I have given things a chance for a long time, and i feel life is dwindling down. Things are wrapping up and i am about finished. I don't really have alot of focus or care for myself. And recently things started improving, i was working harder at things and trying to make an honest effort or go at things. And to be honest things improved in my productivity and output. But overall my feelings of wanting to end my life didnt change at all. I still ended up thinking about killing myself and genuinly disliking the person i am. I don't think its because i am a bad person though, for the most part i am courteous to others and am thoughtful and kind, but the only thing i knew for so long was being put down, and when i am not around enough people i know that i am being put down, i end up puting myself down. Anytime i have a positive i remove the feelings with multiple negative memories of when i was miserable. I probably deserve it though. I am not worth my own time and if things cannot improve, and i still feel this way then things are not going to change. I don't see a future for myself or atleast one worth living for. People say different things are not for everyone all the time. So why can't life be life that? why shouldn't i have the choice to make on whether i live or die? Besides feeling guilty about hurting people that might care about me, i have nothing to lose. I spent years pushing them away so no one would care when i followed through on my promise to myself, but some still gave a shit. I am too tired to get up in the morning even. I spend all the energy i have in getting out of bed and by the time i get to work i am exhausted. Its nothing worth living for. Things are pretty clear now.