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Little me on my little journey

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Hello folks,

I'm not sure how to start, but maybe backward is best. I'm new, and I'm here because I feel like my support network is out of reach for me at the moment. I've spent many years struggling to find the footing in society which seems to come so naturally to others. It always feels a little dissonant to reach out for help to avoid my own suicide, because, as I am certain everyone who experiences these emotions knows, the desires are real, and they're genuine. Yet despite the pull in that direction, there are factors holding me back---not the least of which is the persistent, perhaps even nagging, hope that, one day, I will feel better. Not perfect---no, not "well"---but better...and maybe I will find that elusive foothold after all.

I am known for my verbosity at times, so I'll try to keep my posts as short as I can while maintaining the spirit of the ideas they contain.


Well-Known Member
Hello, welcome to SF.

Don't be afraid to make a long post if you feel the need to. I'm very... longwinded... as well. People may skim a bit, but if it helps to write it, then it's never a waste of time.

Hi Odyssey :) Welcome to SF! Please do not try and limit yourself while writing posts, it helps to give us a clearer picture, therefore able to give more constructive advice, and also will help you get it off your chest. You matter, as will your posts, regardless of length. I'm glad to here that you have something pulling you back and keeping you around at the moment, although it doesn't take away the hurt and pain you are suffering with right now, it's really good you still have some hope. Please keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you right now, and let us try and support you, like you need and deserve. If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me. Take care :arms:
Thanks, guys :) If you look at my timestamp, I posted that really late last night (or early this morning), and I was definitely experiencing some rough emotions at the time. Feeling so disconnected from my support network (mostly because of the time of day but for other reasons as well), I eventually did a Google search looking for suicide support. True to my feelings of worthlessness and not wanting to impose on others' time, I was looking for an alternative to a phone line. I found this site, and just being able to register with a user name and post that little introduction made me feel comforted enough to go to bed and face this morning. Coming home and finding your reassuring responses was definitely a reminder that I'm not fighting this alone.

As a further introduction, let me provide a more specific history. I was born with a congenital health condition that caused extreme pain, humiliation, and social ostracism, and eventually required, when I was 12, an invasive and painful surgery with a long recovery time. While the surgery was able to completely correct the physical defect, the emotional trauma was obviously more long-lasting. And of course there were other factors affecting my childhood emotional state, including other severe illnesses, the pitiful state of the field of child psychology at the time, and a lack of understanding/comprehension by my family of the sort of emotional difficulties I was experiencing. I was certainly experiencing suicidal thoughts and even plans by a very young age, perhaps even before ten years. My emotional disorders have continued into adulthood, and the symptoms have become more severe and more debilitating over time. Hallucinations and delusions picked up in frequency and severity, but fortunately remitted suddenly several years ago and I have not relapsed in that area. I've been tagged with a variety of diagnoses, but the psychiatrist whom I currently see has actually admitted that I no longer fit nicely enough into any DSM category that she can pin down even a single, indisputable condition. I'm highly treatment-resistant to both medication and talk therapy, despite being, for all intents and purposes, virtually the poster child for patient compliance and self-motivation. I present with symptoms of conditions frequently co-morbid with chronic depression, including ADD, chronic fatigue syndrome and/or fibromyalgia, and anxiety.

Despite all of these obstacles, or, perhaps, because of them, I am a compulsive academic and researcher. I'm struggling to finish a dissertation for a Ph.D. in a highly-mathematical field. I am active in my treatment plans; I research medications, from their chemistry, drug interactions, and side effects to their off-label uses, and I research applied psychology and therapy methods, searching for alternatives. I also research philosophy and religion, particularly areas that could be labeled 'existentialist' (i.e., relating to a person's search for self-identity, meaning, and place in society). I keep abreast of political issues that relate to health care, medical research, and health insurance.

I do all of this, but I feel like I am losing interest in the future. My self-esteem is low and, to what extent it exists, fragile. I feel like every "opportunity" runs me into a sheer, insurmountable wall sooner or later. My paranoia about how people truly view me and whether I'm of value to anyone is becoming greater. I've completely lost faith that psychiatric medications---of any class or type---are of any benefit in my particular case (and it frustrates me that I see others responding to them the way they're intended to do). I really just need some support from people who can, in their own individual ways, accept and sympathize with the difficulties I experience.


total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Just want to say hi and welcome to SF I do hope you are able to get a hold of your pdoc maybe try newer meds out there they do work less side effects too hugs


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
Hey Odyssey,
Welcome to the forums.. You are a very good writer..I usually don't make it all the way thru long posts..Have you thought about just seeing a therapist?? Someone you you can just sit down with and chat..
Thanks for the welcome, guys. I'm still trying things out. I'm seeing a new therapist lately and the pdoc I see is very, very good (I've seen a lot of doctors in my life about a lot of different things, and she's the best doctor---on all fronts---that I've had for anything, ever). It's hard not to get discouraged after so many failed efforts, but I'm nothing if not stubborn. I'm going on 13 years of nearly-continuous medication therapy this fall, but every now and then something really new and unusual hits the market, so I just keep hoping :)

Thanks for the compliment on my writing; I've always enjoyed language and expressing myself in words, and I do pride myself on my writing :biggrin: It's always nice to have hard work appreciated!

I'm hoping I can provide some support for others on this forum as well as reach out for support for myself. :hug:
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