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life's a bitch..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by struggling, Apr 8, 2009.

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  1. struggling

    struggling Antiquitie's Friend

    Haven't visited the site for ages and posted even less. Just feeling the need to talk to someone, anyone..
    Here i am a middle aged mum with five lovely kids, living in a great place,so what right have I to be depressed? Well, as i said, life's a bitch! My past keeps coming back to haunt me. PTSD my counsellor thinks with a dash of borderline personality disorder, a sprinkiling of anxiety and a large dose of depression. I trust no-one specially not people in authority, they let me down big time and I'll never forgive-now does that make me evil? I HATE, I really do and i hurt. THis all makes me a mess. Up til 5 years ago I could keep it all in, cope by hiding how I feel, i'm good at that, could be world champion. I worked as a nurse, I've seen so much suffering and death its normal to me. I'm always the carer, the giver,the mug that does it all for everyone. When's my turn? I've had good times, married a lovely man, have his kids, love them all but HATE me, myself this mess I've become. I'm a wreck. I hate my physical self, this tired,fat frumpy body that lets me down. WHen I'm not so depressed I'm falling apart. If I don't take my meds I'm a basket case and I HATE that too.
    We farm beef cattle and sheep, not great for family time. So I booked a holiday for 18th April, our first family holiday abroad, and our first for 4 yrs. Then hubby gets ill, really ill and has spent last 4 wks in and out of hospital. Now home but incapable of much-uncertainty i hate-so will we be able to go?> who knows? Meanwhile cattle had tb test and we have to lose our stock bull yet again, the5th in 3 yrs for different things. Money problems again, always. I'm waiting for surgery on both hands for carpal tunnel so everythings painful, i dread them seeing my scars-yes I have some visible ones too. My Dad's ill and its down to me. My sisters ill and I'm her shoulder to cry on. My kids are a handfull and I've had them all to deal with for ages and I'm just not up to it. i'm exhausted. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of just being me under pressure all the time.
    This all sounds stupid and petty but believe me my thoughts and feelings are scarey. I'm transported back to being powerless and scared and alone and uncared for every time I hear an angry voice, or feel angry and frustrated, I fear any kind of confrontation. So I'm weak and downtrodden and have no confidence, and I have to cope with everything. I'm scared i'll crumble.
    I sound so selfish and self centred,maybe I don't deserve any help. Perhaps the saying is true, Life's a bitch and then you marry one... I feel so sorry for my poor hubby-He doesn't deserve me like this. I'm just feeling so angry at life, frustrated, stupid. I just need to cry adn scream but nothing comes out..:sad:
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I read and I really hear what you say and in how much pain you feel.

    You do deserve help. If you can't trust professionals, what about things like support groups, is that something that might be an option? Have you talked to anyone in your family about how you feel?
  3. katmandu1

    katmandu1 SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend

    Scum has some good ideas! You are NOT selfish, far from it...it sounds to me like you've given up too much of yourself and got little in return. First, give yourself a break...don't be so hard on yourself. PTSD and BPD are real problems that need to be dealt with. Work with your counsellor, but if you feel your counsellor isn't helping...find someone else! I feel your pain hun. I know what self hatred is like. Talk to your husband about what you are going through...even your kids, if they are old enough to understand that mommy needs a little help here. Keep posting here and get some support from us!! You definately need some help hun :hug: What's happening is NOT your fault!!! It's an illness just as real as heart disease. Keep fighting for the life you deserve!
  4. struggling

    struggling Antiquitie's Friend

    Its been ages since my last post, thanks to those who read and understood it. I did get my holiday, it was good and hubby was better enough to go. One daughter was ill while we were away and is still poorly-shes been inhospital but now home but not better yet. SO I'm under heaps of pressure still. Hubbys had a bug so have 4 of the 5kids. I havent yet, hope I don't cos I can't afford to be ill I'm needed too much. I just wish I could have a break from being needed so much but I'd probably hate that too! I don't cope well with pressure. I have a great counsellor but it is hard. My family are great and supportive but I don't like to keep on about being unwell, they've put up with enough of that over the years. I'm tired and low but have to keep going. I'm trying to do an art course but family illness has stopped much of it. I have an interview to get on a fine art foundation degree on Weds to start in September but am scared I'll mess it up or I won't be able to go for some reason. Always the black side, always negative, I see myself doing it but can't seem to stop. I used to have a great sense of humour but don't see the funny side enough any more. I've become a sad waste of space. I so want to change but change is scarey. I want to lose wieght, get fitter and live to see my kids grow up. I'm so proud of them all. i'm scared I won't live, that I'll either kill myself or die because of self neglect or die of cancer like my gran, Mum and Aunt. I'm scared of life but am scared of death too. I need to keep talking but am scared no-one wants to listen any more. I'm convinced people are sick of my whingeing and whining and I should just pull myself together and get on with it.
    I hope no-one minds me going on like this, I just need the space to do just that.
    Thanks for the support I always get, it really is a lifeline, believe me.
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