Little boy lost

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Fatman1966, Oct 14, 2007.

  1. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Hi guys and gals

    Well I'm still going through the mill, mad at my age (40)

    I have come out to close friends and family and every one has been great about it (parents still don't know but that a another story) for a while there I felt much better, like this huge weight had been lifted, and in some ways I still do.

    But what now, where do I go from here ? I have a really good mate, that if I am honest I am try hard not to fall for, hes straight, but I have told him everthing and he's still not bothered, he loves me as much as a straight bloke can I think, which is kind of sweet for a young guy, the way we carry on you'ld think we were a couple, but its not like that and probably never will be.

    I'm drinking too much again, which is never good, guess I thought once the gay thing was out in the open, well as much as I want it to be, that things would just kind of move on, but they haven't, if anything it just made me reflect more on what a complete arse I have been over the last 40years and I am struggling to hold onto my view of the next 40 years being any different.

    In a strange way, it feels like I am being punished for something I really haven't done, I want someone to blame I guess, but that some one is me.

    for the first time in a long time I dont know where to go from here ?

    as always answers on a post card
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Time maybe to get out and date Paul?:unsure:

    Are there any gay dating agencies, cos that might be a good way to break the ice and get out there. No good falling for a straight guy it aint gonna work :hug:
  3. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I know thats what I should do.

    Hence I'm a not so fatman any more, lost 2 stone in weight, I like to think its because I was trying to lose weight, but its probably that and a good helping of stress, stuck at 14 stone 4 pounds now though, not sure if thats a good thing or not.

    Being a manly man, its going to be difficult, suppose I need to get the straight sterotype of a gay man out of my head, I'm not like that at all, so I can't be the only gay bloke in the world that is pretty much just like any other bloke, but just happens to take other blokes to bed I suppose.

    Dating though ! god I was rubbish at that, but I suppose my heart wasnt really in it back then, will have to get my mate to come with me to the local gay pub in lincoln, but that's kind of complicated now he is sharing a house with two other guys one of which is a bit homophobic, he's a nice lad, think he will be more than a little shocked when he finds out, but thats his problem not mine.

    Just difficult thats all, dont want to make a poor situation worse.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I've had loads of gay mates (OMG does that make me a fag hag :eek:hmy: :laugh:) and know what, most of em where just like any other bloke; so don't be worrying that you can't find some nice fella who just happens to like other blokes :hug: They're not all screaming drag queens.

    Get out there and dip your toe in the water, you're never gonna know till you try :hug:

    And WOW well done on the weight loss. Wanders off mithering under breath cos still can't shift the flab :mad: grumble whinge moan whine :dry:
  5. googonz

    googonz Active Member

    I know I am not that experienced in this subject, but..

    Life is a journey, and plan for tomorrow.

    I hope those words meant something to you. I hope they did, I am not sure if I am gay yet, because I am only 16, but if I do turn out to be, I should come out earlier then you did, and learn from your mistakes.
  6. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Gay, Straight or Bisexual, it doesnt really matter in the grand scheme of things, honestly it doesn't, as long as you are happy and can live a happy life with someone else you can be happy with, thats all thats important, in time this is a lesson we all have to learn.

    Don't waiste 40 years of your life learning it like I have.
  7. googonz

    googonz Active Member

    Everything will be okay. Plan for tomorrow, it may be hard but you can't linger around regrets. I might be lingering around what my sexual orientation is, but I still beleive in the bible, even though it might bash what I might become. But it tells you that you can only find true happiness, if you stop lingering around regrets, and try to lets them all go and plan for tomorrow.

    Yeah, I may be 16, but I am freakin smart. But whatever happens to me, i beleive that god planned it. Maybe he wants me to go through this as a teen so I can be richer for the experience. Whatever his intentions may be, I know that I will be happy in the ending.
  8. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Well its been a week or two, but still not made any real progress, think a part of me still wants the straight lad to love me back a little, suppose he does in his own way, but it will never be enough, not his fault, at least my stupid crush on him is starting to go away, some of the things he does are starting to annoy me, like putting money he hasn't got to spend, in the fruit machines for two hours in the pub ! he's skint agian, takes 50 quid out the bank, overdraft, then dumps 25 quid in the machines, 35 quid the other night too and he insists on going to bed after work and sleeping till 8.30ish, then wants to go out just before the pubs shut around 9.30 - 10.00.

    May be I fall for straight guys on purpose, because I know they will never love me back in the same way, so that way I can never really get hurt, I guess, as long as I am up front about it to start with and dont get my hopes up.

    Feeling pretty empty inside, I have lots of things, house, car , money, health, just about, all the stuff most folks would give there first born child to have, but some how its just not enough, there is just a big hole in my world, were my life should be.

    Suppose I want to know the answer to the same question every body does, what I have I done to deserve a life thats turned out like this, empty, void of any kind of human contact, loveless, cold, bitter, I'm not like that as a person, I'm warm, kind, friendly, too nice for my own good, so what mistake did I make, what rule did I break, for the punishment to be this ?

    Having a bad day, which is worrying, cos its mid afternoon, I have not been drinking and feel a bit like crying, not a good sign

  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni