Like tears in the rain...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bluebeth, Sep 28, 2015.

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  1. Bluebeth

    Bluebeth New Member

    I've been suicidal for three months and have finally reached the point where I've lost all hope. I've been suicidal many times in my life. I was abused in every way imaginable for the entirety of my childhood by two parents with severe personality disorders. I became a very passive, scared, hurt woman as a result. I put my trust in anybody to get love and affection.

    Three months ago, I went out on a date and ended up being raped. A week later, I started feeling sick and experiencing symptoms I've never had before- I believe I've contracted genital herpes as a result. It turns out this is very difficult to diagnose if you don't show the classic signs, although many people don't. I've always been so responsible about protection and STD testing, which makes this crisis situation even harder to endure.

    My life has been so horrible, and this has sent me over the edge. I left my brand new job that I worked really hard to get, have isolated myself from my friends, I've stopped going to the doctors as they are unable to diagnose/help me. It's all over. I've finally given up on life. I'm so tired of suffering. I've fought all my life to make myself into a success despite how horrible and scary it's all been (I got hired as a newbie college professor right when this all started) and to have it all destroyed on a random date I wasn't even interested in is beyond my ability to cope.

    The note, means, and plan are already taken care of. Now it's just a matter of choosing the time. I've already told my best friend how I feel and he respects me enough to say he can't stop me but wants me to live. But he doesn't have to live with the intense pain, shame, and disgust of this virus. My feelings have only been made worse by the fact that the doctors keep saying it's psychosomatic- this is because genital herpes is really hard to diagnose if you don't get blisters- they can't diagnose me with something they can't prove, even though my rapist admitted to me afterwards that he has herpes (he also admitted to have raped me) and I've had every other horrible symptom associated with the disease.

    I feel like no one truly understands why I feel so sure that this is the right course of action. I've already called many hotlines over the past few months and it hasn't helped. Antidepressants haven't helped either. Nothing has helped. The only thing that would help me would be a cure for this virus, and that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I'm just done with it all. I have a lot of other scary thoughts and feelings, but I don't want to upset or trigger anyone here. :'(
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am really sorry to hear about your recent struggles. Have you sought any rape counselling following the assault? I think it may help you to deal with the events better.

    You also mention doctors not being able to help and meds not working but you don't mention if you have tried therapy to deal with your issues from childhood. Therapy is no quick fix and if can take years before you notice changes, but the therapy itself won't change anything, that has got to come from you.

    Meds and therapy combined may alleviate the distress a little but it may not "cure" you. They are designed to make your life more manageable and put your symptoms into remission and help you cope with your issues better. But nothing will change if you don't put the work in to change. If you stop seeing the psych, won't try meds or therapy then things will stay as they are. It is difficult, especially when you are so low and have no motivation.

    As for the herpes if you suspect you have it you may have to wait for an outbreak before you can get diagnosed so if you do have sex you need to make sure precautions are taken. I know it's not nice to have a disease you didn't ask for but it doesn't make your life unliveable. I have HIV and live a perfectly normal life, it's not a death sentence, neither is herpes, and that's if you do have it, you may not.
     
  3. Bluebeth

    Bluebeth New Member

    Thanks Butterfly for your message. I'm glad you're such a strong, caring person and that you're trying to help people here.

    I'm just having such a hard time right now. I feel so guilty. I'm staying with my best friend and I told her about my plan, but left out details. I know it really hurt her. I feel so bad for burdening her with my feelings when she's trying so hard to help me, but I just know I'm not going to be able to get through this. I admitted to her that part of why I agreed to come stay with her is that I wanted the chance to say goodbye, as she is the only person I really care about right now. Now she's scared and feels like she has to babysit me, which is going to make things harder for us both. I'm frustrated because she took things away that would have helped with my plan. So I can't follow through, and I'm just stuck making her miserable with all the terrible things I feel.

    I just don't see how I can keep going on living with genital herpes. It's caused me so much embarrassing pain and discomfort; that part of my body has felt so awful every single day since I was raped. I've had so many symptoms and so many doctors trying to convince me it's psychosomatic even though I have a positive blood test for herpes, my rapist has herpes, and I have symptoms for herpes. It just feels like a lifetime of pain and suffering is going to end as one big cruel joke. Not even my friend believes I have herpes.

    The trauma is too much for me, This is just one thing I can't accept. I've learned to live with having been sexually/physically/emotionally abused and socially isolated as a child, having been in abusive relationships and getting divorced, a cancer scare, defaulting on my student loans, having my cat die in my arms a few months ago...but I can't accept genital herpes. I know I just ramble on and on...this is what my sick mind is like. I just want peace...I want it all to end. Sleep is my only relief anyway. My plan ends in sleep.
     
  4. Fleyy

    Fleyy Member


    Have you ever contacted the police about the rape?
     
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