Like someone here... ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Gwai, Jan 3, 2012.

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  1. Gwai

    Gwai New Member

    First of all, I'm sorry for the poor quality of my English. I choosed this place, because I don't want any of my relatives to find it, and if they would, I hope they quite won't understand.

    I'm French, I'm 22, and a girl. I quite have a good life. My family loves me, although we live far from each others, I have a good job and I'm a good student.

    But since my childhood, I could never help like myself. Never. This ends with regular crisis to all my friends and family, anger or all. They can't like me, so I give them reasons to hate me. In addition to that, I moved a lot. First because of the work of my stepfather, then because of my studies as an excuse (more often runaways). I cant build any relation, and I feel very lonely. I'm not shy, I try to go to the others, but I always manage to got them runaway from me.
    I've ended up thinking a lot of people would have been a lot of happier if they had never met me.
    Sexually, I had too much relations to not feel durty. I could say that I was thinking that I love these men each other and that I was serious, but that just would be an excuse. Worse, I mad a lot of them suffer. I feel shame, and durty. That's all. I'm in a relationship since one year and a half, now, and I feel sorry for him, because he became the first to assist to my anger crisis. I can only think in that if he would leave me or cheat, I would deserve it.
    With my family, we ended up to have very distant relations. I live far, I never see them. My stepbrothers and my stepsister say that they miss me. I miss them too, but I know that all the times I act as a big sister, it's just a play. I'm not good with that.
    By the end, I've tried to see some doctors or therapists. Never help me. I've just ended thinking that I was a nasty seeker for for attention. But I can't stop thinking in ending my life. I think in times, places, the way that it would hurt the less other people...
    These later days, it is worse than ever. I don't understand myself.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...your English was fine enough for all of us to understand we age, we are better abled to negotiate a clinical relationship, so maybe it would be helpful to try again...and now that you are moving less, maybe your life can be more stable...thanks for sharing with us and welcome again
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hi Gwai.. welcome.. if the thoughts of suicide get really bad think you should reach out quickly to some professional help.. that is not attnetion getting .. it is saving your life my dear..

    very little that is not allowed to be said here on suicide forums.. and we would like this place to be where you do say what is going on for you.. not going to judge or put you down even a little bit.. hope to hear from you some more.. take care, Jim
  4. Gwai

    Gwai New Member

    Thank you for your messages. It warmed me a lot.

    This is just that I understand that my life is an entire non sense. But I spent my day reading all the posts from others here. I feel sorry for them. I understand them. I live in a city where I know nobody, and I arrived here because I didn't know where to go but to join my beloved. There's the thought that I merely could vanish myself. And after reading others' messages, I feel selfish.

    @Sadeyes : I see a psychiatre (english term ? not sure) and he gives me something called Nordaz. I try to take it the less I can, because I don't know if I could stop myself since the first pill taken. I know that each time I take it, it's for bad reasons, because I usually take too much, so as I can sleep hours without thinking anymore... And with that psychiatre, like the others, I can't find a solution to my problem, because I admit that I'm too ashamed to explain to him when I dream about ending all of this.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Gwai, Welcome to the forums!! You need to be honest with your doctor.. He can't help if he doesn't know the extent of what is going on with you..Don't feel that you can't come here and talk about what is bothering you.. We all have been there at least once in our lives...I hope you have success in your relationship... Your doing good, a year and half is along time... That says alot about your boyfried..He is there for you, that counts alot..I wish you the best!!
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