Life's gone straight to hell.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CCK, Aug 7, 2009.

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  1. CCK

    CCK Well-Known Member

    So, I used to frequent chat here before I got permanently booted from there for being over-reactive to some people there that bugged me (I fuck everything good up). I much preferred the chat to the forums, because I could always talk to someone, either about my fucked up life or theirs, and the camaraderie really pulled me through a lot of shitty times. I really really regret messing that up, and I miss my friends in chat, I guess I used all my second chances though. That said, it'd be nice to be chatting if I could, if not for benefit just to pass the days by...

    Recently a lot has happened, for starters I came out as transgendered (MtF) to my mother and that has been bittersweet. It's caused problems, I've felt awkward as hell around her and we haven't talked near as much as we used to. She's said she has "hundreds of questions" for me but when we finally talked she didn't really ask anything so nothing good came out of it (this happened last week at my therapist appointment, I invited her in for that session). This week she also came into my appointment (that was on a day that was already going fairly shitty) and I ended up being horrible; I vented suppressed jealousy, frustration, and anger and I directed it all on her. I feel like shit for that, she's been pretty understanding and supportive (even just by accepting me for who I am) and I return that with this shit... I made her cry. I always do this, I fuck every goddamn thing up. Everything.

    I've also changed meds recently from Welbutrin XL to Prozac... the Prozac puts me to sleep so bad, I never have energy no matter when I take it and even if I get 12+ hours of sleep. I fucking hate it but I'm afraid that if I stop taking it I'll feel worse. I can't go back to Welbutrin because it didn't really work for me. Not sure if Prozac is either.

    On top of this shit my college is starting up soon and I'm stressing like hell because I am worried about it in general (who isn't?) and I also don't have a job, considering my father recently got laid off I feel really bad for costing a bunch in tuition and fuel costs to commute to school (I can't afford to live there). I am trying to get a job, as hard as I can try considering I have neither the motivation nor energy I need, but there's nothing out there.

    I just want to break down and cry, but through all my 17 years I've slowly learned to not show any emotion, so I can't even do something so simple as cry. I've come to hate myself so much that I'm starting to see why people find self mutilation so damn attractive.

    Is anyone out there who understands who could talk to me? My MSN is in my profile.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 7, 2009
  2. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hey CCK,

    I'm sorry to hear about what's been happening. Change is also always stressful no matter if it's college or just relocating. It works out in the end though.

    I know what it's like to take drugs which put you to sleep. The medication I take makes me so tired when I have to go to work so I keep eating to stay awake.

    It's not easy not having a job. I've been unemployed and it's very hard. However, keep trying. People kept telling me that and I wasn't sure if they were telling the truth but they were. I did get a job I really like in the end. Maybe you could talk to an employment agency about that too? They could offer some great advice.

    Don't feel bad about your mother crying. She's your mother and she just cares about you. I remember my mother came into a doctor's appointment with me after a serious suicide attempt and she just cried all the way through it. She told me later she only did that because she was worried about me and she's a mother and it's her job to worry.

    You may also find that with a change in College things may become better. I had to study in the country and I was so stressed about going that I was hospitalised. My mother literally forced me to go though and I really enjoyed the course I did and the freedom it brought with it. The first few days were hard but from then on I really enjoyed it.

    If you ever would like to talk, please don't hesitate to write. I've been where you are and it's not nice but it will get nicer.

    Take care.

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm both happy and proud of you for having the courage to share those sessions with your Mom. I think her lack of questions may have been sort of a delayed shock. Or maybe she reasoned them out for herself. Not the best thing to do but maybe all she could do. And I think your session of releasing all that was because you have been holding it in for so long that once you started with the first session you had the courage or maybe just even the need to let the rest out. The meds.... you had the courage to change from the welbutrin so try the Prozac for a little longer (most take about 6 weeks for full effect) then tell your doc if it's good or not. Sometimes it takes quite a few med changes til you find the one that will work. And please dont hate yourself. You''ve shown so much courage in the last little bit. Be proud of yourself, not too many adults could of mustered up that much strength. You just need a good shoulder to lean on to make that cry come out. You need to feel safe and supported. Cant give you a real one but my pm is always there and I do listen hun.
     
  4. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    well cck,

    i dont know what you are going through as far as your transgender dealwhat i do know is:
    first, if this is your choice, thats fine. you have to realise ... im hoping you do, its gunna be difficult for EVERYONE that you know. including yourself.

    there has to be some ppl in with the same kind of pain reguarding that.

    i think you need to throw yourself into your school work and what you have planned for YOU career wise when your through.

    it will help you take your mind off things.

    DONT BE WORRIED, you may feel alittle intimadated right how. but you have to keep yourself confidence up.

    dont allow the issue to control the way you think.

    no matter what you decide to do with your life, you have a great oppertunity in front of you. i wish i could have gone. i didnt.

    your mom, well. it may take some time for her to adjust to that new found info that you gave her.
    you must stop and think about what you are thinking about ... before you say it.
    you may have alot of anger built up inside. keep going to the dr. if thats what you do, but try to let him or her know, you are going to colldege and you need help rearanging your thoughts.

    dont pass up on an education. your other issue, well .... like i said, thats something thats your choice and if you are strong in what you feel you need to be, expect SOME, letdowns and maybe a set back or two.

    dont allow yourself to fall short of what you desire. get some support and work THROUGH IT, not around it.
    you are what you are. no matter what you choose to be, you know what i mean ... you have to allow time for those that might not quite understand. there will be plenty.
    there will also be those that will support you as well. you owe it to yourself to be happy, get to colledge, face it head on and decide right now ... am i gunna be a quiter or am i gunna move forward ... one day at a time.

    i do wish you the best. i also hope that you seek some support ... not only in your schooling .. as to what to do and in your change of life style.

    either way, stick around and let us know.
    odie
     
  5. CCK

    CCK Well-Known Member

    I feel a need to reply to your kindness but I've kind of shut down today and can't seem to write anything of import. Thanks for understanding.
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No words or thanks needed hun we are all here for one another especially when you cant seem to take another step forward. Give yourself a break and know that we are here for you ok?
     
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