Life's path

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by it 1s what it is, Jun 27, 2008.

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  1. I have given things a chance for a long time, and i feel life is dwindling down. Things are wrapping up and i am about finished. I don't really have alot of focus or care for myself. And recently things started improving, i was working harder at things and trying to make an honest effort or go at things. And to be honest things improved in my productivity and output. But overall my feelings of wanting to end my life didnt change at all. I still ended up thinking about killing myself and genuinly disliking the person i am. I don't think its because i am a bad person though, for the most part i am courteous to others and am thoughtful and kind, but the only thing i knew for so long was being put down, and when i am not around enough people i know that i am being put down, i end up puting myself down. Anytime i have a positive i remove the feelings with multiple negative memories of when i was miserable. I probably deserve it though. I am not worth my own time and if things cannot improve, and i still feel this way then things are not going to change. I don't see a future for myself or atleast one worth living for. People say different things are not for everyone all the time. So why can't life be life that? why shouldn't i have the choice to make on whether i live or die? Besides feeling guilty about hurting people that might care about me, i have nothing to lose. I spent years pushing them away so no one would care when i followed through on my promise to myself, but some still gave a shit. I am too tired to get up in the morning even. I spend all the energy i have in getting out of bed and by the time i get to work i am exhausted. Its nothing worth living for. Things are pretty clear now.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    There's something to go on. You can always say to yourself "I am a good person."

    No one deserves to be miserable. Even you.

    I've spent weeks where all the energy that I have is only enough to get me on the computer and on this forum. Depression can be exhausting.

    Anyway, :welcome: to the forum. Hope you continue to share with us what's going on and maybe get a new perspective on things.
  3. Its not worth it though. I get up to make money to keep living like this. Why should i do that? its like i fascilitate my continuance. I don't need an excuse or a means, all i have to pick is the time. I think i always second guessed myself thinking optimistically that quality of life would improve but it doesnt.

    good doesnt lead to good and bad to bad.
    people lie, cheat and steal and live happy lifes.
    others stop to help a stranded motorist and get struck by another motorist.
    there is no accounting for it.

    I feel like i gave things enough time to improve things for myself and work at things, but in the end it doesnt change. I don't care enough about myself and i am not interested in living out life for others to have me around. I am there to be the scapegoat until i get fired for not being around to defend myself from others blaming me for things i have no involvement with. And i don't stand up for myself so its just a matter of time. What am i hanging around for?

    The only reason i do anything is so that others don't complain to me about what i do. School, work, etc. its all to appease others. I am living a life for others satisfaction and amusement. I don't even know what if i had the time to do something, i just want to fade away and be forgotten.
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    How long is the long time you've been giving things a chance? I wonder what your doctor might say about your chronic lack of energy.

    If I were to offer you any advice, I'd be offering it to myself at the same time. I have feelings similar to what you describe. Life feels like everything I've needed to do is done - at least the important things. There's a lawn to water and mow, flowers, trees and shrubs to plant. There will always be the mundane. But there are days when I almost enjoy life in the middle of the mundane. The mundane holds life together in between the spectacular moments.

    Live the mundane until you run across those special events. It's OK to have peace with yourself even in the in-between times, not expecting more out of life than it offers right now.
  5. I have been giving things a chance for 12 years, part of that was doctor prescribed which made things worse. I think if my parents didnt think they knew what was best when i was younger then things might be different now. But my most enjoyable moments are alone, however moments alone are when my mind reverts to reminiscing about the most miserable times in my life and it becomes torture just to sit and be with myself. I don't like driving either because its idle time to think. Every moment is like reliving the most miserable experience i have ever had. I have tried talking to people, people don't care they get paid to listen to you and act like they care. I understand its a living but people get jaded from listing to others all day and they don't have a genuine perspective on your perception of things.
  6. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    You have a point about therapists being jaded. I'm sure they have to in order for them to survive. But in my experience, they have at least been a listening ear and have offered some helpful suggestions and taught me some good coping skills. I'm not sure that they need to care deeply about my every problem, but they can caringly share what they've learned either by experience or study. So, their help is valid, at least to some extent.
  7. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    I have tried talking to people, people don't care they get paid to listen to you and act like they care.

    i hate to break this to ya but we are not at all paid to listen to you and we are so not acting like we care. we totally do care that's why were here and will continue to listen to you and offer any support we can.

    please please hang in there and take care, and by every means please stay safe.(even if this includes going to the hospital)
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