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Listener needs a listener

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by In Limbo, Nov 29, 2010.

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  1. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I don't even know what I'm asking for.

    I'd like to think that since I've been here I've been a thoughtful and supportive member to anyone who's asked for it. This forum has reminded me how lucky I am to still be here, and if I can help one of you to stay then that's by far the best I can do.

    But now I have a problem because I have no out. I'm not suicidal and never will be again. But I'm not coping. I struggle to get up even in the afternoons when I've not got work, never mind mornings. I take medication but even that's a struggle to remember why. I crave human company and I don't get enough.

    I've got that feeling behind my eyes and the lump in my throat that I cannot cry. And I don't even know what I'd be crying over if I managed it. I want to work, but can't motivate to go jobhunting nearly as much as I should. I fear the rejection letters. There already have been more than enough, I want to go back to university or college but I am scared about the financial implications. I have part-time work which I adore, but can only take what I'm given.

    I'm single - have been all my life - this doesn't bite me in itself, but it's painful that I have so much love to give and no-one to give it to.

    I'm scared the down times are happening more often, it's to do with the time of year yes, but it's not just that.

    I'm so low. I just want hugs and to talk it over. It is so much easier to give advice in this place than to ask for it.

    Any replies would be appreciated.

    My PM box is open for anyone that needs a listener, as I said, it's much easier to give advice from the standpoint of experience and not being suicidal.

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Chris...sweetie, is the medication causing some lethargy? I know apathy is a part of the depressive syndrome, but maybe the meds are also contributing to your affect...why not speak to the pdoc about this and examine if this is an influence...as always, you know my PM box is also open to you...shoot me a PM and I will surely be there for you...so glad you have decided to take support; you deserve it...big hugs, J
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I've already talked by PM to Sadeyes about this, but I felt I should say publicly. I lied in the OP - I am taking meds only sporadically - that may well be why the downer is on at the moment, I just don't understand the self-sabotage in the first place.

    I'm sorry - I just want to bawl and can't - I want to spill my guts to someone but I can't do it tomorrow. I feel such a fraud. A talented, caring, thoughtful, vain, lazy, lying fraud.
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey, I hope you feel better!
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    well, sometimes our minds get stuck in a cycle.. And we become comfortable even if generally a person would feel terrible.. Depression and other conditions can cause us to be "comfortable" with being sad.. Because it may be all we know how to do..

    Maybe your just needing to find something new in your life.. Maybe look for groups that have similar interests as you.. idk.. I'm kinda in a similar situation I guess..

    You feel like you want to just end this "reality" but you know you cant.. Yet you cant get rid of the useless feeling..

    Duno If I was real helpful.. Thanks for sharing...
  6. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Hey Chris,
    When we get out of that loop of suicidal thoughts, then some of us, enter the threshold of some marooned apathy which locks us in our head.
    Emotions are seething beneath the surface and implosions are frequent, without a wrinkle of an expression on the outside. It seems that your motives to live and the very reasons behind the motives seem to now lie buried within ur subconcious and may not present themselves when you'r mental state is feeling desolate. If every act or most actions in your daily routine reveal themselves to be meaningless then you are, probably, not really 'experiencing' life itself. You can try taking a 'memory-wheel' trip, basically keep a pen and paper before you and close ur eyes, go back in time and try re-visiting the good times and the bad. The years where you felt the best out of your worst. Write down anything which strikes you; naturally the way we see our past is affected by how we are currently feeling. But i'm certain in saying, and im sur ei'll have an SF chorus to back me up in saying: ur no fraud mate, I'd really like to be there to talk anything with you and give you
    giant hugs, but since im holed up in olde bath, i can offer you an ear or both.
    Keep the medication going if that helps, take one step at a time. When we're this lost in our consciousness, we need to re-learn how to walk; take baby steps.
    PM me anytime. :hug: :hugtackles:
  7. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    My motives for living are there Shiv, I have talents and ability and love to give - I have a great family and a group of strong friends. I have the gift of the gab, and an ability to chat to anyone, I just don't understand my own self-sabotage...
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i've also gone off my medication in the past, not suicidal when i first stopped taking it but soon got there. be careful.

    are you in therapy? it might be good to have someone to explore the self-sabotage with. i'm sure it's quite complicated as we do things for many contradictory reasons. for myself i had a very difficult childhood. most days i think i've left it behind and then it bites me in the ass again. low self-esteem, not feeling worthy of help, and all that.

    holding you in my thoughts
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just letting you know I'm listening, drop me a PM if you ever want to talk. :hug:
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    That one's easy - it's the illness! That's one of the things it does to us. I've lost count of the amount of times I've stopped taking the meds over the years only to slump into deep depression and be back at the doctors. Its one of those negative behaviour patterns that you have to a) recognise and b)learn not to do.
    Took me years to realise that and do something about it. I still slip up now and again. Don't get the repeat prescription request at the doctors soon enough and stuff like that. Plus I resented having to take the meds for a long time.
    Once you get back into the routine of taking your meds regularly, you'll be fine. You're clearly an intelligent, caring human being - we don't want to lose people like you!
  11. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    And what do you do to combat it?
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HEy i too have stopped my medication causing me to spiral downwards I have just tonight started taking my antidepressant again had too I hope you understand that when we feel better we think why do i need these meds it is a terrible cycle we get in. No more cycles please start taking your medication as prescribed and see if that helps you get feeling better i too will try take care of you. Glad you are reaching out for help okay just so you see you are not alone with this type of struggle
  13. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Im in agreement with Catherine and Violet. Also, try to step out of this loop to gather a fresh look at yourself, this way the 'negative behavioral pattern' can be replaced. New perspectives can bring out welcome solutions. You do have to adapt yourself to this illness, survival of the fittest id say, else it curbs your hopes and plays youout of your own life. You said you adore your part time job, have a stable bond with your friend and family circle. Have you opened up to them about it? They will be there for you; i speak from the impression iv recieved. Or are you afraid you might soil the existing relationships by doing so and they might become over-concerned for your well being?
  14. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Exactly, I fear the backward step, the loss of confidence from other people who I love, the sense of faliure. The fact I don't know what to say because I know essentially what my triggers are and I can see it all happening.
  15. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Ideally, once self-confidence is restored then it wouldnt be a problem to speak freely and frankly with our family and friends. There wouldn't be any backward step to be taken since we would have managed to regain control over the weekly routine. But realistically, if you want to speak to them but are afraid of what you might say and in doing so, feel lesser about yourself; then realise this: youv tried to take control of your loops for so long but have not yet been entirely successful, so would you risk losing more time feeling stuck within its whirlpool or take a new chance at letting someone else, who genuinely loves you and wont treat you any differently to rescue you? Its likely that you shall feel much more vulnerable and in need of comforting once you open up your heart to someone face to face. But know that they have your best interests at heart and care for your well being. You do have a support system in place waiting to be utilised. The illness cannot be resolved and made to dissappear, it can be adapted to so that we can re-maneuver ourselves and carry on living and not just surviving. You need so much more, you deserve much better.

    PM me anytime :hug:
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