Life's Path

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by it 1s what it is, Oct 2, 2008.

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  1. Its funny, i have not been able to sleep well in the past few months, and i looked up my login for this site since i might as well do something as opposed to lying in bed with my eyes open. But the funny thing is i was reading a post from a few months ago and the whole time i was reading i was feeling worse about myself thinking this sounds just like me. Every word of it. And when i looked at the author of the post, it was me.

    It didnt surprise me though. Nothing has changed. I still have trouble sleeping and even though i am doing everything i am supposed to in life, i am not happy and never will be.

    Recently i moved and i have something called a Daruma, some people may not know what it is, so i will explain. A Daruma is a little red spherical looking guy who has two white eyes, this is a japanese thing btw. And you make a wish and color in the left eye i believe and when the wish comes true you color in the right eye. And i must have made this wish almost 10 years ago now that i think about it. And every once in awhile someone says whats that and i have to explain, and it reminds me of how nothing has changed.

    I think i stopped believing that wish was going to come true a year after i made it. I will have a little one eyed daruma for the rest of my life.
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know what you mean, it really hurts when wishes don't come true. But maybe that wish was never meant to be, I don't know, or maybe it will come to pass one day. How about thinking of another dream you want to come true?
    The only thing you can do anyway is to keep believing and try your hardest to achieve what you want to do.
    It's weird, 'life's path'....there's no one way it can go, I mean, life can be bad for a long time then suddenly get better, or vice versa, or it can fluctuate from good to bad or just...anything can happen. It's a total adventure, though it can seem like a futile one at times.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Try journaling. Put in there your positive thoughts. When you find yourself thinking negative pull out your journal and find a positive thought to blow away that pesky negative one! It also can pick you up when you go back and read stuff like people I helped,etc. I tried it and kept writing the same shit over and over so I gave it up. I did give it my effort to make it work. I just don't like putting my thoughts to pen and paper. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Maybe your wish did come true only it wasn't in the way you expected it to be. One can never say things aren't changing because they constantly are. We may not recognize the change or it may be so small we ourselves are not able to see it. I hope your Durama someday has both eyes colored in. It can happen. :hug:
  5. No i am pretty sure things will never change. The only thing that changes it seems is when i chose to give up on something. I currently am struggling to do well in school but cant seem to find a balance. I get frustrated by teachers who do not understand english and cannot field my questions with proper responses beside generic bullshit they use to sideline morons. But i dont really consider myself to be stupid contrary to my success in school sometimes, so i stand there waiting for an answer and this clown just looks at me like he gave me one. Its not even worth trying, i think the conclusion i am coming to is that the harder i try the less i succeed, i need to just sit back and ride the wave like all the other morons who seem to get by just fine.

    There doesnt seem to be a balance and not that i think there should be. But to me atleast it seems i am doing the right things and taking the steps to get things done and keep things in order, but i am being fought the entire way by obstacles that are so absurd it drains me. So i sit up at night unable to sleep and becoming more depressed. My entire day everyday is a struggle to continue because constant problems arise that shut me down. And before i know it i have no energy or drive to do anything and giving up seems like the only solution.

    I do not think i can win. And frankly i do not care enough about myself to try to improve things because i know from experience every time i try the shit storm comes back two fold.

    People are not nice. I know this because the only time people are nice is when they want something. People are smart enough to know what they can get out of you. For example if someone is willing to take the risk of a project not getting done because they know if they hold out long enough you will do it all in fear of it not getting done, they will take the risk. So what is the solution here? Dont prove them right and you fail too? or speak to the teacher who assigned you this partner and tells you to work it out. Or ask yourself why your paying to go to school to be abused like this?

    What is wrong with me that i accept this situation? This is not acceptable by any means and i dont deserve it. I do not want this douche making me do all the work to be punished later on in life either, i just dont want to be punished for my bad luck.
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