life's a huge burden

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by danko, Aug 26, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. danko

    danko New Member

    I want to share my story here.
    I truly believe that some people get to be born in wrong lifetime. I am 100% certain that I am one of those.
    Life's a burden... Since I was a child, or more and less after I turned 10, I've begun to have that ''I dont belong to be here'' feeling. Feeling strange and foreign anywhere everywhere. when u r under the wings of ur parents u dont really know what's this feeling is about, u most of the time feel safe around them. but when I was getting older, started to be living on my own, since my 17th. It's become more and more clear to me how unwilling I feel towards life. That feeling of heaviness stayed in my constantly, I;ve become more and more voulnerable to outside attacks. Cant be around many people, although many consider me as a very social person. But I just cant stand to be in a crowd. With the time i've got the though of suicide. it's stayed with me. I''ve tried to get help at several different shrinks, tried to read spiritual enlightning books, have great interests, travel. Nothing could defeat thos feeling of heaviness, burden, suicide. I am 29 now, I must that last couple years I was reading alot about life&death, afterlife in order to get rid off the fear of death and what comes afterwards. It helped me. It even started to excite me that unknown. I am not religious man, so I cant stand when people begin tell that I will burn in hell etc horseshit which wasnt even proven ever! or when people try to put that blame guilt trip on u by saying it will be very egoistic for me towards close people in my life to end my life. which is of course egoistic they can call themselves by thinking that way.
    I am not asking here for any help, may be support. I see no single point anymore for continuing living while life is a huge heavy burden for u even when u suppose to feel joy, happiness, goodness. I also dont understand why so many people r trying to hold on to life even in worse scenarios. BUt cant judge anyone. Never judged myself either, just have no single will for life anymore left.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know when will is gone it is very hard to look at the world in a different light. I have to stay here because i can't and won't hurt others by giving myself the peace i need. I am sure your family would miss you and wonder what they did wrong how they failed. Reach out to others volunteer work that are less fortunate Give yourself a reason to go on there are so many things you can do death is not one of them It is permanent nothing comes after death nothing.
  3. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there danko.. welcome 2 sf..
    i can realte alot 2 ur post.. even though i have had ppl around me that 'cared' .. i always felt as though i was an outsider looking in on the world..
    is it possible that u are suffering from depression/ or some sort of social disorder?
    i also find it very hard 2 be in crowds.. at the moment i consider 3- or more ppl 2 be a 'crowd'.. its really tough.. but there is help out there..
    can u talk 2 ur gp/doctor about how ur feeling? mabye even a friend or a family member?
    if u ever want 2 talk u can pm me if u like.. :hug:

  4. danko

    danko New Member

    Well, I am back here... however regularly I was just silently visiting the site, reading the posts of others. it feels incredibly peaceful and wellcoming here, around people like myself. and there r so many of us who dont seem to find their resting place in this lifetime...
    Before I am going to cry my soul out here, I want to thank everyone who's participated in creating this web place for such great good people. Thank U!
    ... it's been couple months and nothing has changed for me, not that i want it to be any different. After over the decade having this constant state of mind, I' ve accepted it, I've given myself in to it. For now alls left is just to continue to BE on this planet until I am naturally ready to leave. As i was mentioning earlier, I was enlightening myself with reading about death and what comes after. and I must say, even though I am very well aware that whatever's written by someone about that matter, it;s not proven and it cant be relied on. Myself I am willing to believe that after u die, it wont be nothing, but whatever something good real good. it makes for me easier to get to the point of taking that step of freeing my soul.
    There r of course people who do love me and care for me dearely. Forinstance I am so relieved that the most darling human being for me my mom is no longer alone, and she's got someone to love and to beloved. I' ve never seen her happier. it makes me feel lighter, as she wont be completely devastated, she will be helped to get through the sad time and taken care of. Because she's the only one I was holding myself and concentrating my mind on how she would be after I am gone.
    and there's another human being whom I love more than myself, with whom I was for 4 years. I cant stop loving that person even though it's not much mutual enough. by words it's, but rarely by actions. Everyday is a new day and different level of his feeling for me. yesterday he loved me, today he doesnt feel a thing, and then tomorrow he will cherrish me to death. and I let it and i ve learned to live with this. cos i know he wont change and i dont want it otherwise. and now slowly i am on the way to the end and beginning of something else -death and what comes after.
    During last 6 months I am in the country of my birth, after 9 years living abroad, I finally came back to silently have goodbye with the people who r my family. I started to get rid off some things of mine, whether I give it away or sell and put it on my bank account which at the last days I will make transfered to my mom's. When people ask why do I get rid off the belongings, i just make something up. After a couple months I am returning back to the country where I lived last 9 years to my partner. and then it will be the last days of having this burden...
    I must say to the others. if anybody feels what I feel, have been feeling for so many years, getting all kind of help, and it doesnt change, - it wont change. when ur spirit/soul is lost or dont find the right place in this life, then it doesnt matter what u do, it will stay with u that bitter lifeless dry feeling of emptiness. and i am sure we/humans r all well aware of that but we dont want to accept it and we go on even though it puts us to misery and true dread... but everyone has a right to make their own choices.
    will finish with this for now. thanks for reading.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.