First of all, I'm sorry for the poor quality of my English. I choosed this place, because I don't want any of my relatives to find it, and if they would, I hope they quite won't understand. I'm French, I'm 22, and a girl. I quite have a good life. My family loves me, although we live far from each others, I have a good job and I'm a good student. But since my childhood, I could never help like myself. Never. This ends with regular crisis to all my friends and family, anger or all. They can't like me, so I give them reasons to hate me. In addition to that, I moved a lot. First because of the work of my stepfather, then because of my studies as an excuse (more often runaways). I cant build any relation, and I feel very lonely. I'm not shy, I try to go to the others, but I always manage to got them runaway from me. I've ended up thinking a lot of people would have been a lot of happier if they had never met me. Sexually, I had too much relations to not feel durty. I could say that I was thinking that I love these men each other and that I was serious, but that just would be an excuse. Worse, I mad a lot of them suffer. I feel shame, and durty. That's all. I'm in a relationship since one year and a half, now, and I feel sorry for him, because he became the first to assist to my anger crisis. I can only think in that if he would leave me or cheat, I would deserve it. With my family, we ended up to have very distant relations. I live far, I never see them. My stepbrothers and my stepsister say that they miss me. I miss them too, but I know that all the times I act as a big sister, it's just a play. I'm not good with that. By the end, I've tried to see some doctors or therapists. Never help me. I've just ended thinking that I was a nasty seeker for for attention. But I can't stop thinking in ending my life. I think in times, places, the way that it would hurt the less other people... These later days, it is worse than ever. I don't understand myself.