So, I used to frequent chat here before I got permanently booted from there for being over-reactive to some people there that bugged me (I fuck everything good up). I much preferred the chat to the forums, because I could always talk to someone, either about my fucked up life or theirs, and the camaraderie really pulled me through a lot of shitty times. I really really regret messing that up, and I miss my friends in chat, I guess I used all my second chances though. That said, it'd be nice to be chatting if I could, if not for benefit just to pass the days by... Recently a lot has happened, for starters I came out as transgendered (MtF) to my mother and that has been bittersweet. It's caused problems, I've felt awkward as hell around her and we haven't talked near as much as we used to. She's said she has "hundreds of questions" for me but when we finally talked she didn't really ask anything so nothing good came out of it (this happened last week at my therapist appointment, I invited her in for that session). This week she also came into my appointment (that was on a day that was already going fairly shitty) and I ended up being horrible; I vented suppressed jealousy, frustration, and anger and I directed it all on her. I feel like shit for that, she's been pretty understanding and supportive (even just by accepting me for who I am) and I return that with this shit... I made her cry. I always do this, I fuck every goddamn thing up. Everything. I've also changed meds recently from Welbutrin XL to Prozac... the Prozac puts me to sleep so bad, I never have energy no matter when I take it and even if I get 12+ hours of sleep. I fucking hate it but I'm afraid that if I stop taking it I'll feel worse. I can't go back to Welbutrin because it didn't really work for me. Not sure if Prozac is either. On top of this shit my college is starting up soon and I'm stressing like hell because I am worried about it in general (who isn't?) and I also don't have a job, considering my father recently got laid off I feel really bad for costing a bunch in tuition and fuel costs to commute to school (I can't afford to live there). I am trying to get a job, as hard as I can try considering I have neither the motivation nor energy I need, but there's nothing out there. I just want to break down and cry, but through all my 17 years I've slowly learned to not show any emotion, so I can't even do something so simple as cry. I've come to hate myself so much that I'm starting to see why people find self mutilation so damn attractive. Is anyone out there who understands who could talk to me? My MSN is in my profile.