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Like a firefly, I want to burn bright once and then die

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Like a firefly, I want to burn bright once and then die, a beautifully sad end. I have overcame so much in my life. I am a young girl who had been born with the body of a boy, but now I live successfully as myself and no one even bats an eye. I'm in a wonderful relationship and have a degree. Yet, I feel like I am a failure at age 24, I work a pointless retail book job as I pass the time to get into grad school/teach overseas (have to wait till september to apply).

I struggled with suicide my entire life and have been here before and somehow survived an extremely dangerous method, it took a week for the rope marks on my neck to fade. I now want to get a plane ticket to san fran and swan dive into the bay.

Why? I feel severely broken and lonely. I have horrible social anxiety where it sometimes is hard to breath when near too many of my friends even. I love artistic things and connecting to people on a deeper level, but that makes me an outsider in this society of cheap, fast, small talk.

I feel like a failure working retail while the 20 something part timers talk about college. (For me college was so awful and horrible time because I had to live as a boy then to make everyone happy). I deny myself food for days cause im so broken (i want to lose 15lbs so i can weigh an even 100) I cry a lot, I'm lonely, I don't have one of those personalities where everyone is drawn to (I'm that shy quiet bookwormish dorky sort of girl with a warm heart).

I hate interacting with people as they cause me to have panic attacks, im the only person who doesnt like working retail or small talk (supposed to be just until i get the surgery and start on my professional career), a guy brags about being in grad school and makes me feel like a failure, I'm at work doing the same things over and over like an automaton most of the week. I don't like watching television or talking about which celeb does which celeb, I'd prefer to play my piano by candlelight---im so weird and pointless. My work accepts wholeheartedly that i'm transgender, but my job depresses me so much and makes me hate life. Im so burned out and don't know how to wear the smile mask everyone else can.

I feel hopeless about the future. I daydream about suicide often and visit pro method sites often to work on the best plan. It scares me but what good is someone with social anxiety, non mainstream interests, severe decade long depression, fears of being alone, needs constant reassurance, has unaccepting parents of her transition to femalehood, has few friends, is broken, doesn't enjoy cashiering to society? I'm close to getting fired due to my deep depression but once I do i will just buy a ticket to go to golden gate bridge.

Please don't say get a new job!, because this is supposed to be another year stop before pursuing my career, but I don't know how to make msyelf survive another year. Also as a pre op, though cute transgender girl, finding accepting job that will have insurance to help take care of doc bills is tough. I'm just sooooooooooo burned out. I have a week vacation coming up but i just want to beautifully die a tragic death. Am I the only one who is disturbed by suddam's hanging is used as a ratings booster? I want to run to Tibet and become a buddhist nun and escape media culture. I plan on teaching overseas in japan next year... which my degree is in.... but how can i survive this year when i just had a breakdown/and severe panic attack twice in two weeks right at work.

I'm losing my niceness, people are making me bitter. Help! I just want to die. If you have read to this point then you have done more than most people I know in person.


Well-Known Member
You dont sound like a boring failure to me. You sound like someone who is not afraid to act and think in their own way, rather than follow societies definition of "normal". That is commendable in and of itself. You sound like someone i would much rather talk to than most of the cretinous shallow inhabitants of this world. Someone who would rather talk about deeper things instead of the newest celebrity doings or other such nonsense.
I, also, know all about social phobias. When I have to interact with people for any length of time i start feeling panicky and feel an extreme urge to run and hide. Its hard I know, but it is something that can be overcome. Its a slow laborious process but it can be done.
Killing yourself wont solve whats going on. just take a moment to think about your life and im sure you can find a glimmer of hope and a reason to keep going. I also survived an attempt and everyday is a struggle but i just keeping looking within myself and grab onto that last bit of strength and hope that i have left. Its not easy; infact its one of the hardest things a person can do to keep on living even though their life is hell. But theres always that chance,no matter how remote you may think it is, that you could end up being completly happy and having a wonderful life.
Please take care, and if you ever feel the need to talk feel free to send me a PM.
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