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LightsOut, Time2Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DeAdwOrLD, Jan 17, 2011.

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  1. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    The more I realize that my family, gf and friends will eventually get over my suicide, the easier it becomes

    Yesterday, I found myself in a cemetery. I don't know why I was there but I was standing among the worn headstones, withered flowers and temporary markers

    What occured to me most was how all these beloved dead ones' significant others had probably already started new lives without them. Yes, at first there must have been a lot of tears spent and terrible feelings of loss

    After a period of grieving, however, they must have woken up some day and sensibly announced to themselves, 'He's gone. What's the use of my tears and sadness now?'

    So they return to work, smiling, perhaps meeting somebody else with whom they will fall in love with, marry, have children, divorce etc

    The poor bod in the sod, meanwhile, is no more, and all the charm has gone. Eventually, everyone forgets he is there so no one comes to tend his grave

    There is a undoubtedly a similar story for every one of those stones. What matters is what difference will it make if I die now or sixty years from now?
    I'm fated to die like a dog that is soon forgotten!
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    no matter what -you will not be forgotten....
    the difference is that taking your own life leaves the family and friends in a terrible grief that I assure you never goes away and they will never forget..
    suicide transfers the pain you're feeling to the survivors.
    dying from old age and/or a terminal illness cannot even begin to compare with the pain a suicide causes..so much blame, guilt, anger accompanies suicide...the 'if onlys'..the 'what ifs' etc..
    believe me..I am living that nightmare.
    please get yourself some proffessional help..
    I'm sorry you're in so much pain ..let someone help you through it and stay safe..
  3. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    it's an entirely different type of grief.
    life goes on;that's true. life goes on now complicated with severe grief and depression, the possbility of alcohol and drug abuse, 70% (?) chance of separation for parents of people who suicide, a lifetime of guilt...
    very very few people get to acceptance knowing that this death is entirely preventable and wasn't an accident.
    there's a huge difference between dying now and when you're older. you would've lived a life, loved and been loved, taken advantage of potential. you wouldn't have chosen to exit. huge difference.
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    for a caring parent, the death of a child is the most psychologically devastating experience that exists (they've actually done studies on this, it's the worst). loosing a child to suicide I imagine only intensifies this.

    I think that the perspective that you have on life is one that comes from a depressed person, it sounds like the disease talking. I don't think that anyone truly wants to die, they just want their pain to end.

    why not try getting treatment, see if that changes things? it is possible that you could have a completely different perspective on life
  5. anonmn

    anonmn Active Member

    Even in the dark place I am in, with no one I feel safe talking to, I know that my suicide would crush people's lives.

    It gives me some ability to resist knowing that people are counting on me to not kill myself, even if they don't realize it.

    With all mourning there is sadness. With accidental death there is anger at the situation. With homicide there is anger at the killer. With suicide there is anger at the victim, anger at oneself and guilt on top of it. Not to mention the hurt from basically being told, "I'd rather die than confide in you."
  6. KillingMoon

    KillingMoon New Member

    It's scary to think about...I imagine someone dead who can somehow see what happened after their death and feeling so sad about how people managed to move on so quickly. Someone who has changed their mind and wants to go back into that world and rewind time but it's too late
  7. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    Agreed, sucide is different from any other cause of death; Lots of unanswered questions, disbelief, and pain none of which I would want anyone to go through least of all my gf. I guess I must be depressed

    I just wanna die; My gf doesn't 'get' me about this. So I walk off to be alone with myself. It's easier that way. Explaining to her and everyone else why I can't go out is really difficult and she doesn't understand anyway. Everything is so easy for other people it seems incl. her. She thinks that being together, going out, partying is the reason for life. When I was younger, like 16, all this was fun and stuff but now it's a vacuous waste of time

    I should tell her it's over then I won't have to talk to her about it

    Thanks for your opinions
  8. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    How old are you may I ask? Just that you said when you were 16 you felt better.
    How long have you been together?
    Christ, I wish I had trusted my gut instinct about the whole going out and partying stuff - I'm with you on this one, I hate it. And sadly I didn't accept this soon enough, that it's fine. Well it's not that I hate it, it's just it really can be a waste of time and money.
    Do you enjoy spending time with her otherwise?
    I'm glad to hear you wouldn't want anyone to go through suicide grief.

    and to cheer you up a little more, here's a ridiculous smilie:sparkle:
  9. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    I'm 22, and have spent four incredible years with her. We met whilst I was studying Social care at college. I was from the wrong side of the tracks but it didn't matter, we loved each other. Only now I feel she can't understand what this is like for me...

    How do you begin to tell someone you love that you think about suicide quite a lot and struggle to keep on living? She would be very upset and create a wall of our friends around me. That would be terrible! How would I breathe? Does she think numbers of people will make everything 'better'? That somehow they will prevent something 'bad' happening to me? Just dunno.

    Worst of all would be for my parents or someone like a dr to give me some cold, clinical cod psychology. I mean, I've studied enough and have the bedside experience to know none of this helps. I simply need someone to understand, whose been there and can lend a hug, you know?

    I am on the party scene but I don't feel like dancing! Even with phet nothing helps. I do take recreational drugs which have kept me alive when I needed to be. I've begun to distance myself from the music and sub culture I belonged to which isn't me at all. I just feel really lost with life like I'm not alive and kicking as I should be. Instead suicide is like a familiar friend calling me home.
  10. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Maybe talking to her won't be all bad? She might understand more than you think.
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    oh, here is a a hug! :hug:

    I think that you can find a lot of support right here, but maybe also group therapy?

    some meds might help you out.

    recreational drugs can be fun, but they also fuck you up. it's not like the drugs are full of happiness, and then you take them and the happiness goes into you. rather, I think that they drain out your energy, and you end up worse off in the long run

    you have a lot of things going for you, a lot of things that other people don't have and may never have. A girlfriend who loves you that you've spent four incredible years with, an education, friends and probably a whole lot more.

    You're in a nose dive right now, but if you pull up on the controls, you'll probably be ok.

    If you get your depression treated, you might be in a better position to work things out with your gf.

    I think it is possible for you to communicate how you are feeling to her without her engaging in tactics that would just annoy you.

    Maybe it's just a matter of working out how to approach it?
  12. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    Thankq for the hug May71 it is appreciated believe me...all of what you said is pretty accurate; Thank you for the advice:)

    I'm happy with life as it is and I don't take anything for granted. Life is hard out there and there isn't much hope in many people's eyes as far as I can see. You have to love life with all it's complicated mess. Only I can't seem to take away the thought of suicide, especially my suicide. It's eroding everything in my life and I don't know who to turn to or where to go.

    I don't want my gf to see me distressed about this. She already has this accusatory attitude towards me for not talking to her about what is going on. She goes really quiet, folds her arms and looks hurt. That really gets to me; I want to say 'You're hurting? I'm hurting too, you know.' But I don't say this of course. It wouldn't be fair

    I suddenly see that she is right. That I am putting up a wall! I try to explain
    but no words come out except that 'I'm having a hard time right now,' and,
    'I can't tell you what I'm feeling right now because I don't know myself.' Or I'll walk away or something angsty like that. I know it is slowly making things
    difficult for us both

    I'm running away from life not her...
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