shake my belief that this world is full of devils.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#19
I haven't but seems a great subject. I'll try to arrange it from somewhere. Thanks for the suggestion!
Anyway, Joseph heller is also an absurdist sculpture of some gorgeously carved books scripted in his ideology and imagination. I hope you would like that!
Wow, thanks for the tip! Will have to check him out some time / one day. . . :^) sounds intriguing, to say the least—
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#20
That's very nice and

That's very generous and empathetic of you! I appreciate your concern. But I must say I'm afraid I might never ever afford your benevolent gift as that would owe me the extent of gratitude I simply am unable to serve with. Albeit, your generosity tends to shake my belief that this world is full of devils.
Well, it wouldn’t be completely altruistic on my behalf. I’d be getting something out of it as well. The good feeling that comes along with helping someone who is in dire need of just a little bit of extra help! ..;) 👍
 

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