light doesnt work tonight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by patodemuerte, Oct 11, 2007.

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  1. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    so suffer my ramblings tonight.....

    I know i keep saying this, i know. That I dont like myself to the point of wanting to die. I dont like my actions. the way I speak. The way I feel like a lumbering retard when I walk or speak or knock something over. I am by no means graceful, my actions are full on and I cant seem to control my intensity, which often leads to going too far in a situation.

    At this point my suicidal thoughts are taking over badly, I have not been to school in a week and I've stopped doing my homework (which I reassure myself by saying that I'll be dead by the day its due anyways). At the moment im out of school because of some dental work being done and I've been out long enough but I cant bring myself to motivate me enough to get up and go to school. It needs to be done, I need to graduate next year, but what am i saying, ill be dead in two weeks.

    I keep planning and thinking ahead even when I have all these preparations for my upcoming suicide.... If i fail......i dont want to go into that.... i just know if i fail im so f**ked ....

    I know i want to live, i want things in life. I want so much, I wanted to be a translator/interpreter and travel and meet people (as antisocial as I am)
    But....I dont want to live as me...
    I hate me, thats what it comes down to.
    I dont see me living past 19..... I barely see me graduating highschool and that fades with each passing moment.
    Im aware the only way im going to get through this time in my life is though some intensive hospitalization and therapy..

    I'd much rather not waste everyone elses time and money to come out still thinking of myself this way, thinking of myself in this life that way.

    I cant see me living this life. I dont need to die, but I feel it is one of the better options I am being given.

    I've got everything written down, the whos the wheres the whys the inner thoughts....all written down in assorted books around my room, its all there, the suicide notes, my goodbyes. I've got the approximate dates, the method, the place....

    Everythings coming together and I dont know whether I should be exstatic about this or completely miserable during this time.... Im not asking for an opinion just once more, a rambling.

    I suppose at this point I want to know whether theres any way I can trade myself in?
     
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