Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by chickidee, Oct 18, 2009.

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  1. chickidee

    chickidee Member

    so I just had an entired weekend away from the kids the husband for the first time in over 5 years. I had all the these plans on what i was going to do with my few days of peace.
    Turns out I completed wasted them by taling Stilnox CR and I pretty much slept away the weekend. which wouldn't be so bad, but even now i can still feel the effects of the pills - like i'm drunk.

    Anyway, once finally meeting back up with the kids and the hub, the renunion was not what i expected -dd1 said "oh hi mum!" dd1 ususally rushes at me, yelling "mummy" at the top of her lungs and dd2 gave me a bit of a grin, when normally he can't wait to get to into my arms. Both kids are dressed and ready to go to the luncheon we were going to. both kids were happy and were apparently both kids had a good time. Hub did a great job with them this weekend - his first weekend with the kids without me - mind you he did have his parents to help.

    So that's just cemented me in me - they will all be ok. happy once I'm not here. so I've started a list of the things I need to do, to make it easier for the hub for when the time comes.

    Some of the things on the list are simple things : finsih, wrap, name xmas shopping
    clean dd1 room
    swap ds room around
    buy products for end of days etc
    write goodbye notes to various people.
    see various people for last time.
    pay outstanding bills

    so what i want to know is this. do you make lists? and as you cross off each list, does it make you feel better? or do your lists just tend to get longer?
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Chickadee, my list just keeps getting longer and longer. You never seem to find that "last" thing to put on it. I think the list is a way of telling us we arent ready to do this. And it isnt like dont want to or need to. But it is sort of like my life right now. Everyday something else that I dont want or need to be responsible for is thrown at me anyway. So it goes with the list.

    As for the kids, I think maybe one of two or maybe both may of happened. This is the first time in 5 years that they havent had you there. It probably confused them. No matter how well you prepared them for your "holiday", it was new territory to them. And Dad may of told them that you have been very tired lately, really needed a break from everything. For kids this is unheard of because their parents are nothing short of super heroes!!!! (lol). So for you to need a break, wow, there is something really wrong with Mom.

    Last summer I took my first real holiday in 17 years. When I came home the kids reacted about the same. And my are 18, 16, 14 and 4. It's just really wierd to them when we arent there. Especially if we are the main care giver. And just from the way you posted I think that is you hun. Hubby may be there but you do most of the "kid" stuff and probably everything else? It took my kids a day or two but things slipped into routine again. It will for your kids as well.

    Just something to think about. You being away really did affect your children. But you came back. Now take that "reunion" and put a different ending to it, one where you dont come back. Those kids love you to pieces hun, and they would be lost.

    I'm a pm away if you want to talk about stuff or want to compare lists (lol). Please just think about what I've said?
  3. Pilko

    Pilko Active Member

    I make lists all the time..most involve cleaning..I only clean what I have to now..... that way I'm too tired to clean so much up so it doesn't get crossed off and I am normally a neat freak. Also over the last month I have analysed my son who is 13 so much to look for signs of how he would cope. I know he wouldn't also I know that many children follow their parentswho have committed suicide' footsteps..My thoughts haven't changed about what I want to do but I am thinking a little more about what it would mean to others...
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi chikidee, we spoke in chat yesterday, I think you left chat feeling much more hopeful :)
    Please keep us updated on how you're doing.

    Also, I used to take stilnox for a while for sleeping problems, my mum used to think I was drunk when I had taken it lol! They're strong, perhaps ask your doctor to prescribe something else? :hug:
  5. monnie101

    monnie101 Member

    I've done this a bunch of times. When I was younger and very suicidal I used to make a list of things I had to do before I took the big leap goodbye. Now I make lists to try to keep organized. I have things on my list like getting business cards finished, contacting people, writing things, and I even have a shopping list. I have an iPhone 3Gs which helps me a real lot. Before having that, I'd miss a lot of my doctor's appointments.
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