Literally Sick of Myself..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by innocencexisxlove, Mar 29, 2010.

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  1. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Honestly, last night I was at the point of throwing up because I was sick to my stomach, of myself. I really just, I can't handle this anymore. I even cut a lot last night too.

    I hate everything about me. And I especially hate how I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to know myself, now it's like I'm in some stranger's body. I can't even turn to faith anymore. I feel really messed up.

    I was going to do it last night.. But I just couldn't do it.. Not yet.

    As for tonight, I think I will do it tonight. Because honestly, I can't do this anymore. I can't handle throwing up, crying, cutting, and all this other bs...

    It's just.. I don't know. I'm at a major loss right now.. I don't know.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad, I am not sure what to say really.

    Can I relate? Sure I can, that is how I ended up here on SF and how I feel I have spent major portions of my life, just sick of the bs like you said.

    Two things have saved me, one you sort of mentioned. Foremost my faith! It has given me hope and brought meaning to my life. Do you feel totally shut down in this aspect of your life or is there still a spark you can hang on to?

    The other things is my meds, I have to be on them or I am just in a deep dark hole 24/7 and nothing reaches me, I feel nothing. Have you seen a doctor about how you feel? Many times we needs the aid of medication during particularly rough times in our lives and that is just the way it is, like insulin to a diabetic-it is needed.

    I have also found SF critical to my state of mind so please continue to post so we all can support you and give you the benefit of our experiences and wisdom. There are great people here so keep reaching out you can connect with them.

    Take care and I, and others, are here for you listen if you need to talk-it helps get it out trust me on this one.

  3. helterskelter

    helterskelter Member

    I can't tell you that things will be ok but if you don't stick around you wont know... I can honestly say I understand what you mean let me know if you want to talk about it?!
  4. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Faith-I feel is totally gone.
    Meds-I just got off, and I do NOT want back on.
    SF-I used to love SF... Posted like, a million times daily.. It's just not the same anymore....

    And thanks.
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Well do you have any friends you can talk to about how your feeling right now?
    I know SF changes so to speak but there are still people here that care and reach out.

    I am here if you would like to talk if you would like.
  6. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Only friends from SF.
    No one near by..
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I know what that is like..seems I have my crisis moments when those I am close to are sleeping and there is like nobody online.

    Do you want to talk in PM or IM?
    Does writing in diary help during these times?

    I am here for you..
  8. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Nothing helps me anymore.. Cutting foesn't even do the job..
    And as for PM, I see not point cause I really don't care anymore. Anyone can read this crap and make what they want of it... Idk..
  9. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    well please know i am here for you IM or PM is sometimes easier to talk so that is why I wanted to offer it to you..hard as we don't really know each other but I do care :arms:
  10. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

  11. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    no reason to be sorry we all have our there anything I can do for you?
  12. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    No.. I don't even know why I posted.. Guess to let a few people know my plans I suppose... Idk.
  13. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Please don't go through with gets better I am proof of that!. Is there nothing that helps during these times? I used to cut to and sure enough that stops helping so I know that feeling.

    Have you tried praying? I mean faith is hard at times and feels really empty but it helps it really does..I will pray for you too. What sorts of beliefs do you have? For example Christian? Spiritual? I am spiritual and believe there is a God that is really on our side despite all the bullshit going on.
  14. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    I'm Catholic.

    And no. Nothing helps.
  15. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    what has made you lose your faith? i am... was, catholic, raised it, believed it, but lost all faith in it almost a year ago. i don't believe it, it provides no comfort anymore. maybe if you knew how you lost it you could see a way to possibly find it again (if you think that might help)?
  16. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    I really think nothing will help.. I just wanted to let everyone know what I'm planning.. I don't see anything stopping me.
  17. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I know how long you've been struggling Rach. Things can get better though. There's no way of seeing that right now, because I know where you're at. Just do whatever you can to hold on for now until you start to see that light again. Try to just go to sleep tonight. If you can't sleep, go into chat. Do whatever you can to hold on for a couple more days.

    I love you Rach, I wish I were there to hold your hand and let you know that everything will be ok.
    :heart: :hug:
  18. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    I love you too Spencer... :hug:

    I wish the PC was available to me at all hours.. but it's not..
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